The Roomus Guide to Valentine's Day
Everyone seems to be giving out their advice on how to celebrate Valentine's Day, or how to avoid it, or what it all means. Every time I've tried to read a newspaper or magazine, it seems like they've taken up the same argument: either how to make your Valentine's Day original or how to avoid the holiday all-together. It seems like there are two types of camps out there: those who want to make Valentine's Day the official national holiday, or those who want to make it like Arbor Day. And even those articles are simplifying the whole problem, which, if you ask me, has become like an epidemic. So I'm going to have to put a stop to all these Valentine's Day shenanigans. No more of this overboard "I LOVE EVERYTHING RED AND PINK AND HEARTS!!!" crap. No more of the "I hate everyone and everything associated with February 14th!" (notice, by the way, the avoidance of naming the holiday. These people sometimes even refuse to wear red or pink on any of the 28 days. A cry for help, if you ask me. But more on that later.) And definitely, DEFINITELY no more of the "I'm going to take the day to appreciate my friends" bullshit. I've had enough.
Let's start with the people who love Valentine's Day. I love these people because most likely, they are in a new relationship or they are in a relationship for the first time on Valentine's Day. Either way, the day has now become their personal national holiday. It's actually kind of comical to watch these people. It's like you're watching someone who's stuffing their face at a lousy all-you-can-eat Hometown buffet because it's their first time there and they haven't realized that the food will make you sick in about five minutes. You want to warn them and all, but it's too good to just watch their enthusiasm fade quickly into one of those "I'm going to die" sad faces. You can't help but watch. Anyway, as a side note, these are also the people who buy those stupid stuffed animals at CVS that say things like, "I Wuvvv Youuu" when you pull the string in their back. Now I have nothing against regular stuffed animals, as all my friends know, but these things are just ugly, and so I'm figuring that the makers are capitalizing on the fact that the intended buyers don't care at all what they look like, because they're too blinded by the fact that when they buy them, they shout, "I AM BUYING THIS PURPLE SPOTTED MONKEY FOR MY HOT NEW BOYFRIEND WHO LOVES ME AND WILL MARRY ME," to the CVS clerk.
My guess - and really, this has nothing to do with bitterness - is that by maybe, oh, next month, that these people are throwing away the crappy stuffed animals they got from their now ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and acknowledging how ugly they were in the first place. It's a sad existence for these stuffed animal, just like the Hometown Buffet. Once you've gone overboard there, you never go back. I'd be interested in knowing the percentage of these Valentine's Day stuffed animals in the national stuffed animal graveyard, and the percentage of first-time-only diners at Hometown Buffet. My guess is that both are astronomical.
Now that we've sort of touched on it, we can go next to the people who also need to stop. These are the bitter faction of Valentine's folks. These people really wish they were celebrating, but they pretend to hate the holiday. And, in the worst display of patheticness, they blame a card company for their sadness. I mean, have you heard a more pathetic scapegoat than the HALLMARK Company? I haven't. Aside from blaming them for some horrendously cheesy jokes (which, I mean, I personally can't really call anyone on), you really can't blame a greeting card company for anything witout seeming horribly pathetic yourself. Also, these people go around complaining about every single Valentine's Day display they pass. You don't see Jewish people doing this at Christmas time, do you? No. Jewish people aren't pathetic, that's why. They just go around and say, "Oh, what a nice Christmas tree," even though they don't have one at home. Sure, they might wish they could buy some ornaments for their own, but they don't get all bent out of shape about it and try to stomp on all the Christians' parades. Really. The ironic thing is, the more these people complain about Valentine's Day - to anyone who has the audacity to suggest that they are celebrating it, anyone who is wearing red, anyone who happens to be on the same T as they are - these folks really just seem like pathetic wannabes. Interestingly, girls are really the only ones in this category.
And lastly, I'm sorry to do this, because many of these people I know, but this category belongs to the people who claim to love Valentine's Day even if they don't have their own Valentine because (get your gag reflexes ready), "All of my friends are my Valentines." Gaaaag. Okay. These people really want to scream, "I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY BUT I WILL PRETEND TO BE OKAY WITH IT BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WILL END UP IN THE CATEGORY ABOVE." So really, just make some room in the paragraph above and shove these folks in there. I'm tired of hearing that they are going to make the day about their friends, or even (gag) worse - about themselves! I mean, have you ever heard anything so absurd? "I'm taking the day to celebrate myself." In case these people haven't noticed, they have a BIRTHDAY already. Nobody is so great that they need to take two days to celebrate themselves, and let's face it, anybody who claims that they are "taking the day" intended to appreciate someone else to appreciate themselves? I might as well tell these people. With an attitude like that, they're going to be spending many Valentine's Days celebrating themselves. I want to know if they buy themselves chocolates and those ugly stuffed animals. In fact, I bet that these people are the only ones who keep those ugly stuffed animals, but that their strings are all pulled out from saying over and over again, "I Wuvvvvvvv Youuuu." It's sad, really.
So I realize this has made me seem anti-Valentine's Day, but really, I'm only Anti-Valentines People. If you can understand that. The best way, in my opinion, to approach Valentine's Day is to approach it like Christmas: if you're Christian and celebrating, then go ahead and buy what you want. Get yourself a big old Christmas tree. I mean, don't be one of those crazy overboard people who wear Santa sweaters and reindeer headbands (can those be outlawed?). But my point is, you shouldn't feel bad about it, and you should just celebrate it like the holiday it rightfully is. Similarly, if you are not Christian, you can still partake in the spirit of Christmas and just feel good about it all. You can like the displays and look at all the decorations for sale, and if you find an especially good one, you can buy it. Go ahead. Nobody cares. And nobody really wants to hear about why you're buying it, or who you're buying it for, or how your last relationship didn't work out and so you're still kind of in relationship rehab hell. Nobody cares about you. (It's hard to hear the truth, isn't it?) And if you don't like any of it, okay. Make it like Arbor Day. It's a holiday. Some treehuggers go out and hug trees. You don't have to. But you also don't have to burn a pile of blank paper, either.
Oh, and a few leftovers for final notes: I'm also tired of reading about how roses and chocolates are unoriginal and should be avoided. Riiiiight. Are these people telling me that if they got a bouquet of red roses they'd be disappointed? Give me a break. And last: no more of this "It's dumb to have just one day a year designated to tell the person you love them. You should do it whenever. Like February 12th or something." Total bullshit. February 14th it is. Last I checked, Caesar was dead and buried.
Let's start with the people who love Valentine's Day. I love these people because most likely, they are in a new relationship or they are in a relationship for the first time on Valentine's Day. Either way, the day has now become their personal national holiday. It's actually kind of comical to watch these people. It's like you're watching someone who's stuffing their face at a lousy all-you-can-eat Hometown buffet because it's their first time there and they haven't realized that the food will make you sick in about five minutes. You want to warn them and all, but it's too good to just watch their enthusiasm fade quickly into one of those "I'm going to die" sad faces. You can't help but watch. Anyway, as a side note, these are also the people who buy those stupid stuffed animals at CVS that say things like, "I Wuvvv Youuu" when you pull the string in their back. Now I have nothing against regular stuffed animals, as all my friends know, but these things are just ugly, and so I'm figuring that the makers are capitalizing on the fact that the intended buyers don't care at all what they look like, because they're too blinded by the fact that when they buy them, they shout, "I AM BUYING THIS PURPLE SPOTTED MONKEY FOR MY HOT NEW BOYFRIEND WHO LOVES ME AND WILL MARRY ME," to the CVS clerk.
My guess - and really, this has nothing to do with bitterness - is that by maybe, oh, next month, that these people are throwing away the crappy stuffed animals they got from their now ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and acknowledging how ugly they were in the first place. It's a sad existence for these stuffed animal, just like the Hometown Buffet. Once you've gone overboard there, you never go back. I'd be interested in knowing the percentage of these Valentine's Day stuffed animals in the national stuffed animal graveyard, and the percentage of first-time-only diners at Hometown Buffet. My guess is that both are astronomical.
Now that we've sort of touched on it, we can go next to the people who also need to stop. These are the bitter faction of Valentine's folks. These people really wish they were celebrating, but they pretend to hate the holiday. And, in the worst display of patheticness, they blame a card company for their sadness. I mean, have you heard a more pathetic scapegoat than the HALLMARK Company? I haven't. Aside from blaming them for some horrendously cheesy jokes (which, I mean, I personally can't really call anyone on), you really can't blame a greeting card company for anything witout seeming horribly pathetic yourself. Also, these people go around complaining about every single Valentine's Day display they pass. You don't see Jewish people doing this at Christmas time, do you? No. Jewish people aren't pathetic, that's why. They just go around and say, "Oh, what a nice Christmas tree," even though they don't have one at home. Sure, they might wish they could buy some ornaments for their own, but they don't get all bent out of shape about it and try to stomp on all the Christians' parades. Really. The ironic thing is, the more these people complain about Valentine's Day - to anyone who has the audacity to suggest that they are celebrating it, anyone who is wearing red, anyone who happens to be on the same T as they are - these folks really just seem like pathetic wannabes. Interestingly, girls are really the only ones in this category.
And lastly, I'm sorry to do this, because many of these people I know, but this category belongs to the people who claim to love Valentine's Day even if they don't have their own Valentine because (get your gag reflexes ready), "All of my friends are my Valentines." Gaaaag. Okay. These people really want to scream, "I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY BUT I WILL PRETEND TO BE OKAY WITH IT BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WILL END UP IN THE CATEGORY ABOVE." So really, just make some room in the paragraph above and shove these folks in there. I'm tired of hearing that they are going to make the day about their friends, or even (gag) worse - about themselves! I mean, have you ever heard anything so absurd? "I'm taking the day to celebrate myself." In case these people haven't noticed, they have a BIRTHDAY already. Nobody is so great that they need to take two days to celebrate themselves, and let's face it, anybody who claims that they are "taking the day" intended to appreciate someone else to appreciate themselves? I might as well tell these people. With an attitude like that, they're going to be spending many Valentine's Days celebrating themselves. I want to know if they buy themselves chocolates and those ugly stuffed animals. In fact, I bet that these people are the only ones who keep those ugly stuffed animals, but that their strings are all pulled out from saying over and over again, "I Wuvvvvvvv Youuuu." It's sad, really.
So I realize this has made me seem anti-Valentine's Day, but really, I'm only Anti-Valentines People. If you can understand that. The best way, in my opinion, to approach Valentine's Day is to approach it like Christmas: if you're Christian and celebrating, then go ahead and buy what you want. Get yourself a big old Christmas tree. I mean, don't be one of those crazy overboard people who wear Santa sweaters and reindeer headbands (can those be outlawed?). But my point is, you shouldn't feel bad about it, and you should just celebrate it like the holiday it rightfully is. Similarly, if you are not Christian, you can still partake in the spirit of Christmas and just feel good about it all. You can like the displays and look at all the decorations for sale, and if you find an especially good one, you can buy it. Go ahead. Nobody cares. And nobody really wants to hear about why you're buying it, or who you're buying it for, or how your last relationship didn't work out and so you're still kind of in relationship rehab hell. Nobody cares about you. (It's hard to hear the truth, isn't it?) And if you don't like any of it, okay. Make it like Arbor Day. It's a holiday. Some treehuggers go out and hug trees. You don't have to. But you also don't have to burn a pile of blank paper, either.
Oh, and a few leftovers for final notes: I'm also tired of reading about how roses and chocolates are unoriginal and should be avoided. Riiiiight. Are these people telling me that if they got a bouquet of red roses they'd be disappointed? Give me a break. And last: no more of this "It's dumb to have just one day a year designated to tell the person you love them. You should do it whenever. Like February 12th or something." Total bullshit. February 14th it is. Last I checked, Caesar was dead and buried.
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