Roomus Rules of Talking About Dating
Someday I'm writing the book called, "Roomus Rules," because I like that it can be taken both ways: a list of rules, or saying, "Roomus rules!" like the old 90's definition when "rules" meant "is wicked wicked cool." I've listed enough rules in the past months that it could be the guide to life. Anyway, in this segment of "Roomus Rules," I'm taking on dating - meaning, talking about dating. Nobody ever gives rules about this. They only give rules for how to date, but if you ask me, it's just as difficult for people to understand how to properly discuss their dating without losing their significant other or their friends. Because trust me, if this isn't handled well, you risk losing both.
The Rules:
EVEN BEFORE YOU GO OUT...
Here's a question. How much pre-date talk should your friends have to listen to? My answer? About ten minutes - and that's generous. Until you actually go on the date, there's no need to discuss whether he would want to build the picket fence or just buy it out of the catalog. Besides the "I met this guy, I think he's cute, we're going out," there's little left to say. I don't really want to analyze every word of his two-minute voice mail trying to figure out if "Meet me at 7," means "Meet me at 7," or "I really want to marry you so please meet me at 7," or whether it means, "I hate you but I'm asking you out just for the hell of it so meet me at 7." You think I'm exaggerating, but barely. Here's the thing though: the more you talk about it before the date, the less I'm going to want to hear after the date. See, there's the trick. If you tell me everything, I'll be bored already. (And the truth is, the more you obsess and analyze, the less you'll care to know about him, too, though I'm still trying to get people to believe this.) Also, the more you talk about it, the more I'll think, "Thank God somebody asked her out, because she seems to really need this." You don't want that.
There's a gray area to the first rule, of course, which comes into play when you know the guy ahead of time. If both us know him, and if there's a lot riding on this date (as in, you are good friends, this is your crush since forever) you get a break. So instead of 10 minutes, you get about 15-20.
RULES FOR ONLINE
We'll start with the obvious here: instant messenging is the absolute worst thing to happen to dating. As an extension, it's also the worst thing that has happened to talking about dating. It's because it's so easy to copy and paste every conversation you have with a guy or girl, and so you just keep sending it to your friends so they can decide whether "hi" means "I like you," "I hate you," or, better yet, "I want to go out with you, have you meet my parents, marry you, have children, and pay for your retirement." So as the first rule, keep the IM conversation copying to an absolute minimum. The only thing I really want to read from IM conversations is something so outrageous that you can't believe someone just said that to you (think: "I used to have a crush on my sister, but that passed... so you want to go out Friday?) or something so funny that you had to send it along (think: "I used to have a crush on my sister, but that passed... so you want to go out Friday?). Other than that, chill out on the copy/paste function.
Also, no matter how "cute" you think some conversation is, my guess is that nobody else will think it's cute. Not even if he calls you your secret nickname (snookums sounds cute to.... no one), not even if he tells you he loves you, not even if he confesses that he really had the weird childhood habit of biting his toes (not cute, even fifteen years later).
As for the email, I can't decode email. Neither can you, but you won't believe me. Either way, I don't need to read every email conversation that you have. Here's how to navigate this one: pick and choose. You know how when you go on vacation and come back with about 2000 pictures? Think of this the same way: the truth is, nobody really cares to see every single picture and hear the story behind each one. And nobody likes their friend who makes them sit through a session like that. Choose about five that highlight the trip - one great one, one funny one, one horrible one, and one that you just happen to love for whatever reason. Apply the same to emails, and we're rolling.
And last, and perhaps most important: away messages absolutely count in terms of "talking about dating." If I send you an IM, and I get the away message, "love you baby, good luck on your test," I'm cutting you right off my buddy list. That's it. Same with "Class, lunch, homework, dinner with the best boyfriend ever" or "3 months! love you (insert insane smiley here)" I can't really talk about the profile business, which I think is overdone anyhow, but that's my own choice to check those. But the away messages are communication, so they fall right in this category. So the rule is: away messages aren't the forum for your public displays of affection. And also, it's impossible for every single girl to have the best boyfriend ever. Even in online world. Just to let everyone out there know.
NOW THAT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/DATE/THING?...
First off, for girls, I'm putting an end to the obligatory "the boy" nickname for any guy who she's dating, who's become her boyfriend, who's the guy everyone knows she likes. It's too much. Every time a girl answers her phone, it's suddenly "the boy." If you ask who she's talking about, it's "the boy." Who are you having lunch with? "The boy." Do these girls realize that there is, in fact, more than ONE boy in the world? I would rather hear them say, "a boy," because at least that's grammatically and linguistically correct. Bottom line? The guy has a name. Use it. I don't think you're any cooler for calling him "the boy," and I don't think he's any more or any less yours if you call him "the boy" or use his real name. Seriously. I promise.
Additionally, I don't have to hear about your boyfriend's plans. People have this tendency to take on their boyfriend's or girlfriend's lives as part of their own. I've asked my friend, "Hey, how are you?" and heard, "Oh, Jen's got a huge test tomorrow, so she's really stressed." I can't tell if my friends are deaf, dumb, or as my sister famously replied to that question, "just couldn't hear" me. (Get it?) As an extension of this, if I ask you, "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?" The correct answer is, "I'm not sure yet," not "We're not sure yet." Reread that if you need to, it's a big one.
Along the same lines, having a boyfriend/girlfriend/date does not make you incapable of carrying on normal conversations. You can talk about current events, a movie, or heck, even something to do with someone's life other than your own, without having to mention him or her. I love when I'm talking to a friend about the Red Sox, or the weather, or my day, and she responds with, "Yeah, well, I just don't know what I'm going to do about Jason." I'm thinking... Jason Varitek? Is Jason a weather guy? But no, she was just back to thinking about her boyfriend. Complete one-track mind. And it happens to guys too. Once, my friend shut off a television episode with only about three minutes to go because his girlfriend called and suddenly was ready for him to come over. The message sent? You're not important, and she is. Not a good thing.
Here's another big one: unless you are going to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, don't tell me how much you hate them or how much they are driving you nuts. This is a little tricky, because obviously it's fine to vent about something that happens, but if you constantly tell me that you are in a fight, or that she's treating you badly, or that he's always bailing on your plans, I'm going to realize that your boyfriend or girlfriend is a loser. And because I've got the objective perspective to see this, and you don't, you're not going to like it when I'm not thrilled for you that she or he has yet again redeemd him or herself. For me, it just means more of the same: complain complain complain happy happy complain happy complain. Sign me up.
THE BREAK UP RULES
When things become messy for you, they become messy for your friends. The problem with a break-up is that I've never seen a clean break. Even if people mutually decide it's been enough for now, one person is always sad and mopey. And if that happens to be you, you are going to feel the need to tell everyone - I mean EVERYONE - how much happier you are without your ex. And no, that's not a typo. The sadder you are, the more intent you are on making sure that everyone knows just how joyous your life is. So here's clue number one: if you really want people to know that you are indeed better off without him, then you should say nothing at all. Going around with puffy red eyes, tissues, and using a sarcastic and bitter tone to tell everyone, "I'm so glad to be rid of that asshole," makes you sound... less than happy.
Also: misery may love company, but company doesn't like misery.
And last, I would really rather not rehash the whole relationship... ten billion times. Every conversation. Every gift. Every phone call, email, IM, look, sigh, moment... god help me. Please. No. More.
SUMMING IT UP
Yeah, I know this probably made me sound bitter. And that's not it. Obviously, hearing about this stuff is part of being good friends, and I get that. Like everyone I know, I want to hear the highlights - a big concert, a great restaurant, a must-see movie, the first time he says "I love you," the first time you realize you love him, the big fights, etc. - but think of those as relationship landmarks. Going back to the travel analogy, if you go on a trip, you wouldn't tell everyone about every stop at the convenience store, every single moment at the beach, or ever restaurant you stopped at. You'd tell them about the best and worst of it. Think of this the same way, and we're in business.
Most of this is sarcastic and extreme, but the truth is, I really am tired of having every single conversation come back to the new guy or girl and what it all means. I would hope that there is more to each of us than just our search for someone else. And while I know it must be tempting to share everything about your beloved with everyone, I know that at some level, we all realize that it's narcissistic to think that we all care so much. It's like dogs in their front yards: they want to go explore the sidewalk, but they know it's forbidden. People have solved that problem. They've installed those electric fences that nobody can see, so that if they go too close, they get a quick shock and they are reminded of their rightful place (on a side note, sometimes I don't trust those fences. I just feel like some dogs will bolt right through them. This has yet to be proven). Similarly, I have considered trying to get a similar system going for these people who can't shut up about their boyfriend or girlfriend. I'd have this remote - tiny enough to be in my pocket - and when I felt they were treading into dangerous territory, I'd just press the button and shhhhock! They'd shut up right away. This is a little bit like my shot-to-the-leg strategy. Apparently, I'm a fan of corporal punishment that does not result in death, but simply pain enough for the person to realize, "Hmm, I shouldn't be like this."
I swear, some of these ideas are solid gold.
The Rules:
EVEN BEFORE YOU GO OUT...
Here's a question. How much pre-date talk should your friends have to listen to? My answer? About ten minutes - and that's generous. Until you actually go on the date, there's no need to discuss whether he would want to build the picket fence or just buy it out of the catalog. Besides the "I met this guy, I think he's cute, we're going out," there's little left to say. I don't really want to analyze every word of his two-minute voice mail trying to figure out if "Meet me at 7," means "Meet me at 7," or "I really want to marry you so please meet me at 7," or whether it means, "I hate you but I'm asking you out just for the hell of it so meet me at 7." You think I'm exaggerating, but barely. Here's the thing though: the more you talk about it before the date, the less I'm going to want to hear after the date. See, there's the trick. If you tell me everything, I'll be bored already. (And the truth is, the more you obsess and analyze, the less you'll care to know about him, too, though I'm still trying to get people to believe this.) Also, the more you talk about it, the more I'll think, "Thank God somebody asked her out, because she seems to really need this." You don't want that.
There's a gray area to the first rule, of course, which comes into play when you know the guy ahead of time. If both us know him, and if there's a lot riding on this date (as in, you are good friends, this is your crush since forever) you get a break. So instead of 10 minutes, you get about 15-20.
RULES FOR ONLINE
We'll start with the obvious here: instant messenging is the absolute worst thing to happen to dating. As an extension, it's also the worst thing that has happened to talking about dating. It's because it's so easy to copy and paste every conversation you have with a guy or girl, and so you just keep sending it to your friends so they can decide whether "hi" means "I like you," "I hate you," or, better yet, "I want to go out with you, have you meet my parents, marry you, have children, and pay for your retirement." So as the first rule, keep the IM conversation copying to an absolute minimum. The only thing I really want to read from IM conversations is something so outrageous that you can't believe someone just said that to you (think: "I used to have a crush on my sister, but that passed... so you want to go out Friday?) or something so funny that you had to send it along (think: "I used to have a crush on my sister, but that passed... so you want to go out Friday?). Other than that, chill out on the copy/paste function.
Also, no matter how "cute" you think some conversation is, my guess is that nobody else will think it's cute. Not even if he calls you your secret nickname (snookums sounds cute to.... no one), not even if he tells you he loves you, not even if he confesses that he really had the weird childhood habit of biting his toes (not cute, even fifteen years later).
As for the email, I can't decode email. Neither can you, but you won't believe me. Either way, I don't need to read every email conversation that you have. Here's how to navigate this one: pick and choose. You know how when you go on vacation and come back with about 2000 pictures? Think of this the same way: the truth is, nobody really cares to see every single picture and hear the story behind each one. And nobody likes their friend who makes them sit through a session like that. Choose about five that highlight the trip - one great one, one funny one, one horrible one, and one that you just happen to love for whatever reason. Apply the same to emails, and we're rolling.
And last, and perhaps most important: away messages absolutely count in terms of "talking about dating." If I send you an IM, and I get the away message, "love you baby, good luck on your test," I'm cutting you right off my buddy list. That's it. Same with "Class, lunch, homework, dinner with the best boyfriend ever" or "3 months! love you (insert insane smiley here)" I can't really talk about the profile business, which I think is overdone anyhow, but that's my own choice to check those. But the away messages are communication, so they fall right in this category. So the rule is: away messages aren't the forum for your public displays of affection. And also, it's impossible for every single girl to have the best boyfriend ever. Even in online world. Just to let everyone out there know.
NOW THAT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/DATE/THING?...
First off, for girls, I'm putting an end to the obligatory "the boy" nickname for any guy who she's dating, who's become her boyfriend, who's the guy everyone knows she likes. It's too much. Every time a girl answers her phone, it's suddenly "the boy." If you ask who she's talking about, it's "the boy." Who are you having lunch with? "The boy." Do these girls realize that there is, in fact, more than ONE boy in the world? I would rather hear them say, "a boy," because at least that's grammatically and linguistically correct. Bottom line? The guy has a name. Use it. I don't think you're any cooler for calling him "the boy," and I don't think he's any more or any less yours if you call him "the boy" or use his real name. Seriously. I promise.
Additionally, I don't have to hear about your boyfriend's plans. People have this tendency to take on their boyfriend's or girlfriend's lives as part of their own. I've asked my friend, "Hey, how are you?" and heard, "Oh, Jen's got a huge test tomorrow, so she's really stressed." I can't tell if my friends are deaf, dumb, or as my sister famously replied to that question, "just couldn't hear" me. (Get it?) As an extension of this, if I ask you, "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow night?" The correct answer is, "I'm not sure yet," not "We're not sure yet." Reread that if you need to, it's a big one.
Along the same lines, having a boyfriend/girlfriend/date does not make you incapable of carrying on normal conversations. You can talk about current events, a movie, or heck, even something to do with someone's life other than your own, without having to mention him or her. I love when I'm talking to a friend about the Red Sox, or the weather, or my day, and she responds with, "Yeah, well, I just don't know what I'm going to do about Jason." I'm thinking... Jason Varitek? Is Jason a weather guy? But no, she was just back to thinking about her boyfriend. Complete one-track mind. And it happens to guys too. Once, my friend shut off a television episode with only about three minutes to go because his girlfriend called and suddenly was ready for him to come over. The message sent? You're not important, and she is. Not a good thing.
Here's another big one: unless you are going to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, don't tell me how much you hate them or how much they are driving you nuts. This is a little tricky, because obviously it's fine to vent about something that happens, but if you constantly tell me that you are in a fight, or that she's treating you badly, or that he's always bailing on your plans, I'm going to realize that your boyfriend or girlfriend is a loser. And because I've got the objective perspective to see this, and you don't, you're not going to like it when I'm not thrilled for you that she or he has yet again redeemd him or herself. For me, it just means more of the same: complain complain complain happy happy complain happy complain. Sign me up.
THE BREAK UP RULES
When things become messy for you, they become messy for your friends. The problem with a break-up is that I've never seen a clean break. Even if people mutually decide it's been enough for now, one person is always sad and mopey. And if that happens to be you, you are going to feel the need to tell everyone - I mean EVERYONE - how much happier you are without your ex. And no, that's not a typo. The sadder you are, the more intent you are on making sure that everyone knows just how joyous your life is. So here's clue number one: if you really want people to know that you are indeed better off without him, then you should say nothing at all. Going around with puffy red eyes, tissues, and using a sarcastic and bitter tone to tell everyone, "I'm so glad to be rid of that asshole," makes you sound... less than happy.
Also: misery may love company, but company doesn't like misery.
And last, I would really rather not rehash the whole relationship... ten billion times. Every conversation. Every gift. Every phone call, email, IM, look, sigh, moment... god help me. Please. No. More.
SUMMING IT UP
Yeah, I know this probably made me sound bitter. And that's not it. Obviously, hearing about this stuff is part of being good friends, and I get that. Like everyone I know, I want to hear the highlights - a big concert, a great restaurant, a must-see movie, the first time he says "I love you," the first time you realize you love him, the big fights, etc. - but think of those as relationship landmarks. Going back to the travel analogy, if you go on a trip, you wouldn't tell everyone about every stop at the convenience store, every single moment at the beach, or ever restaurant you stopped at. You'd tell them about the best and worst of it. Think of this the same way, and we're in business.
Most of this is sarcastic and extreme, but the truth is, I really am tired of having every single conversation come back to the new guy or girl and what it all means. I would hope that there is more to each of us than just our search for someone else. And while I know it must be tempting to share everything about your beloved with everyone, I know that at some level, we all realize that it's narcissistic to think that we all care so much. It's like dogs in their front yards: they want to go explore the sidewalk, but they know it's forbidden. People have solved that problem. They've installed those electric fences that nobody can see, so that if they go too close, they get a quick shock and they are reminded of their rightful place (on a side note, sometimes I don't trust those fences. I just feel like some dogs will bolt right through them. This has yet to be proven). Similarly, I have considered trying to get a similar system going for these people who can't shut up about their boyfriend or girlfriend. I'd have this remote - tiny enough to be in my pocket - and when I felt they were treading into dangerous territory, I'd just press the button and shhhhock! They'd shut up right away. This is a little bit like my shot-to-the-leg strategy. Apparently, I'm a fan of corporal punishment that does not result in death, but simply pain enough for the person to realize, "Hmm, I shouldn't be like this."
I swear, some of these ideas are solid gold.
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