The Roomus Awards
In honor of the Academy Awards, I have decided to come up with a list of my own awards. I would have written "The First Annual Roomus Awards," but then I realized that if I make this an annual event and am still writing in this thing as a semi-professional next year and the years to come, I will have reached rock bottom and really will have no credibility in giving out any real or sarcastic awards. So instead, they're just the Roomus Awards. Plus, what if I want to give out awards again in July? I have to think of these things before putting arbitrary titles everywhere.
Without further ado (and the cheesy comic intro monologue) the awards are:
The Roomus Award for Best Comeback: my brother, Michael, for the anti-feminist remark of the century
My brother was the clear underdog in the situational set-up for his comeback, when my friend Amanda, who has a good few inches and about six years on the kid, told my brother to "Man up" and play the card game already. My brother could have said nothing. He could have gotten upset. Instead, he said, "Woman down, Amanda," and cleared the way for this landmark victory.
The Roomus Award for Best New Television Superstar: Natalie, for "My Super Sweet 16"
Hey, at least this way people would be talking about her party "for at least a month." Ava was a runner-up for this category, especially when she pulled out all the stops for the dramatic fake-crying at Dolce when her folks didn't give her the Range Rover, but Natalie beat her out with this gem: "I think people didn't like me, like, because I am just so much prettier." Congratulations, Princess.
The Roomus Award for Best Career Move: tie between the Olsen twins and Lindsay Lohan for turning 18
Here's the rationale: if MK, Ash, and Linds are still under 18, they can't be on the covers of Maxim, GQ, whatever - because it's seen as a little pedophiliac (word?) to be ogling a minor. Plus, they can all control their money now so they don't have their stage parents taking all their money to buy themselves Botox and can put the money towards something for themselves - like fake boobs.
Also, for Mary Kate, this move was especially important because it meant she could check herself out of her "eating disorder" clinic and continue her "non-drug" ways on the party circuit. Clutch.
The Roomus Award for Best Away Message: Mark, for spreading Christmas cheer
I came back to my room one Saturday afternoon to be pathetic and look up people's away messages when I came across the King of all Away Messages. In a plain Times New Roman font, unassumming RA Mark wrote the following: "Merry Christmas you little shits. Enjoy the noise violation." A beautiful moment, and a true triumph for the Instant Messaging world.
The Roomus Award for the Best Failed Internet Search: Vicky, for Thai food
"Ahhhh! The website for Brown Sugar cafe isn't brownsugar.com!"
The Roomus Award for Character Deserving of His Own Sitcom: Kip
I am convinced that Napoleon Dynamite wouldn't be anything without Kip. I mean, from the cheese grating moments to "Your Mom goes to college," the guy stole the show. And when LaFawnduh showed up... put this guy in the comedic pantheon of pathetic losers. Can you imagine a show that chronicles the new life of Kip and LaFawnduh? MTV should contact me.
The Roomus Award for Most Obliviously Disgusting Salesperson: CampCo cashier
This woman in CampCo rang up my Snapple and magazine, took my money, wiped her nose, blew her nose, gave back change, and bagged my items all with the same hand and without any look of apology. This, I believe, deserves some sort of consideration.
The Roomus Award for Best Abbreviation: Vicky (repeat winner), for Burrit
Apparently, the "o" on the end just isn't worth the effort. I give her this award because surprisingly (or, more accurately, sadly) it's caught on for us.
The Roomus Award for Best Insult: Joe, for El Limon
In perhaps the most brilliant moment of the year, Joe titled the Dimwit "The Lemon," (think the car) to describe the failure that she is. As we have often said now, some people should just be sent back to the factory. There's just always a defective one in every batch.
The Roomus Award for Most Random Date Requirement: ----, for the steak exception
So he took me to Longhorn Steakhouse, where I ordered chicken, and before the meal arrived, he said the following (on the first date):
"I'm glad you didn't order steak. I don't like when girls order steak."
"Oh."
"Or pizza."
"Oh."
The Roomus Award for Best Question at a Press Junket: The Tonight Show Comic, for asking Derek Jeter about his preference
"So, what's better... being in the all-star game, or Mariah Carey?" If only all journalists could be THIS good.
The Roomus Award for Best Football Cheer: Katie Long, for the touchdown climax
She claims that my mocking of her cheer has caused her to be completely self-conscious while watching the Superbowl, but you know what, I'm thinking that's okay. When the Patriots ran for a touchdown, I looked over to see an entranced KL chanting, "Go... go.. go go go go GO GO GO GO GGOOOOOOOO!" And when it was over (the, umm, touchdown), she could finally (thank god) relax.
The Roomus Award for Best Idea-in-Theory-But-Would-Never-Really-Work: Andy, for his naptime locale
I feel a little bad giving this award, but I think it's deserving. Andy came up with a good idea in theory: have a place where you can go and rent a bed for an hour so you can nap during the day. You can get coffee afterwards to wake yourself up. Actually, I'm not sure that he added that, but it's a good idea, so if he actually goes through with this (which could be disastrous, thus why he has the award) I should get some credit. But anyway, the catch was, obviously, that you can rent a bed only for one and sheets would be changed in between customers. Here's the problem: how many people do you know can just sleep in front of other people? I can't. I believe normal people can't. So he's going to have a group of total freaks sleeping in beds next to each other? Does anyone else think this spells disaster? I'm sorry to do it, but he's got to get this award.
The Roomus Award for Best Freak-out: The "True Life" groom, for bitching out his limo driver
MTV did this True Life series where they followed couples getting married, and this guy from New York told his limo driver that he was going to track him down and cut him up if he didn't show up right then. The best part was that he was saying all of this while stomping around this little suburban street in a three-piece all-white tuxedo.
The Roomus Award for Moment of the Year: The Boston Red Sox, for Oct. 17, 2004 - Oct. 27, 2004
No explanation necessary.
Without further ado (and the cheesy comic intro monologue) the awards are:
The Roomus Award for Best Comeback: my brother, Michael, for the anti-feminist remark of the century
My brother was the clear underdog in the situational set-up for his comeback, when my friend Amanda, who has a good few inches and about six years on the kid, told my brother to "Man up" and play the card game already. My brother could have said nothing. He could have gotten upset. Instead, he said, "Woman down, Amanda," and cleared the way for this landmark victory.
The Roomus Award for Best New Television Superstar: Natalie, for "My Super Sweet 16"
Hey, at least this way people would be talking about her party "for at least a month." Ava was a runner-up for this category, especially when she pulled out all the stops for the dramatic fake-crying at Dolce when her folks didn't give her the Range Rover, but Natalie beat her out with this gem: "I think people didn't like me, like, because I am just so much prettier." Congratulations, Princess.
The Roomus Award for Best Career Move: tie between the Olsen twins and Lindsay Lohan for turning 18
Here's the rationale: if MK, Ash, and Linds are still under 18, they can't be on the covers of Maxim, GQ, whatever - because it's seen as a little pedophiliac (word?) to be ogling a minor. Plus, they can all control their money now so they don't have their stage parents taking all their money to buy themselves Botox and can put the money towards something for themselves - like fake boobs.
Also, for Mary Kate, this move was especially important because it meant she could check herself out of her "eating disorder" clinic and continue her "non-drug" ways on the party circuit. Clutch.
The Roomus Award for Best Away Message: Mark, for spreading Christmas cheer
I came back to my room one Saturday afternoon to be pathetic and look up people's away messages when I came across the King of all Away Messages. In a plain Times New Roman font, unassumming RA Mark wrote the following: "Merry Christmas you little shits. Enjoy the noise violation." A beautiful moment, and a true triumph for the Instant Messaging world.
The Roomus Award for the Best Failed Internet Search: Vicky, for Thai food
"Ahhhh! The website for Brown Sugar cafe isn't brownsugar.com!"
The Roomus Award for Character Deserving of His Own Sitcom: Kip
I am convinced that Napoleon Dynamite wouldn't be anything without Kip. I mean, from the cheese grating moments to "Your Mom goes to college," the guy stole the show. And when LaFawnduh showed up... put this guy in the comedic pantheon of pathetic losers. Can you imagine a show that chronicles the new life of Kip and LaFawnduh? MTV should contact me.
The Roomus Award for Most Obliviously Disgusting Salesperson: CampCo cashier
This woman in CampCo rang up my Snapple and magazine, took my money, wiped her nose, blew her nose, gave back change, and bagged my items all with the same hand and without any look of apology. This, I believe, deserves some sort of consideration.
The Roomus Award for Best Abbreviation: Vicky (repeat winner), for Burrit
Apparently, the "o" on the end just isn't worth the effort. I give her this award because surprisingly (or, more accurately, sadly) it's caught on for us.
The Roomus Award for Best Insult: Joe, for El Limon
In perhaps the most brilliant moment of the year, Joe titled the Dimwit "The Lemon," (think the car) to describe the failure that she is. As we have often said now, some people should just be sent back to the factory. There's just always a defective one in every batch.
The Roomus Award for Most Random Date Requirement: ----, for the steak exception
So he took me to Longhorn Steakhouse, where I ordered chicken, and before the meal arrived, he said the following (on the first date):
"I'm glad you didn't order steak. I don't like when girls order steak."
"Oh."
"Or pizza."
"Oh."
The Roomus Award for Best Question at a Press Junket: The Tonight Show Comic, for asking Derek Jeter about his preference
"So, what's better... being in the all-star game, or Mariah Carey?" If only all journalists could be THIS good.
The Roomus Award for Best Football Cheer: Katie Long, for the touchdown climax
She claims that my mocking of her cheer has caused her to be completely self-conscious while watching the Superbowl, but you know what, I'm thinking that's okay. When the Patriots ran for a touchdown, I looked over to see an entranced KL chanting, "Go... go.. go go go go GO GO GO GO GGOOOOOOOO!" And when it was over (the, umm, touchdown), she could finally (thank god) relax.
The Roomus Award for Best Idea-in-Theory-But-Would-Never-Really-Work: Andy, for his naptime locale
I feel a little bad giving this award, but I think it's deserving. Andy came up with a good idea in theory: have a place where you can go and rent a bed for an hour so you can nap during the day. You can get coffee afterwards to wake yourself up. Actually, I'm not sure that he added that, but it's a good idea, so if he actually goes through with this (which could be disastrous, thus why he has the award) I should get some credit. But anyway, the catch was, obviously, that you can rent a bed only for one and sheets would be changed in between customers. Here's the problem: how many people do you know can just sleep in front of other people? I can't. I believe normal people can't. So he's going to have a group of total freaks sleeping in beds next to each other? Does anyone else think this spells disaster? I'm sorry to do it, but he's got to get this award.
The Roomus Award for Best Freak-out: The "True Life" groom, for bitching out his limo driver
MTV did this True Life series where they followed couples getting married, and this guy from New York told his limo driver that he was going to track him down and cut him up if he didn't show up right then. The best part was that he was saying all of this while stomping around this little suburban street in a three-piece all-white tuxedo.
The Roomus Award for Moment of the Year: The Boston Red Sox, for Oct. 17, 2004 - Oct. 27, 2004
No explanation necessary.
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