You got like, three feet of air that time.
If you ever think that death is too good for someone, put them in Dean Dee's class. I walked by today and she's sitting across from four students, who did god knows what to end up in that classroom with her. She's actually talking n her whispery-smile-pasted-onto-my-face voice. I would want to die. Anytime that I think I'm having a bad time anywhere, I'm just going to imagine myself in that classroom and I bet I will feel better instantly.
My buddy Dan and I have a pretty good time together, when we lived in Warren Towers. He lived directly above me, so whenever we'd want to play cards or avoid work, he would just stomp on the floor and pieces of my ceiling would fall down, and I'd know that it was game time. I beat him a few times at cards. I think he might have beaten me once or twice. I don't really remember. Anyhow, one night, it had been snowing like crazy and he decided he was hungry. Or bored. Possibly both. I was just looking to avoid James Joyce. So we went to Campco, in the snow. He was wearing these slide things without socks. In the snow. The DRIVING snow. (What's up with that phrase?) We get to Campco, and it's around 10:30. So he decides he wants to make a pizza. One of those Celeste numbers. But he needs an oven, so he decides to call Kim Santo, our hall director. Great idea. 10:30, she's got work tomorrow, normal people are going to bed soon and winding down, and Dan and I are in Campco, figuring out how to make him a gourmet meal. We decide to just call Kim. She answers, and I didn't talk to her, so I have no idea what she said, but Dan just kept saying, "Are you sure?" And then he said it was a go. So we decided to get the pizza. And then I thought, you know, we are going to her house at 10:30 at night (ok, her large dorm room/apartment) and we should bring her something to say thank you. How about... an Entenmann's cake? So then we decided that it was a good idea, because Dan could then have pizza and cake, and Kim could have cake, and we could all have cake and be happy.
That was the plan. Then we got a little sidetracked talking to people in Warren when we got back, and we finally made it to Kim's at 10:50. She opens the door, half asleep. I am not even exaggerating when I say that she was rubbing her eyes open when she greeted us. Dan, oblivious, walks in and starts heading towards the kitchen. I look at Kim and decide this is not a good idea, and we have to leave like five minutes ago in order to avoid any further embarrassment. Kim's in her pajamas, she's already been asleep. This all says to me: go back, or die. Well, sort of. So Kim is really reluctant at this point, but she wants to be all nice. Dan's setting the oven. He is in there. He can smell his frozen pizza and taste the cake. And then I do it. I can't stand the awkwardness in the room, the feeling that we HAVE TO LEAVE NOW. So I blurt out, "Sorry Kim, we're leaving, we are going now, it is time to go, you go to bed, sorry, we are losers, dinosaurs!, oh my god, I can't believe we're interrupting you, we are so sorry, we are losers, here is cake, bye." And with that, I shove the cake into Kim's hands, and she kinda nods at me, looking at me like I am a FREAK and Dan and I leave. We get into the stairwell, and Dan has a frozen pizza with him. He looks at me and shakes his head and yelps, in that bewildered tone he has,"What are you DOING?" He was not very happy with me, and I'm pretty sure he thinks I cost him his pizza. We're in the stairwell, not moving for a second, not sure what to do next, and then it hits him, and I think his anger level skyrocketed at that point. "You gave her the cake, too!" Silence on my part. "You MORON!" The thing is, Dan, like me, cannot keep a straight face when yelling. So he's yelling in the stairwell, and he's half laughing at the same time, so it wasn't that scary. He just started walking downstairs, mumbling to himself about how much of a freak I am and how much of a moron I was to just hand off the cake, his one shot at food for the night. So it's now around 11:00, and we decide the only way to fix the situation is to go buy another cake for him. So we do. We go back to Campco, and we buy another replica cake, and the cashier looks at us like we are freaks (which, at that point, one of us admittedly was) and then we go back upstairs, play some cards, and eat like two bites of the stupid thing. I took the cake back to my room with me and gave it to my residents to finish. I thought that was okay until the next night when we were playing cards and Dan asked, "Hey, where's that cake?"
To this day, I cannot look at an Entenmann's cake without laughing. And the thing is, "to this day" really isn't appropriate there because it only happened a few months ago. Maybe in a year, I'll look at an Entenmann's cake and not laugh at all. Although that would kind of make me sad, because it is one of the funnier memories I have.
I got in trouble a couple times when I was an RA. Not real trouble. Fake trouble. When we did move-in last fall, I was put on ID card duty. That meant that I would distribute the student IDs to the kids as they came in. It was a pretty boring task until I started to have some fun with it. It seemed like every single person who came by would say, "Ugh... my ID. I look like shit in that picture." And they all really looked fine. Except for a couple. But what I decided to do was, after the kid would say that, I would take the ID out, hold it up, squint at it, and go, "Ugh. You're right" and hand it to them. Then I would just start laughing and say I was totally joking, that the picture was fine. I was having a great time with this. Until one of the supervisors pulled me off that duty, because my sense of humor didn't really mesh. But even he was laughing. And, for the most part, the kids found it pertty funny too. Ironically, the only ones who didn't laugh were the girls who were the prettiest, and who looked the best in their picture. People are strange.
Also, I feel like this is a good spot to bring up some of the funnier ideas we've had this past summer. Dan, John, Stef and I were coming back from Napoleon Dynamite and we were coming up with some hum-DINGERS (say it, with the accent, all emphatic, and you have a winner there) for what to say to kids. Say your kid is fat.
You say to him, (and yell this, please), "Listen, you load, you are WALKING home from the restaurant tonight. Do you hear me? Your skinny brother can ride in the fron seat."
Or, on a hundred degree day, "Get outside! I don't care that you are in a sweatsuit! Jog in place. NOW! Faster. Sweat off a few pounds, porky!"
Some staples:
"No dessert for you!"
"Your brother can eat that, but you can't!"
"Walk FASTER!"
"Go throw that back up!"
At a baseball game: "How could you have missed that ball? What are you, blind?" (Screaming in the middle of the field)
"You better get a hit! You better get a hit! You better get a hit!"
"We love your brother better because he got a hit."
"What are you, handicapped?!"
In general: "Life was so much better before we had you."
"Yeah, you were pretty much an accident."
"RUN!"
"Man, we really hate you."
The list goes on. Credit to John Innes, Dan Reverri, and Stefanie Rydstrom for coming up with the above list. If you ever talk to Dan or John, get them to start on their rants. You seriously will fall out of your chair. If you're standing, you'll have to stop walking because you'll just die. Umm okay, I don't really know about that, but ask anyhow. Genius stuff there. Or, as Dan said, "I might just punch my kid randomly, just to confuse them." Can you imagine the kid? You'd walk up to him and he'd immediately be like, "Don't hit me!" "Make it stop!" "I didn't eat the donuts!" Oh man. I'm kind of thinking that if I find this funny, it's not a good thing.
I think I might be a disgrace to anybody who writes one of these things and takes them seriously with all of their deepest inner thoughts.
I talked about "Passions" yesterday. That has to be the worst acting on TV, aside from Jerry Springer. Seriously. Those folks are horrible. And you know, Luis has been after Sheridan for at least five years, and she's had ten billion comas. After a while, wouldn't the doctor just be like, "Ehh, just forget it" and give up? Maybe this is why I'm not going into medicine. Oh, and then there's Eve and Julian. Julian gives me the creeps, but at least that's one story line that got going finally. Oh, and one day, after not watching for like a year, I turned it on and Ivy was in a wheelchair. That made me burst out laughing for a good ten minutes. Not because wheelchairs are funny matters. Also, I don't know what happened to Grace and Sam, who told each other in every other sentence how much they loved the other. And Charity and Miguel, they had issues because Charity had these supernatural powers and she was a freak. And then there's Antonio, Miguel and Luis's older brother who stole Sheridan. I really think it's a bad show when the three hispanic guys are named Antonio, Miguel, and Luis. Really. What did they, go to Taco Bell and ask for suggestions? Anyhow, I also love the trademark Spanish accent that their mother has. I can't remember her name. Oh, they also have a sister Teresa. Anyhow, the mother was like some maid, and now she's rich and one of them, somehow, I don't really remember. Anyway, she'll talk without an accent and then suddenly she'll say Luis and she'll sound like she's in Mexico. Quality proramming. QUAL-ITY.
Does anybody remember the show "Sisters"? When I was little, I loved that show. I would watch it religiously. They showed reruns on lifetime. I remember that's when I first loved George Clooney, who ended up marrying Teddy and then getting blown up in his car. That was so sad. They had these stupid flashbacks that ruined the show though, when they'd have these little kids remember what it was like back in their childhood. Who needs that sentimental crap? At one point, Ashley Judd was on there. That had to be a low point for her. But the show was pretty popular. I remember one season though when John Whitsig, Georgie's husband, decided not to work and he just sat around in his bathrobe and became a popular singer. Yeah, that was realistic.
I don't know why I watch so much crap on TV, but I do. And I did. And it's been great. You know which show I could never get into though, was "Perfect Strangers." I hated that stupid show with Balki and Larry and Jennifer and Jennifer's stupid sister. What a dumb show. I hated all of them. I also never liked "Family Matters." Except for this one episode, when Carl feels guilty about not being able to save this guy who went to the convenience store for some ice cream and wound up dying. It is a very moving episode, at the end, when Carl goes to the grave and the widow comes over and talks to him. And Carl says he's sorry, and he kinda breaks down and the widow tells him that it's not his fault, that she feels guilty too because she was the one who wanted him to go get ice cream, and he did, and he died, and so it's really nobody's fault. Well, actually, it's both of their faults, but for an 8:30 PM show, it's nobody's fault, shit happens. Regardless of blame, it was a very good episode. But in general, I didn't like it. I hated Urkel. And when he became Stephan Urkell or whatever he became, I was like, "riiiight." And Laura wasn't that great, he should have given up. Didn't he have a girlfriend, Janine? And also, a major flaw of the show was that Carl and the wife (what was her name?) originally had three kids: Eddie, Laura, and Jeannie (Name?) and then suddenly, Jeannie or whoever disappeared. That was a pretty nice touch. And also, Aunt Rachel or whoever thought she was pretty great, but how great can you be when you have that stupid little brat Ricky running around, no husband, and you're living in your sister's basement?
You've heard my rant on Full House. TV is the only place where it can even be considered cool to live with your ENTIRE family and have only one bathroom. PS, sad as it is, it JUST hit me that was the meaning of "Full House," the title of the show. God that is embarrassing. It is tough to be embarrassed in front of yourself. I said that before, and the truth remains.
The other day, one of my bosses her got tired of dealing with this student who was driving everyone insane with all of her phone calls to the office. So we were looking at her file, and she started to draw a mustache on the girl's picture sent from the testing site. Not obvious, so it was perfect. It looks like the testing center messed up and she has a line or mark right above her lip. Awesome. It really made my afternoon.
A few epilogue notes on Nomar:
- Read Bill Simmons. He brought up a good point: not one teammate has come to the defense of Nomar. Not one teammate has said he'll miss Nomar. Interesting.
- Read Bob Ryan. He says you'll never know, the truth is somewhere between what Nomar says and what management says.
- I think the question is: Was Nomar's future in Boston doomed after he would not accept the $60 million offer, or was Nomar's future in Boston doomed after Epstein went after A-Rod, in "response" to Nomar's rejection? As Bob Ryan says, you'll never know. And maybe that hurts the most, but I think the only way to move on is to just do it. The end.
My buddy Dan and I have a pretty good time together, when we lived in Warren Towers. He lived directly above me, so whenever we'd want to play cards or avoid work, he would just stomp on the floor and pieces of my ceiling would fall down, and I'd know that it was game time. I beat him a few times at cards. I think he might have beaten me once or twice. I don't really remember. Anyhow, one night, it had been snowing like crazy and he decided he was hungry. Or bored. Possibly both. I was just looking to avoid James Joyce. So we went to Campco, in the snow. He was wearing these slide things without socks. In the snow. The DRIVING snow. (What's up with that phrase?) We get to Campco, and it's around 10:30. So he decides he wants to make a pizza. One of those Celeste numbers. But he needs an oven, so he decides to call Kim Santo, our hall director. Great idea. 10:30, she's got work tomorrow, normal people are going to bed soon and winding down, and Dan and I are in Campco, figuring out how to make him a gourmet meal. We decide to just call Kim. She answers, and I didn't talk to her, so I have no idea what she said, but Dan just kept saying, "Are you sure?" And then he said it was a go. So we decided to get the pizza. And then I thought, you know, we are going to her house at 10:30 at night (ok, her large dorm room/apartment) and we should bring her something to say thank you. How about... an Entenmann's cake? So then we decided that it was a good idea, because Dan could then have pizza and cake, and Kim could have cake, and we could all have cake and be happy.
That was the plan. Then we got a little sidetracked talking to people in Warren when we got back, and we finally made it to Kim's at 10:50. She opens the door, half asleep. I am not even exaggerating when I say that she was rubbing her eyes open when she greeted us. Dan, oblivious, walks in and starts heading towards the kitchen. I look at Kim and decide this is not a good idea, and we have to leave like five minutes ago in order to avoid any further embarrassment. Kim's in her pajamas, she's already been asleep. This all says to me: go back, or die. Well, sort of. So Kim is really reluctant at this point, but she wants to be all nice. Dan's setting the oven. He is in there. He can smell his frozen pizza and taste the cake. And then I do it. I can't stand the awkwardness in the room, the feeling that we HAVE TO LEAVE NOW. So I blurt out, "Sorry Kim, we're leaving, we are going now, it is time to go, you go to bed, sorry, we are losers, dinosaurs!, oh my god, I can't believe we're interrupting you, we are so sorry, we are losers, here is cake, bye." And with that, I shove the cake into Kim's hands, and she kinda nods at me, looking at me like I am a FREAK and Dan and I leave. We get into the stairwell, and Dan has a frozen pizza with him. He looks at me and shakes his head and yelps, in that bewildered tone he has,"What are you DOING?" He was not very happy with me, and I'm pretty sure he thinks I cost him his pizza. We're in the stairwell, not moving for a second, not sure what to do next, and then it hits him, and I think his anger level skyrocketed at that point. "You gave her the cake, too!" Silence on my part. "You MORON!" The thing is, Dan, like me, cannot keep a straight face when yelling. So he's yelling in the stairwell, and he's half laughing at the same time, so it wasn't that scary. He just started walking downstairs, mumbling to himself about how much of a freak I am and how much of a moron I was to just hand off the cake, his one shot at food for the night. So it's now around 11:00, and we decide the only way to fix the situation is to go buy another cake for him. So we do. We go back to Campco, and we buy another replica cake, and the cashier looks at us like we are freaks (which, at that point, one of us admittedly was) and then we go back upstairs, play some cards, and eat like two bites of the stupid thing. I took the cake back to my room with me and gave it to my residents to finish. I thought that was okay until the next night when we were playing cards and Dan asked, "Hey, where's that cake?"
To this day, I cannot look at an Entenmann's cake without laughing. And the thing is, "to this day" really isn't appropriate there because it only happened a few months ago. Maybe in a year, I'll look at an Entenmann's cake and not laugh at all. Although that would kind of make me sad, because it is one of the funnier memories I have.
I got in trouble a couple times when I was an RA. Not real trouble. Fake trouble. When we did move-in last fall, I was put on ID card duty. That meant that I would distribute the student IDs to the kids as they came in. It was a pretty boring task until I started to have some fun with it. It seemed like every single person who came by would say, "Ugh... my ID. I look like shit in that picture." And they all really looked fine. Except for a couple. But what I decided to do was, after the kid would say that, I would take the ID out, hold it up, squint at it, and go, "Ugh. You're right" and hand it to them. Then I would just start laughing and say I was totally joking, that the picture was fine. I was having a great time with this. Until one of the supervisors pulled me off that duty, because my sense of humor didn't really mesh. But even he was laughing. And, for the most part, the kids found it pertty funny too. Ironically, the only ones who didn't laugh were the girls who were the prettiest, and who looked the best in their picture. People are strange.
Also, I feel like this is a good spot to bring up some of the funnier ideas we've had this past summer. Dan, John, Stef and I were coming back from Napoleon Dynamite and we were coming up with some hum-DINGERS (say it, with the accent, all emphatic, and you have a winner there) for what to say to kids. Say your kid is fat.
You say to him, (and yell this, please), "Listen, you load, you are WALKING home from the restaurant tonight. Do you hear me? Your skinny brother can ride in the fron seat."
Or, on a hundred degree day, "Get outside! I don't care that you are in a sweatsuit! Jog in place. NOW! Faster. Sweat off a few pounds, porky!"
Some staples:
"No dessert for you!"
"Your brother can eat that, but you can't!"
"Walk FASTER!"
"Go throw that back up!"
At a baseball game: "How could you have missed that ball? What are you, blind?" (Screaming in the middle of the field)
"You better get a hit! You better get a hit! You better get a hit!"
"We love your brother better because he got a hit."
"What are you, handicapped?!"
In general: "Life was so much better before we had you."
"Yeah, you were pretty much an accident."
"RUN!"
"Man, we really hate you."
The list goes on. Credit to John Innes, Dan Reverri, and Stefanie Rydstrom for coming up with the above list. If you ever talk to Dan or John, get them to start on their rants. You seriously will fall out of your chair. If you're standing, you'll have to stop walking because you'll just die. Umm okay, I don't really know about that, but ask anyhow. Genius stuff there. Or, as Dan said, "I might just punch my kid randomly, just to confuse them." Can you imagine the kid? You'd walk up to him and he'd immediately be like, "Don't hit me!" "Make it stop!" "I didn't eat the donuts!" Oh man. I'm kind of thinking that if I find this funny, it's not a good thing.
I think I might be a disgrace to anybody who writes one of these things and takes them seriously with all of their deepest inner thoughts.
I talked about "Passions" yesterday. That has to be the worst acting on TV, aside from Jerry Springer. Seriously. Those folks are horrible. And you know, Luis has been after Sheridan for at least five years, and she's had ten billion comas. After a while, wouldn't the doctor just be like, "Ehh, just forget it" and give up? Maybe this is why I'm not going into medicine. Oh, and then there's Eve and Julian. Julian gives me the creeps, but at least that's one story line that got going finally. Oh, and one day, after not watching for like a year, I turned it on and Ivy was in a wheelchair. That made me burst out laughing for a good ten minutes. Not because wheelchairs are funny matters. Also, I don't know what happened to Grace and Sam, who told each other in every other sentence how much they loved the other. And Charity and Miguel, they had issues because Charity had these supernatural powers and she was a freak. And then there's Antonio, Miguel and Luis's older brother who stole Sheridan. I really think it's a bad show when the three hispanic guys are named Antonio, Miguel, and Luis. Really. What did they, go to Taco Bell and ask for suggestions? Anyhow, I also love the trademark Spanish accent that their mother has. I can't remember her name. Oh, they also have a sister Teresa. Anyhow, the mother was like some maid, and now she's rich and one of them, somehow, I don't really remember. Anyway, she'll talk without an accent and then suddenly she'll say Luis and she'll sound like she's in Mexico. Quality proramming. QUAL-ITY.
Does anybody remember the show "Sisters"? When I was little, I loved that show. I would watch it religiously. They showed reruns on lifetime. I remember that's when I first loved George Clooney, who ended up marrying Teddy and then getting blown up in his car. That was so sad. They had these stupid flashbacks that ruined the show though, when they'd have these little kids remember what it was like back in their childhood. Who needs that sentimental crap? At one point, Ashley Judd was on there. That had to be a low point for her. But the show was pretty popular. I remember one season though when John Whitsig, Georgie's husband, decided not to work and he just sat around in his bathrobe and became a popular singer. Yeah, that was realistic.
I don't know why I watch so much crap on TV, but I do. And I did. And it's been great. You know which show I could never get into though, was "Perfect Strangers." I hated that stupid show with Balki and Larry and Jennifer and Jennifer's stupid sister. What a dumb show. I hated all of them. I also never liked "Family Matters." Except for this one episode, when Carl feels guilty about not being able to save this guy who went to the convenience store for some ice cream and wound up dying. It is a very moving episode, at the end, when Carl goes to the grave and the widow comes over and talks to him. And Carl says he's sorry, and he kinda breaks down and the widow tells him that it's not his fault, that she feels guilty too because she was the one who wanted him to go get ice cream, and he did, and he died, and so it's really nobody's fault. Well, actually, it's both of their faults, but for an 8:30 PM show, it's nobody's fault, shit happens. Regardless of blame, it was a very good episode. But in general, I didn't like it. I hated Urkel. And when he became Stephan Urkell or whatever he became, I was like, "riiiight." And Laura wasn't that great, he should have given up. Didn't he have a girlfriend, Janine? And also, a major flaw of the show was that Carl and the wife (what was her name?) originally had three kids: Eddie, Laura, and Jeannie (Name?) and then suddenly, Jeannie or whoever disappeared. That was a pretty nice touch. And also, Aunt Rachel or whoever thought she was pretty great, but how great can you be when you have that stupid little brat Ricky running around, no husband, and you're living in your sister's basement?
You've heard my rant on Full House. TV is the only place where it can even be considered cool to live with your ENTIRE family and have only one bathroom. PS, sad as it is, it JUST hit me that was the meaning of "Full House," the title of the show. God that is embarrassing. It is tough to be embarrassed in front of yourself. I said that before, and the truth remains.
The other day, one of my bosses her got tired of dealing with this student who was driving everyone insane with all of her phone calls to the office. So we were looking at her file, and she started to draw a mustache on the girl's picture sent from the testing site. Not obvious, so it was perfect. It looks like the testing center messed up and she has a line or mark right above her lip. Awesome. It really made my afternoon.
A few epilogue notes on Nomar:
- Read Bill Simmons. He brought up a good point: not one teammate has come to the defense of Nomar. Not one teammate has said he'll miss Nomar. Interesting.
- Read Bob Ryan. He says you'll never know, the truth is somewhere between what Nomar says and what management says.
- I think the question is: Was Nomar's future in Boston doomed after he would not accept the $60 million offer, or was Nomar's future in Boston doomed after Epstein went after A-Rod, in "response" to Nomar's rejection? As Bob Ryan says, you'll never know. And maybe that hurts the most, but I think the only way to move on is to just do it. The end.
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