Partner in Crime
My family first went to Disneyworld when I was in second grade. My sister was about four years old. She and I were waiting at this fountain at Epcot Center, and it was pretty hot out. My mom was a few feet away. Right next to us, this woman was eating an ice cream cone. I turned to my sister. "Hey Stephanie," I said. "I dare you to ask that woman for a bite of her ice cream." I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, or even funny to watch. I mean, leave it to me to find THAT as a way to have fun in the middle of the most fun place on earth for a kid. Forget rides. If my sister could make a complete idiot out of herself, this was my own personal Disneyworld attraction. I was really messed up.
But as messed up as I was, my sister must have been worse, because not only did she do what I had dared her to, but she didn't even question it. She just looked right over at the woman. "Mmmm," she said. "That ice cream looks really good. Can I have a lick?" No shame or anything. I still don't really know how she got up the nerve to do this, but she did it and then when the woman looked at her like she was nuts, she just sat there, still looking at her waiting for an answer. It had to be the funniest thing I saw all day at Disneyworld.
My sister used to have this awful overbite. She would hate when I made fun of her for her buck teeth. That's probably the number one reason I'm going to hell, becuase I constantly made fun of her for her Peter Rabbit teeth. I would ask her if she wanted any carrots. Seriously. The girl's teeth could reach the bottom of her chin. (Okay, so that's an exaggeration.) She would hate when I did this (surprising, right?). I do kind of feel bad about it, because she couldn't really help it. The buck teeth ended up just being a phase, lucky for her. I haven't mentioned the buck teeth to her in a while and I bet she will want to shoot me for even writing this, and she'll probably want to start her own blog to embarrass me. And trust me, she'd have plenty of material... like the time I peed my pants at Ron-a-Roll. (I was like six. Okay, eight. And I was taking a class for this Girl Scout troop I was in... for like a year. And I had to go, but I didn't want to embarrass myself by having to ask the instructor to leave the group and roll across the rink, so instead I took the other route and just peed right there on the rink. They ended up putting up a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign by it and I just continued skating. Horrible. Oh my god, I am seriously embarrassed, even like twelve years later. Jesus.)
Back to my sister. (Can I even recover from an admission like that? I really don't know.)
My sister always is doing these obnoxious things that are pretty funny to watch. When my brother used to have school concerts and stuff, to make the time pass (umm, sorry Mike), my sister and I would try to outclap the other. What this means is, when the song ends and the audience claps, we keep clapping. And clapping. Until we're the only two morons clapping and everyone around us is looking at us awkwardly wondering whether they too should keep clapping. My parents hated that game. We would also try to start applause randomly during songs, like when they sang some random note or whatever. They hated that game too.
My sister and I would also team up against my poor brother. We used to play this spinning game where we'd spin around in circles trying to get dizzy. I know, really fun. Anyway, my brother wanted to join the game but was nervous that he'd bang into a shelf or the wall or closet or something, so he made us promise to warn him if he got close to anything. We promised and he closed his eyes and started spinning. Well, we must have forgotten to pay close attention, because suddenly he was too close to the edge and bam! he fell right into the closet. He was really angry at us for that.
He would also get angry at us when we would just ignore him. The kid was like three years old and my sister and I would just randomly be like, "Wait, do you hear that? Is someone talking?" whenever my brother would start talking to one of us. Then we would look at him like, "Oh my god, who is this little kid? What is he doing in our CAR?" He would freak out and start hitting us, but we found the whole thing pretty funny.
Speaking of my brother hitting us, I have to just write this quick aside: my brother would beat us up pretty badly, but we would always just laugh at him. This made him even angrier. Imagine being a boy trying to beat up your sisters and having them laugh at your attempts. It just really made him try even harder. He'd seriously hurt us, but the look on his face of such determination made us lose it. My sister and I would try to get my brother to hit us, just so we could laugh at him. I feel bad about our treatment of him, I really do. I've already written that we would make my brother be the dog when we played house. We were awful.
My sister used to be a porker. You would never, ever know it. The girl is real skinny now, but she used to have some serious chub. At first, I didn't believe her when she told me she had been fat. I mean, I know I had been there for it, but I just couldn't imagine it. I kept being like, yeah right. But then one day, I found this picture of her from when she was seven or eight, in second grade, and let me tell you, that girl could have put away my brother. In the picture, she's wearing this red corduroy dress and a sombrero, and she's eating some Mexican food at some second grade festival thing. She's just as happy as ever, stuffing her face. I laughed for about ten hours when I saw that picture. The best thing about my sister is that she's not embarrassed by her fatness at that age; it's like she embraces it and laughs at it too. When I asked her how she got skinny, she just said, "Oh. I went on Ritalin." I mean, you have to laugh at that.
Oh man! I can't believe I forgot about this. Forget about that being the best thing about my sister. The best thing about my sister is her infamous gift-giving. My sister has this ability to make everyone feel like they need to appreciate her, and making fun of her is just too mean. Like when she played the violin, she sucked, but if you said it, she would act like you really hurt her. (On second thought, maybe it would hurt a little fourth-grader to tell her that she has no musical talent whatsoever. The only funny thing really is that she once tried to play the flute but failed, and I am convinced that her buck teeth were the cause of her flute downfall.) She'd also do tap dancing, and once she fell flat on her face and acted like she wasn't crying because of hte pain, but because I was laughing at her. Riiiight. But my father ate it right up and I got in trouble. Anyway, back to my sister's gift giving. I swear, not even Maggie and Amanda, who buy their gifts at CVS, are this bad. On any holiday, like five minutes before we were about to exchange gifts, my sister would go into her room and rummage through her crap. She would find some random piece of trash she no longer wanted, and she'd bring it downstairs and present it to the poor person and be like, "I made this for you," or "I thought of you when I saw this."
The girl once gave me a half-used bottle of nail polish. I'm not even exaggerating. And if you looked at it at all like, "hey, wasn't this your old keychain?" she would get very offended and claim that she had really thought about her gift. My father was a complete sucker for this crap. She once gave him a piece of posterboard cut up and said it was a bookmark she'd made especially for him. Little did he know that it was lining the bottom of her desk drawer about two minutes before he received it. But she would have these big ceremonies and act like she was giving the best gift EVER. That girl owes me at least like fifteen birthday presents.
It's too bad, because she is a pretty funny person, but I can't really think of what else she did that's hysterical. Most of the time she's doing stuff or reminding me of stuff and I'm falling off my chair laughing at her. Just last break, she had me laughing so hard that I choked and water came like shooting out of my nose. Gross, yes, but worth it. I wrote this entry because my sister commented that she wasn't in my "For Real" post. She wasn't all that happy that she wasn't included in it. And though I originally defended it by saying that that post was strictly for my friends, the truth is, my sister (and my brother, for that matter - and I'll write something about him tomorrow or so), is absolutely part of what makes my life so good and so funny. I mean, when I think back, I can't imagine having to sit through family dinners and holidays without her - we spend the whole time just making fun of everyone (my Aunt Bev is an especially fun and easy target). So that's it. She goes along with my jokes, she won't sell me out, and she'll make me laugh. What a great combination. Seriously. Go back, read that again. That's what I love about her, those three things. Those three qualities are real special. She's got them, and I get to reap the benefits. I love it.
But as messed up as I was, my sister must have been worse, because not only did she do what I had dared her to, but she didn't even question it. She just looked right over at the woman. "Mmmm," she said. "That ice cream looks really good. Can I have a lick?" No shame or anything. I still don't really know how she got up the nerve to do this, but she did it and then when the woman looked at her like she was nuts, she just sat there, still looking at her waiting for an answer. It had to be the funniest thing I saw all day at Disneyworld.
My sister used to have this awful overbite. She would hate when I made fun of her for her buck teeth. That's probably the number one reason I'm going to hell, becuase I constantly made fun of her for her Peter Rabbit teeth. I would ask her if she wanted any carrots. Seriously. The girl's teeth could reach the bottom of her chin. (Okay, so that's an exaggeration.) She would hate when I did this (surprising, right?). I do kind of feel bad about it, because she couldn't really help it. The buck teeth ended up just being a phase, lucky for her. I haven't mentioned the buck teeth to her in a while and I bet she will want to shoot me for even writing this, and she'll probably want to start her own blog to embarrass me. And trust me, she'd have plenty of material... like the time I peed my pants at Ron-a-Roll. (I was like six. Okay, eight. And I was taking a class for this Girl Scout troop I was in... for like a year. And I had to go, but I didn't want to embarrass myself by having to ask the instructor to leave the group and roll across the rink, so instead I took the other route and just peed right there on the rink. They ended up putting up a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign by it and I just continued skating. Horrible. Oh my god, I am seriously embarrassed, even like twelve years later. Jesus.)
Back to my sister. (Can I even recover from an admission like that? I really don't know.)
My sister always is doing these obnoxious things that are pretty funny to watch. When my brother used to have school concerts and stuff, to make the time pass (umm, sorry Mike), my sister and I would try to outclap the other. What this means is, when the song ends and the audience claps, we keep clapping. And clapping. Until we're the only two morons clapping and everyone around us is looking at us awkwardly wondering whether they too should keep clapping. My parents hated that game. We would also try to start applause randomly during songs, like when they sang some random note or whatever. They hated that game too.
My sister and I would also team up against my poor brother. We used to play this spinning game where we'd spin around in circles trying to get dizzy. I know, really fun. Anyway, my brother wanted to join the game but was nervous that he'd bang into a shelf or the wall or closet or something, so he made us promise to warn him if he got close to anything. We promised and he closed his eyes and started spinning. Well, we must have forgotten to pay close attention, because suddenly he was too close to the edge and bam! he fell right into the closet. He was really angry at us for that.
He would also get angry at us when we would just ignore him. The kid was like three years old and my sister and I would just randomly be like, "Wait, do you hear that? Is someone talking?" whenever my brother would start talking to one of us. Then we would look at him like, "Oh my god, who is this little kid? What is he doing in our CAR?" He would freak out and start hitting us, but we found the whole thing pretty funny.
Speaking of my brother hitting us, I have to just write this quick aside: my brother would beat us up pretty badly, but we would always just laugh at him. This made him even angrier. Imagine being a boy trying to beat up your sisters and having them laugh at your attempts. It just really made him try even harder. He'd seriously hurt us, but the look on his face of such determination made us lose it. My sister and I would try to get my brother to hit us, just so we could laugh at him. I feel bad about our treatment of him, I really do. I've already written that we would make my brother be the dog when we played house. We were awful.
My sister used to be a porker. You would never, ever know it. The girl is real skinny now, but she used to have some serious chub. At first, I didn't believe her when she told me she had been fat. I mean, I know I had been there for it, but I just couldn't imagine it. I kept being like, yeah right. But then one day, I found this picture of her from when she was seven or eight, in second grade, and let me tell you, that girl could have put away my brother. In the picture, she's wearing this red corduroy dress and a sombrero, and she's eating some Mexican food at some second grade festival thing. She's just as happy as ever, stuffing her face. I laughed for about ten hours when I saw that picture. The best thing about my sister is that she's not embarrassed by her fatness at that age; it's like she embraces it and laughs at it too. When I asked her how she got skinny, she just said, "Oh. I went on Ritalin." I mean, you have to laugh at that.
Oh man! I can't believe I forgot about this. Forget about that being the best thing about my sister. The best thing about my sister is her infamous gift-giving. My sister has this ability to make everyone feel like they need to appreciate her, and making fun of her is just too mean. Like when she played the violin, she sucked, but if you said it, she would act like you really hurt her. (On second thought, maybe it would hurt a little fourth-grader to tell her that she has no musical talent whatsoever. The only funny thing really is that she once tried to play the flute but failed, and I am convinced that her buck teeth were the cause of her flute downfall.) She'd also do tap dancing, and once she fell flat on her face and acted like she wasn't crying because of hte pain, but because I was laughing at her. Riiiight. But my father ate it right up and I got in trouble. Anyway, back to my sister's gift giving. I swear, not even Maggie and Amanda, who buy their gifts at CVS, are this bad. On any holiday, like five minutes before we were about to exchange gifts, my sister would go into her room and rummage through her crap. She would find some random piece of trash she no longer wanted, and she'd bring it downstairs and present it to the poor person and be like, "I made this for you," or "I thought of you when I saw this."
The girl once gave me a half-used bottle of nail polish. I'm not even exaggerating. And if you looked at it at all like, "hey, wasn't this your old keychain?" she would get very offended and claim that she had really thought about her gift. My father was a complete sucker for this crap. She once gave him a piece of posterboard cut up and said it was a bookmark she'd made especially for him. Little did he know that it was lining the bottom of her desk drawer about two minutes before he received it. But she would have these big ceremonies and act like she was giving the best gift EVER. That girl owes me at least like fifteen birthday presents.
It's too bad, because she is a pretty funny person, but I can't really think of what else she did that's hysterical. Most of the time she's doing stuff or reminding me of stuff and I'm falling off my chair laughing at her. Just last break, she had me laughing so hard that I choked and water came like shooting out of my nose. Gross, yes, but worth it. I wrote this entry because my sister commented that she wasn't in my "For Real" post. She wasn't all that happy that she wasn't included in it. And though I originally defended it by saying that that post was strictly for my friends, the truth is, my sister (and my brother, for that matter - and I'll write something about him tomorrow or so), is absolutely part of what makes my life so good and so funny. I mean, when I think back, I can't imagine having to sit through family dinners and holidays without her - we spend the whole time just making fun of everyone (my Aunt Bev is an especially fun and easy target). So that's it. She goes along with my jokes, she won't sell me out, and she'll make me laugh. What a great combination. Seriously. Go back, read that again. That's what I love about her, those three things. Those three qualities are real special. She's got them, and I get to reap the benefits. I love it.
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