Ketchup

Well, I finally made it to a Red Sox game at Fenway Park on my birthday. We were four rows from the field, and all was going great, until the Moron of the Century sat two rows ahead of us, in the seat directly two in front of me. I don't use that title lightly, either - the Moron of the Century award. But if someone's going to be that, then this is the girl. She was like 13 maybe, and she was there with her moronic father. I considered giving him the title, because I'm not sure you can hold a 13-year-old accountable for her behavior. But I changed my mind. She was too annoying. She stood up and yelled for the nearby water vendor at the beginning of the game. By yelled, I mean said in a whiny, but not loud at all voice. And when I say "nearby" I mean two sections and a hundred people away. Yeah. She's thinking this guy is going to hear her. She continued her futile pursuit for about two minutes, until my father yelled "WATER!" so loud that it freaked out me and the ten others around us. But it finally got this guy's attention and he came over and she got water. Do you think the girl turned around to say thank you? Well, I wouldn't either if you'd heard my father's tone. I laughed about it, but it was a little embarrassing. The eople around us had no problem with my dad yelling though. A couple thanked him. So we figured that the girl had her water, and she was all set. Nooooo. Then she wanted a hot dog. The same thing happened, except my dad didn't yell anything this time, she just had to sit there without her hot dog. Oh, and by sit I mean stand around waving her arms at a guy who was in the bleacher section. Okay, he was a little closer than that, but whatever. He wasn't hearing her. Finally, the people in back of her told her to sit down. Whenever a foul ball came anywhere near us, as in, landed somewhere in the park, she'd get up and wave her hands asking for the ball. You'd think that her father would tell her to stop, but no. You know, on second thought, I'm giving him Asshole of the Year award. I bet he knows his daughter is wicked annoying, and he was doing nothing to help anybody out. He was just sitting there. Then again, if I had to be around this girl every second, let alone claim her as a daughter, I might get tired of telling her to shut up to. I'd never stop talking. You know, I'm not going to give the guy a nasty title. I'm just going to feel sorry for him.

I think.

The Sox lost Wednesday night. If I had written this earlier, I'd be pretty upset at them. But I'm not because they had a pretty good weekend. More on that later. But I wanted to mention that they should have some new ideas for ESPN to show. They should really do highlights from the best non-game plays of the night. The peanut vendor in our section was amazing. If the stupid girl had wanted peanuts, the guy could have thrown them to her from the back of the bleachers. Seriously, he was amazing. He'd point at someone at the back of the grandstand almost, and from the field, he'd throw the peanuts - completely accurately. It was really impressive. He missed once, and my dad actually almost booed him, until he realized that he was about to boo a peanut vendor. That's how into it everyone got. Really. ESPN could really show some good stuff. I almost wanted to be friends with that peanut guy just so I could say I had a good friend who could throw peanuts really far.

I took this MTEL exam on Saturday. It's to get my certification as a real teacher. Sadly, I didn't really make any friends at the exam. When we got there, after walking through the rain in flip flops (I'm a moron), my jeans were already soaked, and I was not in a happy or really awake mood. Also, I hadn't opened the packet that came in the mail, so the people there were already a little put off I think that I wasn't taking their test seriously. But I was. I even had some unsharpened pencils with me. So we had to turn in our cell phones, which was fine, but at 8 am, I don't really want to get into a long conversation with some gym teacher's assistant about what calling plan I have, and do I really enjoy my phone? And do I download rings? And do I really care at all that your brother just bought the best phone ever and has the best rate and I should really find out more about it? No. So I was a little grumpy already. Okay, more than a little. So I went into the cafeteria to find my friend, after dropping off our phones. When I walked in, it was dead silent. And people look up because when it's silent, you can hear a door open and close, and so there I was, just standing there like a loser looking for my friend, who was waving at me like, "I'm over here, you loser." So I went over, and I sit down and say, "Wow, nobody's talking." Which was a pretty dumb thing to say, but whatever. And a lot of people heard that. Whatever. I had a VOGUE magazine which I took out to begin reading, when I saw the dork next to me (not my friend) had brought an MTEL book. Wait, correction. TWO MTEL books. Like those SAT study books. I thought that was pretty ridiculous. I don't know why. I just wasn't really taking this whole experience too seriously, until it dawned on me that if I don't pass, I have to go through the entire thing AGAIN. Then I stopped thinking she was so stupid and I read my test packet a little. Okay, not at all. I just read the VOGUE.

So we go to the test rooms, and because of the DNC, they had to delay the start of the test. You'd think they'd allow us to have our magazines and books out until they actually begin the test, but no. At 8 am, we had to put everything at the front of the room. We could only have pencils, erasers, and our IDs on our desks. I only had a pencil and an ID. Everyone else had like twenty pencils, ten erasers, and various forms of ID, so they were already at an advantage for things to do while we waited, but I was stuck. So I turned to the person next to me, who seemed like a friendly enough person, and I asked if she wanted to play thumb wars. I was half-kidding, but I definitely would have done it if she had said yes. She didn't say yes and I didn't ask anybody else based on the look she gave me. I'd be more embarrassed about it but she had mints on her desk and every two seconds during the test, she'd unwrap a mint so painstakingly slowly and loudly that I considered wasting my sharpened number two pencil by stabbing her just as slowly in both of her eyes. But then I remembered I'd have to come back and do this all over again, so I stopped.

But the experience didn't get any better. There was a girl in there who was having some serious gastro-intestinal issues, and I was trying to be mature about it. Or not at all. I was definitely giggling. What a stupid word. But I was trying to hold in my laugh, much as she was trying to hold in her issues, but whatever. She was about as successful as I was, which is to say not at all. I wasn't laughing loudly, but if you were to look around the room, you would have seen about fifteen people shifting uncomfortably, one person with her shoulders moving up and down, and one person redfaced and muscles clenched. It would probably be a pretty weird scene. Bottom line (hahaha): I hope I don't have to take this portion of the test ever, ever again. I really do. I don't know if I passed though. They had one reading comprehension passage about computers, which I think is a little unfair to do to people like me who freak out at the word. Oh well. I'll know in a month if I have to repeat the process.

So my brother solved the issue about Full House. I really appreciated the clarity he provided. Here's how it goes, and again, a big thank you to Michael, who was self-deprecating in his hints to me, which I always love. Uncle Jesse moved to the attic, the basement became a recording studio, Joey moved into his old room upstairs, Michelle moved into Stephanie's room (into Stephanie's bed, but before things could get a little PG-13, Stephanie moved into DJ's bed), and DJ moved into Michelle's old room. I can't believe I forgot about Michelle's room - and Michelle - in my calculations. About Michelle, by the way, it used to be a big deal that she was played by twins. I was actually a dumbo about it and thought that she was played by triples: Mary, Kate, and Ashley Olsen, but no, I was just being stupid. I actually argued about it with my neighbor, who was just like, "No, Elana, you are dumb," only a little nicer than that because she was a pretty nice girl. Okay, so anyhow, now every TV child is played by a twin. I bet the Olsens claim that in some way as part of their empire.

The Red Sox, by the way, provided this girl with a great weekend. I loved that fight. Wow, what a fight. Who goes after JASON VARITEK?? I mean, really. I know Yankees fans will say that A-Rod is the nicest guy, just like Varitek, and so we can't really know what happened. I will give them that. (Ok, Paul? I gave you that.) However, if you watch the tape, A-Rod CLEARLY provokes Varitek, pointing to himself like, "Come on, try this." And uhh, Varitek does. I love that picture with Varitek's hand in A-Rod's face. You know what I love the most about it? A-Rod looks like a loser. His pants are hiked up and his gold belt looks so ridiculous. Seriously, he looks like a geek.

Honestly, I'm not one who hates A-Rod. I realize that if he were with the Sox, he'd be the new hero in town. So I'm not going to start attacking his character or anything like that, and I don't think he's the only one to blame. But give me a break. Bronson Arroyo? Trying to hit Alex Rodriguez? I don't think so. Walk to first base, pal. Seriously. What a freak. And then Tanyon Sturtze? What's his deal? I love Shaughnessy saying that Kapler could bench press the tarp roll if he wanted to. But that's the thing. I've seen Kapler up close. The last person you'd ever come at is Gabe Kapler. The man will crush you. Add David Ortiz and Trot Nixon to the pile, and you're in serious trouble.

I will say that I'm pretty upset at Trot Nixon though. I really am conflicted about it though, because I really do respect him as a player so much. He's always known for toughing everything out, but why is he rushing into a pile-up that already had David Ortiz and Gabe Kapler outnumbering Taynon Sturtze? Now he's on the 15-day DL. Really. Did you see Jeter jumping into it? Absolutely not. The guy's hand is dying. This is not what the Sox need. Nixon has been great, and now look. He says it was an injury that happened before the whole fight, but if anybody believes that, they also believe that MK Olsen only has anorexia, not a drug addiction, even though the place she checked into is a drug rehab center.

I'm done with Mary Kate. Really.

So Trot is on the DL, and now Varitek's wrist hurts. At least he is honest about it and says that it happened during the fight. But I liked that he said that he would take any punishment that comes, because he will always protect a teammate. That's great. All's forgiven.

And then the Sox won two of the three, and in dramatic fashion Saturday, and so I just have to hope it continues. Although I still don't like Terry Francona.

Last night I was working at the game, and I was standing at the Gate A entrance for a minute. This guy tries to jump over the rope to get into Fenway. He does that, but he falls flat on his face and spills his beer. So he gets up right away and starts walking away, but I start calling after him. He goes outside to his friend and says to me, "I'm leaving, don't worry, I'm just getting my friend." He's definitely a litle wasted. And then his friend, Drunk #2, says "Whass the problem?" So I told him that I didn't know what the deal was, but his friend had to leave. Then he starts getting drunk close, which is the term used to describe someone who think he is really smooooth and desirable. He was good looking, but neither smooth nor desirable. So anyhow, I start walking with the guys toward the exit. I have to admit, they were both pretty funny and nice about it all, so I was trying to be serious and not laugh, and we all know how well that turns out. So the friend asks what he did again. So I get ready to tell him, once again, that I don't know what the problem is or why he left, but he can't stay because he jumped back over the turnstile rope and that's just not how it works. I start to talk and I tell him, "I'm sorry, I just really don't know why your friend left. But he left. And he jumped over -" And then the guy who came in illegally interrupts me, and says really matter-of-factly (like, that is the best use of that adverb ever), "FELL over." He said it like he was all insulted that I hadn't told his friend that he had fallen, and as though he was trying to make it known that he FELL. It aws really too much. I just started laughing and couldn't really control it. The guys left so it saved any further issues, but definitely the funniest drunk guy I've met.

I had a few weird dreams last night. I don't dream all that much. Once, the burrito lady at Warren Towers, Denise, was in my dream. Not because I wanted a burrito, but because she is such a nice lady and my friend Amanda would make fun of me for saying hi to her everyday. I don't know, but I just had to say hi when I saw that she would just be standing there, all day, making burrito after burrito while people just barked orders at her. So anyhow, she was in a dream one time. But last night, I dreamt that my sister was mad about something, like she wasn't being treated fairly and I was outraged at this. I felt like I had been shafted and I couldn't believe that she was angry, so I got really mad at her and when I woke up, I was a little mad at her, even though I don't know why. I saw "A Cinderella Story" this weekend, so I think somehow that got mixed up and I thought I was like the working Cinderella or something. I know it sounds really messed up, but I think that's where the dream came from.

Okay, yeah, that did sound really messed up.

I also dreamt that I met Bill Simmons. I keep seeing him with someone famous and I remember going up to him and telling him I loved him, but that's all I remember. I just remember Bill Simmons was there.

When I was younger and I'd wake up in the middle of the night, if I had trouble getting back to sleep I'd start to think I was seeing witches and stuff. I know, it is really messed up. Things would come in phases. First I'd think that there were bees flying around me. I knew as soon as I saw the bees, I was doomed. I'd see spiders then, and finally, for the grand finale, witches. I must have been one messed up child, to be thinking that. Boy. I don't even know why I am sharing this.

The title of this post is pretty lame, but I have to leave it. I feel compelled.