Random End of the Week Notes
I was sitting in the lunch room the other day and my buddy Joe was eating across from me. He was talking seriously about how he loves to eat oranges because of the smell they leave behind on your hands. Now, if you know me well, you know that I absolutely hate that smell and though I do like oranges, I hardly ever eat them just to avoid having the smell left on my hands. So I tell Joe that, and he's like, "really?" and as I'm saying yes, he gets an especially juicy bit stripped away and... bam! a whole bunch of it sprays all over my hand. Yeah, just like that. It was one of those days.
I don't have good luck with librarians, which makes me approach every librarian a little skeptically. Like, I am always shocked when they are just these nice ladies. I think it goes back to my elementary school librarian. This lady was a total beast. She was older than the Native American painted on the front of the school, probably, and she would always yell in this gravely voice when you came in, "Where's your book? Your book's overdue," as though that was going to be your pink slip to hell. Imagine being a fourth-grader just trying to read up on dinosaurs or whatever, and you've got this geriatric ogre to deal with. And don't even think anybody else was much help. The head librarian was deaf, which she promoted like some daily deaf awareness parade of something, so she always just shook her head and said she couldn't hear what was going on. Probably how she hired this cackling nutjob. Anyway, I heard that this woman died a few years back. I hope she took all her stupid books with her.
She was probably a nice lady outside of school, but I can't picture it. Even later on, in high school, I didn't have good librarians. They were always telling everyone to shut up and sit down even if you already were doing both. Once, they told me I owed $75.00 on overdue books, even though I found the books and showed them that I had never taken them out. See, the myth is that people think librarians have to be smart. The truth is, they just have to be miserable people. I think that must be a required course: How To Be A Miserable Mean Spirited Dictator. Seriously, all the librarians I've had could've taught that course.
I was just thinking that I didn't have any male librarians, and how only a total mess-up would be a male librarian. Then I remembered that my old English teacher became a librarian. This doesn't surprise me, and even supports my case further. The guy was a total freak. I had him in middle school, and once these three guys were all comparing... sizes, and he muttered under his breath, "THAT award would go to me," which made all of us want to puke. He also told us that the lead in Kenneth Branaugh's "Much Ado About Nothing," was the hottest actress ever. As one of my classmates tactfully pointed out (this guy had serious mental issues - he was the kid who did the science experiment in 10th grade about the components of human gas and made the entire class smell like death), "Hey, Mister, how come whenever Hero comes on the screen you get all red in the face and leave for a few minutes?" I'm telling you if this was happening now, he probably would be fired or something. But instead he's in the library. Makes total sense to me.
This kid in my class looks like a total toad and is a self-important arrogant jerk. Normally I would say that I want to punch him in the face, but the thought of having to have any contact with him whatsoever makes me want to be physically sick. Ugh gross. I'm seriously grossing myself out just thinking about his face. Completely disgusting, and yet he thinks he is the single greatest gift to humanity. Let me tell you, if he's a gift, I want to know what we all did wrong.
I don't have good luck with librarians, which makes me approach every librarian a little skeptically. Like, I am always shocked when they are just these nice ladies. I think it goes back to my elementary school librarian. This lady was a total beast. She was older than the Native American painted on the front of the school, probably, and she would always yell in this gravely voice when you came in, "Where's your book? Your book's overdue," as though that was going to be your pink slip to hell. Imagine being a fourth-grader just trying to read up on dinosaurs or whatever, and you've got this geriatric ogre to deal with. And don't even think anybody else was much help. The head librarian was deaf, which she promoted like some daily deaf awareness parade of something, so she always just shook her head and said she couldn't hear what was going on. Probably how she hired this cackling nutjob. Anyway, I heard that this woman died a few years back. I hope she took all her stupid books with her.
She was probably a nice lady outside of school, but I can't picture it. Even later on, in high school, I didn't have good librarians. They were always telling everyone to shut up and sit down even if you already were doing both. Once, they told me I owed $75.00 on overdue books, even though I found the books and showed them that I had never taken them out. See, the myth is that people think librarians have to be smart. The truth is, they just have to be miserable people. I think that must be a required course: How To Be A Miserable Mean Spirited Dictator. Seriously, all the librarians I've had could've taught that course.
I was just thinking that I didn't have any male librarians, and how only a total mess-up would be a male librarian. Then I remembered that my old English teacher became a librarian. This doesn't surprise me, and even supports my case further. The guy was a total freak. I had him in middle school, and once these three guys were all comparing... sizes, and he muttered under his breath, "THAT award would go to me," which made all of us want to puke. He also told us that the lead in Kenneth Branaugh's "Much Ado About Nothing," was the hottest actress ever. As one of my classmates tactfully pointed out (this guy had serious mental issues - he was the kid who did the science experiment in 10th grade about the components of human gas and made the entire class smell like death), "Hey, Mister, how come whenever Hero comes on the screen you get all red in the face and leave for a few minutes?" I'm telling you if this was happening now, he probably would be fired or something. But instead he's in the library. Makes total sense to me.
This kid in my class looks like a total toad and is a self-important arrogant jerk. Normally I would say that I want to punch him in the face, but the thought of having to have any contact with him whatsoever makes me want to be physically sick. Ugh gross. I'm seriously grossing myself out just thinking about his face. Completely disgusting, and yet he thinks he is the single greatest gift to humanity. Let me tell you, if he's a gift, I want to know what we all did wrong.
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