Top 10 Ways I Know I'm Going to Hell
1. I laugh at my Aunt Beverly, without feeling guilty. (Maybe just a little.) I laugh when she feels like a moron, like the time that my grandmother made her look like an idiot in front of the entire family at a Chinese restaurant. Here's the story: my grandmother got my aunt's husband a Christmas gift a few years back. So on Christmas, they go to open presents, and her husband tells her he wants a divorce. So, granted, that's not the best thing to say on Christmas morning, and so she's allowed some pity points. But then, she goes and STILL gives the man the present my grandmother got him for Christmas. (reason to laugh/feel bad number one) So, like a month later, we're all sitting at this Chinese restaurant and my grandmother asks about the sweater she got him. My grandmother, Miss Sensitivity, wants it back, so she can return it to probably Filene's Basement and get her $7.99 back. I'm not even joking. So she asks Bev for it, and Bev says, "I gave it to him." So in front of like ten of us, my grandmother goes, "What were you thinking?!" And Bev starts to talk, and she begins, "Well, I wasn't thinking..." and then my grandmother interrupts her and yells, "No! No you weren't thinking AT ALL!" Come on, you have to laugh at a situation like that.
I also laughed when I found out that my aunt's bird flew away on her, after she took it to the beach.
Let me say that again: She took. a bird. to the beach. Whatever happened to just taking a good book?
2. I didn't give the Anakara delivery guy a tip. I hate not giving tips, but he was ridiculous. I ordered my dinner at 10 PM, a vegetable wrap. And at 11:30, when it arrived, I said to the guy, "You know, I hate to complain, and I'm sure it's not your fault, but I ordered dinner over an hour ago." And he goes, "What do you want me to do about it?" in this totally rude tone, and so I didn't give him a tip. Well, I did, because I didn't want the change back, but a tip of like 82 cents sucks. So I felt kind of bad. Until I went upstairs, opened my wrap, and found that I had paid $6.18 for a circle of dough, some lettuce, two tomatoes, half an onion, and two cucumbers. I hate Ankara Cafe. And I hate how they answer the phone too.
3. This morning, I was walking into the bathroom and the door swung open and hit the cleaning lady, and she yelled at me. She said, "That was thoughtless," and I said, "I'm sorry, but it wasn't thoughtless," which could be taken as though I was either a. saying sorry and then adding that it was not thoughtless, or b. me just correcting her. I think she took it like b., even though I (really do think I) meant a., but I didn't say anything further. I probably shouldn't have even commented on the "thoughtless" discrepancy because English isn't her first language, but I did. And, I kind of hope she gets a bump.
4. At Sox games, the security guys and I pick out the White Trash families. On hot days, we try to locate the sweatiest person.
5. At Towers, the mailroom puts out all the magazines that weren't forwarded to summer addresses in this huge bin. As I was coming in, I saw the employee put a pile in the bin, with InStyle on top. So I walked over to the bin, and started taking the InStyle. Then I hear someone go, "Oh! I've been waiting all week for that InStyle!" And I just pretended not to hear her.
6. I told an eleven-year-old last night that Nomar is now with the Cubs. The parents explained to me that they had told their son that Nomar was coming back at some point, and I said, "Well, I guess if he still believes in Santa, he can still believe in Nomar." And the kid goes, "What about Santa?"
7. I went to a birthday party and moved a nursery school sign from the front of a store. Although I didn't handle the sign myself, I also am employing a pretty loose definition of the word "moved" in that sentence.
8. If I go to a place with a bench, and there's some mysterious looking stuff on one end of the bench, I take the good part and make my friend sit on the bad part.
9. I've never read "Uncle Tom's Cabin," even though it's been assigned like five times to me, and I won't ever read it. It's not because I'm pro-slavery or anti-Harriet Beecher Stowe. It was just that at the time it was assigned, I was pretty upset with the professor for assigning a 500 page book for two days, and I made that my "statement book," meaning that I would refuse to read it. I think everyone deserves a "statement book," but I think the fact that I picked "Uncle Tom's Cabin" as mine makes it necessary to end up on this list.
10. Last night, while working the Sox game, I was in charge of Gate A before the game started. So this guy comes over to me and he has his kid brother with him. The brother is in a heavy-duty wheelchair, with a mask over his face, braces everywhere. The kid is in rough shape. And the guy points to his brother in the wheelchair and says to me, "Hi. I have a ticket, but my brother here, he doesn't have a ticket. Can you let us in?"
And I said no.
I also laughed when I found out that my aunt's bird flew away on her, after she took it to the beach.
Let me say that again: She took. a bird. to the beach. Whatever happened to just taking a good book?
2. I didn't give the Anakara delivery guy a tip. I hate not giving tips, but he was ridiculous. I ordered my dinner at 10 PM, a vegetable wrap. And at 11:30, when it arrived, I said to the guy, "You know, I hate to complain, and I'm sure it's not your fault, but I ordered dinner over an hour ago." And he goes, "What do you want me to do about it?" in this totally rude tone, and so I didn't give him a tip. Well, I did, because I didn't want the change back, but a tip of like 82 cents sucks. So I felt kind of bad. Until I went upstairs, opened my wrap, and found that I had paid $6.18 for a circle of dough, some lettuce, two tomatoes, half an onion, and two cucumbers. I hate Ankara Cafe. And I hate how they answer the phone too.
3. This morning, I was walking into the bathroom and the door swung open and hit the cleaning lady, and she yelled at me. She said, "That was thoughtless," and I said, "I'm sorry, but it wasn't thoughtless," which could be taken as though I was either a. saying sorry and then adding that it was not thoughtless, or b. me just correcting her. I think she took it like b., even though I (really do think I) meant a., but I didn't say anything further. I probably shouldn't have even commented on the "thoughtless" discrepancy because English isn't her first language, but I did. And, I kind of hope she gets a bump.
4. At Sox games, the security guys and I pick out the White Trash families. On hot days, we try to locate the sweatiest person.
5. At Towers, the mailroom puts out all the magazines that weren't forwarded to summer addresses in this huge bin. As I was coming in, I saw the employee put a pile in the bin, with InStyle on top. So I walked over to the bin, and started taking the InStyle. Then I hear someone go, "Oh! I've been waiting all week for that InStyle!" And I just pretended not to hear her.
6. I told an eleven-year-old last night that Nomar is now with the Cubs. The parents explained to me that they had told their son that Nomar was coming back at some point, and I said, "Well, I guess if he still believes in Santa, he can still believe in Nomar." And the kid goes, "What about Santa?"
7. I went to a birthday party and moved a nursery school sign from the front of a store. Although I didn't handle the sign myself, I also am employing a pretty loose definition of the word "moved" in that sentence.
8. If I go to a place with a bench, and there's some mysterious looking stuff on one end of the bench, I take the good part and make my friend sit on the bad part.
9. I've never read "Uncle Tom's Cabin," even though it's been assigned like five times to me, and I won't ever read it. It's not because I'm pro-slavery or anti-Harriet Beecher Stowe. It was just that at the time it was assigned, I was pretty upset with the professor for assigning a 500 page book for two days, and I made that my "statement book," meaning that I would refuse to read it. I think everyone deserves a "statement book," but I think the fact that I picked "Uncle Tom's Cabin" as mine makes it necessary to end up on this list.
10. Last night, while working the Sox game, I was in charge of Gate A before the game started. So this guy comes over to me and he has his kid brother with him. The brother is in a heavy-duty wheelchair, with a mask over his face, braces everywhere. The kid is in rough shape. And the guy points to his brother in the wheelchair and says to me, "Hi. I have a ticket, but my brother here, he doesn't have a ticket. Can you let us in?"
And I said no.
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