No, really - don't be this girl
Where do I even begin with this?
A while back, I wrote about my brilliant idea about annoying people. I had this plan, basically to mark annoying people by shooting them in the leg. Sure, it sounds horrific and inhumane, but it wouldn't be to kill anyone. It would be to let the person know, "Hey, you're annoying" while at the same time letting everyone else know, "This person is annoying. You should stay away." Anyhow, that was the basic set-up of the plan.
Today, I met someone who not only qualifies for this procedure, but really for whom it does injustice. I mean, to truly teach this person how annoying she is, and to truly warn anybody who might have to interact with her on any level, she should really just be shot right in the head. I'm probably going to get in a shitload of trouble for this. I won't say her name. I'll call her Dimwit, which is a compliment in her case. This girl couldn't find her brain if you gave her a map, compass, flashlight, yahoo mapfinder, and a personal guide. Actually, when I think about it, this might be an unfair test, though, because I'm doubtful that there actually is a brain in that fat head of hers. That's how bad she is.
Let me give you the background. Seriously. It will be good for me to vent.
I had Dimwit in a class with me during my sophomore year. It was an English class, and she asked THE most inane questions, ever. She would just raise her hand, and completely shamelessly ask, "So, I was reading the syllabus, and I didn't really understand what you meant by "Papers are due at the beginning of class." Is that the begining of class, or is that the beginning of class?"
I wanted to just flick her forehead multiple times. Actually, that sounds like a pretty good thing to do to her, instead of the whole shot to the head kind of thing. Just constant forehead flicking.
Anyhow, I was convinced that this girl was an idiot because of all the stupid questions she asked. And it wouldn't be horrible if we just had to sit through her stupid questions, because hey, there's obvious humor in someone else's stupidity. But it was the WAY she asked everything: totally out of place, completely randomly, and in the most annoying whiny voice ever. Oh, and she always wore pants that were at least two sizes too small and you could always see her underwear and where it ended and began. Apparently even her mirror couldn't deal with her.
So she was a year ahead of me. I was so glad to hear this, because it was one less year that I would have to tolerate her existence. And then, this morning, when I went into my first class, we were going around doing introductions, and I heard a familiar voice. That familiar weird pacing of words. That familiar complete inappropriateness. And I knew. I didn't even have to turn around. The Dimwit was back. I swear, I had to stop myself from screaming. Not just the, but at least like ten times throughout the class.
Maybe you think I'm being too hard. Maybe you think I'm just being my normal bitter self. No way. I'd give anyone one second talking to her, and you'd know: this is the most ridiculous person I have ever met in my entire life. You seriously want those seconds of your life back. You actually feel cheated every time she talks. Let me give some examples of her complete ineptitude at life:
This morning, in front of a class of 60, she got out of her chair, made a huge commotion shuffling down her aisle, crossed the room right in front of the professor, who was in the middle of talking to the class, and asked the TA for a copy of the assignment sheet. We weren't even going over the assignment sheet! We had gone over the assignment sheet like a half hour ago! I mean, really honey, the ship had passed! Even more ridiculous, we had about fifteen minutes to go, when she could ask the TA for the paper after class was over. Or how about asking during the ten minute break we had a few minutes ago? Don't those sound like logical options? Nah. Why not be completely retarded about it? (And as an aside, my friend hates when I use retarded to describe people without mental handicaps, but I sincerely believe that I'm not violating that here.)
Here's another gem. The class I'm taking is about educational methods. So the professor gives an example of what he might be teaching, and then talks about how to teach it. At one point, he gave an example about Christopher Columbus. He wanted to know how we could get kids to talk about Columbus, and so he started to give a brief history. Like a two sentence summary about trading, Ferdinand and Isabella, and 1492. People talk for about five minutes and give ideas, and the professor's satisfied, and we get ready to move on.
Not so fast!
"Excuse me?" this stupid whiny voice asks.
"Yes?" asks the professor, completely unassuming at this point. She hasn't really made it known how dumb she is. (Have you ever wanted to warn someone? Every person I've seen her interact with today, I've wanted to warn them. Just be friendly about it. I feel like someone could legit sue me for not warning them. I would honestly plead guilty, and consider myself a safe bet for going to hell just for doing that to them.)
"I'm just confused." Whine whine whine. "I thought Columbus was actually from Portugal."
I swear, like 50 out of the 60 kids in the room all silently were like, "What the fuck?" And if I had to bet on it, the professor was asking himself the same thing. You wonder how people like her get through life. You really do.
She continued to ask outrageous questions like that. I can't even give her stupidity justice. I was actually considering asking one of my friends to come in and fake observe my class, just so she could see for herself the ridiculousness of this girl. I can't even say it's funny though. You pretty much just want to kill yourself for having to live through it.
You'd think it would be bad enough having Dimwit in one class, but no, the gods smiled on me and I have her in two. Six hours, twice a week, I get to see her fat face. Someday, I'm going to ask someone what I did to deserve it.
I'm not even going to get into all of the stupid things she said. She just was continuously interrupting and interjecting and throwing her stupid self all over the place. I kept wanting to just slap her across the face, repeatedly. Or poke her with a fork, over and over again. These are the thoughts that legitimately ran through my head. I'm telling you, it got so bad, she actually made me consider whether I was the crazy one. This is how dangerously deranged she is.
At the end of class, she told the teacher (who was, of course, mid-sentence - but who cares, right?!), "I need an A."
WHAT THE FUCK?
"I'm sorry?" asked the teacher. She had gotten a taste of Dimwit and was done. She had practically pleaded with me and this other girl not to leave her and Dimwit alone. I bet she had these awful visions of dying in that CAS hallway - either just from the sheer force of Dimwit's stupidity or as the result of using the staples in her handouts to slit her wrists. And you know what? I wouldn't have been surprised either way.
"I really need an A," Dimwit continued, while the rest of us wondered how she even thought she was going to survive long enough to cross the street, "because I really messed up last semester. I got ADD." Oh no, kiddo. No no no. I mean, this girl isn't even eligible for ADD. This level of disesase needs muzzles and straight jackets and electric shocks.
I honestly have never, ever, EVER met anyone as socially inept and as moronically stupid as this girl. I wish I had something redeeming to offer, but I don't. I once knew a girl in high school who just made herself a punchline, but at least she meant well. It was like you had to feel bad that she didn't have many friends and that she acted so weirdly. (Once, she did an interpretive dance for the entire swim team and then fell flat on her face during a "difficult" move. I mean, she was a texbook trainwreck.)
I know I sound mean. I have even considered, several times while writing this, that I should go back and make it seem nicer. But you know what? I'm tired of being nice. I'm tired of having to smile through her ridiculous questions. It is an insult to anybody to have to listen to her. Forget being a few cards short of a deck. This girl couldn't play a hand of Go Fish. Not the brightest bulb in the box? You'd need to wire her to the largest freakin generator on the planet to get her even to flicker. There are just no words.
All I can say is this. At the end of the semester in May, when I have completed my student teaching and my classes and have my diploma in hand, when I have had to listen to her week after week whine and complain and just tolerate her existence, somebody is going to have to physically stop me from going up to her and flicking her right on the forehead. Just one flick. Consider it my leg shot. That way, at least for the moment, I would feel satisfied that she knew she was a complete waste of space, and everyone around would recognize she was a loser. If even for a minute, I'd feel I had contributed in some great way to the world. I'd made my mark. Right on the dead center of her stupid fat forehead. Flick! Knowing her, she'd look around - right past me - and be like, "I'm confused. Did someone just flick me?" Yeah, you stupid fuck, I'd tell her. Somebody finally did.
A while back, I wrote about my brilliant idea about annoying people. I had this plan, basically to mark annoying people by shooting them in the leg. Sure, it sounds horrific and inhumane, but it wouldn't be to kill anyone. It would be to let the person know, "Hey, you're annoying" while at the same time letting everyone else know, "This person is annoying. You should stay away." Anyhow, that was the basic set-up of the plan.
Today, I met someone who not only qualifies for this procedure, but really for whom it does injustice. I mean, to truly teach this person how annoying she is, and to truly warn anybody who might have to interact with her on any level, she should really just be shot right in the head. I'm probably going to get in a shitload of trouble for this. I won't say her name. I'll call her Dimwit, which is a compliment in her case. This girl couldn't find her brain if you gave her a map, compass, flashlight, yahoo mapfinder, and a personal guide. Actually, when I think about it, this might be an unfair test, though, because I'm doubtful that there actually is a brain in that fat head of hers. That's how bad she is.
Let me give you the background. Seriously. It will be good for me to vent.
I had Dimwit in a class with me during my sophomore year. It was an English class, and she asked THE most inane questions, ever. She would just raise her hand, and completely shamelessly ask, "So, I was reading the syllabus, and I didn't really understand what you meant by "Papers are due at the beginning of class." Is that the begining of class, or is that the beginning of class?"
I wanted to just flick her forehead multiple times. Actually, that sounds like a pretty good thing to do to her, instead of the whole shot to the head kind of thing. Just constant forehead flicking.
Anyhow, I was convinced that this girl was an idiot because of all the stupid questions she asked. And it wouldn't be horrible if we just had to sit through her stupid questions, because hey, there's obvious humor in someone else's stupidity. But it was the WAY she asked everything: totally out of place, completely randomly, and in the most annoying whiny voice ever. Oh, and she always wore pants that were at least two sizes too small and you could always see her underwear and where it ended and began. Apparently even her mirror couldn't deal with her.
So she was a year ahead of me. I was so glad to hear this, because it was one less year that I would have to tolerate her existence. And then, this morning, when I went into my first class, we were going around doing introductions, and I heard a familiar voice. That familiar weird pacing of words. That familiar complete inappropriateness. And I knew. I didn't even have to turn around. The Dimwit was back. I swear, I had to stop myself from screaming. Not just the, but at least like ten times throughout the class.
Maybe you think I'm being too hard. Maybe you think I'm just being my normal bitter self. No way. I'd give anyone one second talking to her, and you'd know: this is the most ridiculous person I have ever met in my entire life. You seriously want those seconds of your life back. You actually feel cheated every time she talks. Let me give some examples of her complete ineptitude at life:
This morning, in front of a class of 60, she got out of her chair, made a huge commotion shuffling down her aisle, crossed the room right in front of the professor, who was in the middle of talking to the class, and asked the TA for a copy of the assignment sheet. We weren't even going over the assignment sheet! We had gone over the assignment sheet like a half hour ago! I mean, really honey, the ship had passed! Even more ridiculous, we had about fifteen minutes to go, when she could ask the TA for the paper after class was over. Or how about asking during the ten minute break we had a few minutes ago? Don't those sound like logical options? Nah. Why not be completely retarded about it? (And as an aside, my friend hates when I use retarded to describe people without mental handicaps, but I sincerely believe that I'm not violating that here.)
Here's another gem. The class I'm taking is about educational methods. So the professor gives an example of what he might be teaching, and then talks about how to teach it. At one point, he gave an example about Christopher Columbus. He wanted to know how we could get kids to talk about Columbus, and so he started to give a brief history. Like a two sentence summary about trading, Ferdinand and Isabella, and 1492. People talk for about five minutes and give ideas, and the professor's satisfied, and we get ready to move on.
Not so fast!
"Excuse me?" this stupid whiny voice asks.
"Yes?" asks the professor, completely unassuming at this point. She hasn't really made it known how dumb she is. (Have you ever wanted to warn someone? Every person I've seen her interact with today, I've wanted to warn them. Just be friendly about it. I feel like someone could legit sue me for not warning them. I would honestly plead guilty, and consider myself a safe bet for going to hell just for doing that to them.)
"I'm just confused." Whine whine whine. "I thought Columbus was actually from Portugal."
I swear, like 50 out of the 60 kids in the room all silently were like, "What the fuck?" And if I had to bet on it, the professor was asking himself the same thing. You wonder how people like her get through life. You really do.
She continued to ask outrageous questions like that. I can't even give her stupidity justice. I was actually considering asking one of my friends to come in and fake observe my class, just so she could see for herself the ridiculousness of this girl. I can't even say it's funny though. You pretty much just want to kill yourself for having to live through it.
You'd think it would be bad enough having Dimwit in one class, but no, the gods smiled on me and I have her in two. Six hours, twice a week, I get to see her fat face. Someday, I'm going to ask someone what I did to deserve it.
I'm not even going to get into all of the stupid things she said. She just was continuously interrupting and interjecting and throwing her stupid self all over the place. I kept wanting to just slap her across the face, repeatedly. Or poke her with a fork, over and over again. These are the thoughts that legitimately ran through my head. I'm telling you, it got so bad, she actually made me consider whether I was the crazy one. This is how dangerously deranged she is.
At the end of class, she told the teacher (who was, of course, mid-sentence - but who cares, right?!), "I need an A."
WHAT THE FUCK?
"I'm sorry?" asked the teacher. She had gotten a taste of Dimwit and was done. She had practically pleaded with me and this other girl not to leave her and Dimwit alone. I bet she had these awful visions of dying in that CAS hallway - either just from the sheer force of Dimwit's stupidity or as the result of using the staples in her handouts to slit her wrists. And you know what? I wouldn't have been surprised either way.
"I really need an A," Dimwit continued, while the rest of us wondered how she even thought she was going to survive long enough to cross the street, "because I really messed up last semester. I got ADD." Oh no, kiddo. No no no. I mean, this girl isn't even eligible for ADD. This level of disesase needs muzzles and straight jackets and electric shocks.
I honestly have never, ever, EVER met anyone as socially inept and as moronically stupid as this girl. I wish I had something redeeming to offer, but I don't. I once knew a girl in high school who just made herself a punchline, but at least she meant well. It was like you had to feel bad that she didn't have many friends and that she acted so weirdly. (Once, she did an interpretive dance for the entire swim team and then fell flat on her face during a "difficult" move. I mean, she was a texbook trainwreck.)
I know I sound mean. I have even considered, several times while writing this, that I should go back and make it seem nicer. But you know what? I'm tired of being nice. I'm tired of having to smile through her ridiculous questions. It is an insult to anybody to have to listen to her. Forget being a few cards short of a deck. This girl couldn't play a hand of Go Fish. Not the brightest bulb in the box? You'd need to wire her to the largest freakin generator on the planet to get her even to flicker. There are just no words.
All I can say is this. At the end of the semester in May, when I have completed my student teaching and my classes and have my diploma in hand, when I have had to listen to her week after week whine and complain and just tolerate her existence, somebody is going to have to physically stop me from going up to her and flicking her right on the forehead. Just one flick. Consider it my leg shot. That way, at least for the moment, I would feel satisfied that she knew she was a complete waste of space, and everyone around would recognize she was a loser. If even for a minute, I'd feel I had contributed in some great way to the world. I'd made my mark. Right on the dead center of her stupid fat forehead. Flick! Knowing her, she'd look around - right past me - and be like, "I'm confused. Did someone just flick me?" Yeah, you stupid fuck, I'd tell her. Somebody finally did.
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