Nonsense
So last night our senior RA, Drinnan, left us with this air gun thing that has to be one of the coolest inventions ever. Second to only electricity. And possibly the internet. And the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. Oh and those knives that cut vegetables into shapes and stuff, like spirals and stars. One guy basically wrote his name in carrots. I don't know if it gets cooler than that, but if it does, this air gun might be that.
So my fellow RA on call and I decide to take the air gun on rounds with us. Man, was that fun. We knocked on some residents' doors, and then when they opened the door, BAM! there went the air gun. We almost killed another RA though, who basically shut the door after we smashed her with the air gun and we were pretty nervous that we gave her a heart attack or something, it was pretty scary. For about two minutes, I seriously considered the possibility that I had just committed involuntary manslaughter or something. Luckily, she was okay with it, after she started breathing again. So we had some fun with the whole air gun thing. We had a couple of close calls when I thought we were going to get in trouble because a few residents didn't laugh at first, but then they came around. You really can't argue with an air gun.
My aim was a little off though, which kind of messed up the whole thing.
Sometimes, I only got the top of somebody's head, rather than theif face. That really ruined the effect. For the most part though, it went well.
You know what you should never, ever wear? Socks with teva sandals. I'm not even going to go into why it's a bad idea.
So the Red Sox are getting me pretty mad. Seriously, this season sucks so far. My friend Paul wrote me an email that he signed "Go Oakland" because he thinks the Sox have already lost to the Yankees. This made me laugh for a while. I really thought that was clever. But anyway, he reminded me of the horribleness of the season. Don't even tell me horribleness isn't a word. I know. But the Sox are just dismal this year. Right now Manny Ramirez is driving me nuts. I know his average is astronomical right now, but seriously, what's with the hamstring injury? The guy didn't play the last game of the first half, then he plays in the all-star game, and since then, he's been DH-ing or not playing. And then he kids around about it and says there's no rush. Quote. "There's no rush." WHAT? Are the Sox not seven games back in the AL East? Are they not tied with Oakland for the wild card? Is Martha Stewart not contemplating how to accessorize a bright orange jumpsuit? Last I checked, things were not going along fine. The Sox basically have to concede the AL East (though I'm really not ready to), they are now talking about a wild card race between several teams (Mike Soscia will beat Terry Francona on his worst day) and Martha Stewart is headed to the big house. Big house, by the way, is her estate on Turkey Hill in Westport, Connecticut, because my guess is that if a woman can make a three-story gingerbread house from scratch while fixing the plumbing while feeding chickens while making her own straw basket, she can probably figure out a loophole in her legal case and keep herself out of jail. Bottom line: THERE IS A RUSH. It is outrageous to me that Manny doesn't think it's a big deal that he's out of a line up, especially now that freakin Rambo Ortiz is facing a suspension for throwing his bats onto the field. The umpire sucked in that situation, but why is he throwing bats onto the field? Really. Big Papi my ass.
Anyhow, I'm really not pleased with the Sox right now. Derek Lowe sucks.
I forgot to mention my favorite line of the week. Credit this weird guy on Jay Leno, doing a stint at the All Star media day. The guy goes up to Derek Jeter, who's talking to a bunch of sportswriters. He says to him, without even breaking a smile, "Would you rather be in the All Star Game or Mariah Carey?" That had to be the best line of the week. Had to.
Speaking of good lines, people have to go see the movie Napoleon Dynamite. Heck yes. The kid is such a freak. God I love it. His grandmother asks him how his day was, and he says, "It's the worst day of my LIFE." When a little kid on the bus asks him what he's going to do that day, he says with exasperation, "Whatever I want. Jeez." I'm really not communicating the pure comic genius of this movie, but I'm going to see it soon again, because I haven't laughed that much in so long. Let me know if you want to go. I will. His Uncle Rico is ridiculously funny too, and his brother Kip is so pathetic. Rico asks Kip if it's serious with his girlfriend, and Kip says, "Yes, it is pretty serious. We talk about two hours online a DAY." He also runs over some tupperware, which has to be one of the best movie moments in a while. And then there's Pedro. Oh I have to stop.
Did you know, by the way, that the entire state of Vermont is on the endangered list? I don't know if it's the endangered species list, because I don't know whether a state can be a species. But anyhow, I guess with all the commercialization of Vermont, the historical aspects are getting lost. Or endangered. So the whole state is on this list thing. That made me laugh for a long time. Not because I think endangered things are funny. Well, the dodo always got a good laugh when we were kids, but that's extinct. But I love panda bears, and they're endangered. Leave that to me. I'll always pick my favorite whatever to be on some messed up list. I love panda bears though. I will buy almost anything if it has a panda bear on it. I love panda bear stuffed animals. It's like I'm my crazy aunt with those stuffed animals. Only not even close, because she is a total whacko. But anyhow, Vermont is endangered. God that is funny. Let me tell you, I've been to Vermont (remember the post about the video?) I bet it's endangered. Nobody's going to go there anymore if they have experiences like mine. Unless they're like eight hundred years old and want to sit around a fire or something. Really. If you ever want to go to Vermont for a few days - and you're not going to ski, which is good there - just go to your basement, put some flannel blankets around the place, and bring a flashlight. For effect, you might want to bring a Bible, like they have in all hotel rooms. You should also bring a phone book, but there's no need to bring a phone because the power lines are down and no store is open past sundown. You can also have pretzels and soda, to be like the snacks from the vending machine you are forced to get after no stores are open for your late night adventures (late night = 10 pm). A TV adds to the whole experience as well. Basically, a basement with a tiny window facing your lawn plus the few extras is all you need. Save yourself the drive. You've got Vermont in your basement. I bet you didn't know that. Maybe next time Amanda and I will let you know how you can recreate New Hampshire in your attic.
I hope my disparaging remarks don't add to the endangered state of Vermont. Except the University of Vermont fans can be extinct for all I care. Really. I went to the America East basketball tournament last March to watch the whole thing, and the Vermont fans were ridiculous. Seriously. The place was packed with fans. And I'm not talking college kids. I'm not even talking senior citizens. I'm talking about 40 year olds, 50 year olds, people with no association to the school besides it being in their zipcode, and basically the entire endangered state was packed into Walter Brown Arena, all in green and yellow and acting like if their team won, it would really bring some pride to their state. Man. It's not like it's the NCAAs (Random UConn reference). And you know what the real kicker is? Vermont did win. And Vermont is STILL on the endangered list.
If I were 50 years old, I would be in love with Jay Leno.
So I read this book, the Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway. It was pretty good if you ask me. I thought it as about a totally different subject, which is pretty dumb because you can't get more straightforward than "The Old Man and the Sea."
I'm also reading "The Shining" after I lost a bet. I have to admit, I am a real scaredy cat. Really. It's pretty sad to be almost 21 and get as freaked out about things as I do. I've gotten over some of it, after living on my floor in Warren Towers or The Towers by myself. But people always reference it to the Shining, and I have to tell you, it can feel that way at times if you let it get to you. When I was staying in Warren, my dad came by and asked if it was like the Shining. So I said no, and then he was like, "Really? When you go out into the hall and nobody's there, you don't feel like the twin girls on those little bikes are going to ride right up to you? You don't feel like the elevators are going to turn to blood? Nobody's asking you to come play?" Yeah, Dad, thanks a lot. Really. After that, every time I left my room, I pictured those two psycho tikes on their stupid tricycles. Anyhow, I have to read the Shining now. And see the movie. I'll let you know how it goes. When I saw "The Ring," I almost died. That was the first movie that I actually considered leaving the theater for. Like I was sitting there, thinking about whether it would be better for me to sit in the hall and wait for my friends. God I was a freak. I watched the thing through my winter coat. I'm not even joking. I have yet to see the whole movie that the movie itself is based on. I saw the girl climb out of the TV though, and the vision of her face is enough to get me. My favorite thing though of the whole experience was when it was completely silent in the theater, this guy yelled out "Mommy!" Definitely worth the price of admission for that one.
I went to rent the movie "Field of Dreams" at Blockbuster last week. I hadn't seen it, and I figured I should. They only have VHS. Let me just say that this whole conversion thing from VHS to DVD is a lot more difficult than it seems. I bought all my favorite videos, and now I have to go back and get them on DVD. And all the videos are cheap. Like the Blockbuster Pre-viewed movies, those were the best deals going. And now I can't even take part.
I'm having a tough time at work. I am having difficulty maintaining my nice face when talking to morons on the phone. It's so bad. These people call up all timid and stuff, and I'm thinking, You are going to be a school counselor? Are they nuts? Seriously. The blind leading the blind. No offense to any blind people. And then there's this applicant who says that she is the Chinese Helen Keller. She's deaf and was born one hundred years and two days after Helen Keller, so she figures that she is HK re-incarnated. She has to be the most annoying person ever though, and she constantly calls with the most inane questions. She's not even really that close to Helen Keller because she's not blind. Maybe she should look up some details of her long-lost soulmate before she starts claiming to be the woman. I really have to resist the urge to ask her on the phone, "Do you know why Helen Keller's dog killed itself?" or "Do you know why Helen Keller was a bad driver?"
I am a horrible person.
Seriously though, people are morons. It kills me, the questions these people ask. And they go through their entire family history all the time with you, like you care that their uncle's best friend's cousin's girlfriend's nephew once also went to BU. And then they ask you if you know who he is, like he's this big man on campus. "Oh, you don't know Dave? He's real active in that chorus." OH! That chorus! RIGHT. Sorry, no clue who he is. Really? Let me say the name again, and let me give you the same exact description, because you must know him. After all, there are only 16,000 people at your school, and he's "real active" in a chorus!
Yeah.
Or how about this one:
Moron: "I'd like to find out about some of your programs at Boston College."
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, this is Boston University. If you're interested in information about BU, I'd be happy to mail you a bulletin."
Moron: "No, I'd like information about BC."
Me: "Okay. No problem, have a nice day."
Moron: "Wait, you're not going to send me information?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted information about BC."
Moron: "I do."
Me: "Riiight. This is BU, sir. We don't have information about BC."
Moron: "Why not?"
How do I make this clear to people? I mean really, without sounding totally rude and insulting, how do you do it?
Me: "Well, because we are Boston UNIVERSITY, not Boston COLLEGE, we only have information about BU. I'm sure that BC can provide you with a bulletin though."
Moron: "Are you telling me I have to make another phone call just to get a bulletin?"
Me: "Yes."
Moron: "Are you kidding me?"
Me: "No."
Moron: "Is this ridiculous, or is it just me?"
Is both a suitable answer to this question?
I just laughed kinda nicely and said I was sorry for the confusion, that it happens a lot, and I hoped that he had a nice day in Idiotville. Really.
When I was in elementary school, we had this award called the Good Citizen award. I got that award when I was in first grade, and I got this golden piece of paper and my mom took me to Toys R Us to get me a toy as a reward for being such a good citizen. I ended up buying this bear, and being the creative genius that I am, I named the pink bear Pinky. I've kept Pinky since. Really. It has become one of my most beloved posessions. If there were a fire, I think I might save Pinky before one of my siblings. That is a horrible horrible joke. But seriously, I'd take the bear with me. Pinky was great. Until my brother got mad at me one day and startd pulling out Pinky's stuffing through a tiny hole in her back. That was so mean to do. I was like 18 when he did it and I got really mad at him. Now you can punch Pinky's face in, because there's not that much stuffing. It's pretty sad.
Also, I have this other stuffed animal named Brownie. Yeah. He's brown. It's a Pound Puppy that my great-grandmother bought me. Those things have the saddest eyes ever. Go home and look at yours. I bet it's sad. I used to love Brownie when I was a kid. I would take that thing everywhere. This was long before Pinky came into the picture. I got Brownie when I was about two years old. I took him with me to the Westfarms mall and I left him there. Big mistake. My dad went back to get him, and they had put him in a display. When I was little, I thought that was the coolest story - my dog, famous in a display.
I was a messed up little kid.
I also had this doll, Jennifer. Jennifer was a beautiful baby doll. She looked like a real baby, only not ugly with a scrunched up face like the other realistic baby dolls were. She was like real-size, too. I really loved Jennifer. I was probably about seven. So I loved this doll. And then I saw this commercial for this other doll. Baby Wanna Walk. I became OBSESSED with getting Baby Wanna Walk. I begged my mother to buy me a Baby Wanna Walk. She told me I could trade in my Jennifer doll for Baby Wanna Walk. I had basically just bought Jennifer, so I could still return it to Toys R Us I guess. I don't remember all the details. So I said okay, great, that was fine. I probably used those words, I was such a wise-ass. So anyhow, my mom takes me to Toys R Us, and we had packed up Jennifer. My mom was so sad about it. I could tell she thought I was making the wrong decision. But I was set on having Baby Wanna Walk. She actually walked! I was so excited. So I traded her in. And I don't remember feeling bad about it at all, except I do remember my mom continuing to ask me if I was sure I wanted to do this. If there's one thing I've learned with my mother, if she keeps asking if you're sure, then you are in the middle of making a bad decision. But I kept going. So I bought Baby Wanna Walk. I brought her home. I took her out. I set her up. Got all excited to play house. Had my sister set as my neighbor. My brother was my dog. And then, SHE DIDN'T WALK. She didn't walk. It was horrible. She was some cheap stupid doll that could barely put one foot in front of the other before it fell over and made some horrible machine walk. It was a bust. I told my mom I hated Baby Wanna Walk, and, my mother being the amazing mom that she is, she took me back to Toys R Us the next day to get Jennifer back. So I walked up and down the aisles looking for Jennifer, but that doll was nowhere. They had no more Jennifers. They were surprised they took Jennifer back in the first place. I finally settled on another doll. I named her Lindsay, but I always knew that Jennifer was the best. That's how I learned the hard way to stick with what you have, because you never know what you're going to get. And just when some gizmo (decent word, no?) comes along, that doesn't mean you should give up a proven good thing, like Jennifer.
You can see that this was a serious issue of my childhood.
In fifth grade, we had this old monster of a computer. Like it was all with the black screen and green computery writing. We had a few games though that were cool. Reader Rabbit. God that was a quality game. I remember I played the hard level sometimes and lost a lot. We also had the best no-frills versions of Jeopardy and Wheel-of-Fortune. I loved those. Seriously. (By the way, I am possibly the best Wheel-of-Fortune player I know. I wish I was kidding. I can solve those things so fast. It's one of my greatest skills, and the only thing I will brag about. Really.) Now they have all these other versions of the game shows, with all these supposed extras, like Alex Trebek actually making an appearance and Vanna White actually turning the letters. Am I the only person out there who preferred the basic versions, that just allowed you to play the games? They were great. They need to go back to that. I hate all this updated stuff that freezes on you or takes ten minutes to spin the wheel with all of the extras they keep stuffing in there. Even writing this now, I get a little angry about it, I have to be honest.
People say that you should be given a test before you should be able to have children. I don't know if I agree with that, but I definitely think that people should be given a test before they are allowed to carry umbrellas. These people are morons! They walk right into you. Or they carry these huge golf umbrellas and take up the whole sidewalk. Or they just drip all over you. Really. Umbrella smarts is a tough thing to come by.
I think I've reached the bottom. Enough of this nonsense.
So my fellow RA on call and I decide to take the air gun on rounds with us. Man, was that fun. We knocked on some residents' doors, and then when they opened the door, BAM! there went the air gun. We almost killed another RA though, who basically shut the door after we smashed her with the air gun and we were pretty nervous that we gave her a heart attack or something, it was pretty scary. For about two minutes, I seriously considered the possibility that I had just committed involuntary manslaughter or something. Luckily, she was okay with it, after she started breathing again. So we had some fun with the whole air gun thing. We had a couple of close calls when I thought we were going to get in trouble because a few residents didn't laugh at first, but then they came around. You really can't argue with an air gun.
My aim was a little off though, which kind of messed up the whole thing.
Sometimes, I only got the top of somebody's head, rather than theif face. That really ruined the effect. For the most part though, it went well.
You know what you should never, ever wear? Socks with teva sandals. I'm not even going to go into why it's a bad idea.
So the Red Sox are getting me pretty mad. Seriously, this season sucks so far. My friend Paul wrote me an email that he signed "Go Oakland" because he thinks the Sox have already lost to the Yankees. This made me laugh for a while. I really thought that was clever. But anyway, he reminded me of the horribleness of the season. Don't even tell me horribleness isn't a word. I know. But the Sox are just dismal this year. Right now Manny Ramirez is driving me nuts. I know his average is astronomical right now, but seriously, what's with the hamstring injury? The guy didn't play the last game of the first half, then he plays in the all-star game, and since then, he's been DH-ing or not playing. And then he kids around about it and says there's no rush. Quote. "There's no rush." WHAT? Are the Sox not seven games back in the AL East? Are they not tied with Oakland for the wild card? Is Martha Stewart not contemplating how to accessorize a bright orange jumpsuit? Last I checked, things were not going along fine. The Sox basically have to concede the AL East (though I'm really not ready to), they are now talking about a wild card race between several teams (Mike Soscia will beat Terry Francona on his worst day) and Martha Stewart is headed to the big house. Big house, by the way, is her estate on Turkey Hill in Westport, Connecticut, because my guess is that if a woman can make a three-story gingerbread house from scratch while fixing the plumbing while feeding chickens while making her own straw basket, she can probably figure out a loophole in her legal case and keep herself out of jail. Bottom line: THERE IS A RUSH. It is outrageous to me that Manny doesn't think it's a big deal that he's out of a line up, especially now that freakin Rambo Ortiz is facing a suspension for throwing his bats onto the field. The umpire sucked in that situation, but why is he throwing bats onto the field? Really. Big Papi my ass.
Anyhow, I'm really not pleased with the Sox right now. Derek Lowe sucks.
I forgot to mention my favorite line of the week. Credit this weird guy on Jay Leno, doing a stint at the All Star media day. The guy goes up to Derek Jeter, who's talking to a bunch of sportswriters. He says to him, without even breaking a smile, "Would you rather be in the All Star Game or Mariah Carey?" That had to be the best line of the week. Had to.
Speaking of good lines, people have to go see the movie Napoleon Dynamite. Heck yes. The kid is such a freak. God I love it. His grandmother asks him how his day was, and he says, "It's the worst day of my LIFE." When a little kid on the bus asks him what he's going to do that day, he says with exasperation, "Whatever I want. Jeez." I'm really not communicating the pure comic genius of this movie, but I'm going to see it soon again, because I haven't laughed that much in so long. Let me know if you want to go. I will. His Uncle Rico is ridiculously funny too, and his brother Kip is so pathetic. Rico asks Kip if it's serious with his girlfriend, and Kip says, "Yes, it is pretty serious. We talk about two hours online a DAY." He also runs over some tupperware, which has to be one of the best movie moments in a while. And then there's Pedro. Oh I have to stop.
Did you know, by the way, that the entire state of Vermont is on the endangered list? I don't know if it's the endangered species list, because I don't know whether a state can be a species. But anyhow, I guess with all the commercialization of Vermont, the historical aspects are getting lost. Or endangered. So the whole state is on this list thing. That made me laugh for a long time. Not because I think endangered things are funny. Well, the dodo always got a good laugh when we were kids, but that's extinct. But I love panda bears, and they're endangered. Leave that to me. I'll always pick my favorite whatever to be on some messed up list. I love panda bears though. I will buy almost anything if it has a panda bear on it. I love panda bear stuffed animals. It's like I'm my crazy aunt with those stuffed animals. Only not even close, because she is a total whacko. But anyhow, Vermont is endangered. God that is funny. Let me tell you, I've been to Vermont (remember the post about the video?) I bet it's endangered. Nobody's going to go there anymore if they have experiences like mine. Unless they're like eight hundred years old and want to sit around a fire or something. Really. If you ever want to go to Vermont for a few days - and you're not going to ski, which is good there - just go to your basement, put some flannel blankets around the place, and bring a flashlight. For effect, you might want to bring a Bible, like they have in all hotel rooms. You should also bring a phone book, but there's no need to bring a phone because the power lines are down and no store is open past sundown. You can also have pretzels and soda, to be like the snacks from the vending machine you are forced to get after no stores are open for your late night adventures (late night = 10 pm). A TV adds to the whole experience as well. Basically, a basement with a tiny window facing your lawn plus the few extras is all you need. Save yourself the drive. You've got Vermont in your basement. I bet you didn't know that. Maybe next time Amanda and I will let you know how you can recreate New Hampshire in your attic.
I hope my disparaging remarks don't add to the endangered state of Vermont. Except the University of Vermont fans can be extinct for all I care. Really. I went to the America East basketball tournament last March to watch the whole thing, and the Vermont fans were ridiculous. Seriously. The place was packed with fans. And I'm not talking college kids. I'm not even talking senior citizens. I'm talking about 40 year olds, 50 year olds, people with no association to the school besides it being in their zipcode, and basically the entire endangered state was packed into Walter Brown Arena, all in green and yellow and acting like if their team won, it would really bring some pride to their state. Man. It's not like it's the NCAAs (Random UConn reference). And you know what the real kicker is? Vermont did win. And Vermont is STILL on the endangered list.
If I were 50 years old, I would be in love with Jay Leno.
So I read this book, the Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway. It was pretty good if you ask me. I thought it as about a totally different subject, which is pretty dumb because you can't get more straightforward than "The Old Man and the Sea."
I'm also reading "The Shining" after I lost a bet. I have to admit, I am a real scaredy cat. Really. It's pretty sad to be almost 21 and get as freaked out about things as I do. I've gotten over some of it, after living on my floor in Warren Towers or The Towers by myself. But people always reference it to the Shining, and I have to tell you, it can feel that way at times if you let it get to you. When I was staying in Warren, my dad came by and asked if it was like the Shining. So I said no, and then he was like, "Really? When you go out into the hall and nobody's there, you don't feel like the twin girls on those little bikes are going to ride right up to you? You don't feel like the elevators are going to turn to blood? Nobody's asking you to come play?" Yeah, Dad, thanks a lot. Really. After that, every time I left my room, I pictured those two psycho tikes on their stupid tricycles. Anyhow, I have to read the Shining now. And see the movie. I'll let you know how it goes. When I saw "The Ring," I almost died. That was the first movie that I actually considered leaving the theater for. Like I was sitting there, thinking about whether it would be better for me to sit in the hall and wait for my friends. God I was a freak. I watched the thing through my winter coat. I'm not even joking. I have yet to see the whole movie that the movie itself is based on. I saw the girl climb out of the TV though, and the vision of her face is enough to get me. My favorite thing though of the whole experience was when it was completely silent in the theater, this guy yelled out "Mommy!" Definitely worth the price of admission for that one.
I went to rent the movie "Field of Dreams" at Blockbuster last week. I hadn't seen it, and I figured I should. They only have VHS. Let me just say that this whole conversion thing from VHS to DVD is a lot more difficult than it seems. I bought all my favorite videos, and now I have to go back and get them on DVD. And all the videos are cheap. Like the Blockbuster Pre-viewed movies, those were the best deals going. And now I can't even take part.
I'm having a tough time at work. I am having difficulty maintaining my nice face when talking to morons on the phone. It's so bad. These people call up all timid and stuff, and I'm thinking, You are going to be a school counselor? Are they nuts? Seriously. The blind leading the blind. No offense to any blind people. And then there's this applicant who says that she is the Chinese Helen Keller. She's deaf and was born one hundred years and two days after Helen Keller, so she figures that she is HK re-incarnated. She has to be the most annoying person ever though, and she constantly calls with the most inane questions. She's not even really that close to Helen Keller because she's not blind. Maybe she should look up some details of her long-lost soulmate before she starts claiming to be the woman. I really have to resist the urge to ask her on the phone, "Do you know why Helen Keller's dog killed itself?" or "Do you know why Helen Keller was a bad driver?"
I am a horrible person.
Seriously though, people are morons. It kills me, the questions these people ask. And they go through their entire family history all the time with you, like you care that their uncle's best friend's cousin's girlfriend's nephew once also went to BU. And then they ask you if you know who he is, like he's this big man on campus. "Oh, you don't know Dave? He's real active in that chorus." OH! That chorus! RIGHT. Sorry, no clue who he is. Really? Let me say the name again, and let me give you the same exact description, because you must know him. After all, there are only 16,000 people at your school, and he's "real active" in a chorus!
Yeah.
Or how about this one:
Moron: "I'd like to find out about some of your programs at Boston College."
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, this is Boston University. If you're interested in information about BU, I'd be happy to mail you a bulletin."
Moron: "No, I'd like information about BC."
Me: "Okay. No problem, have a nice day."
Moron: "Wait, you're not going to send me information?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted information about BC."
Moron: "I do."
Me: "Riiight. This is BU, sir. We don't have information about BC."
Moron: "Why not?"
How do I make this clear to people? I mean really, without sounding totally rude and insulting, how do you do it?
Me: "Well, because we are Boston UNIVERSITY, not Boston COLLEGE, we only have information about BU. I'm sure that BC can provide you with a bulletin though."
Moron: "Are you telling me I have to make another phone call just to get a bulletin?"
Me: "Yes."
Moron: "Are you kidding me?"
Me: "No."
Moron: "Is this ridiculous, or is it just me?"
Is both a suitable answer to this question?
I just laughed kinda nicely and said I was sorry for the confusion, that it happens a lot, and I hoped that he had a nice day in Idiotville. Really.
When I was in elementary school, we had this award called the Good Citizen award. I got that award when I was in first grade, and I got this golden piece of paper and my mom took me to Toys R Us to get me a toy as a reward for being such a good citizen. I ended up buying this bear, and being the creative genius that I am, I named the pink bear Pinky. I've kept Pinky since. Really. It has become one of my most beloved posessions. If there were a fire, I think I might save Pinky before one of my siblings. That is a horrible horrible joke. But seriously, I'd take the bear with me. Pinky was great. Until my brother got mad at me one day and startd pulling out Pinky's stuffing through a tiny hole in her back. That was so mean to do. I was like 18 when he did it and I got really mad at him. Now you can punch Pinky's face in, because there's not that much stuffing. It's pretty sad.
Also, I have this other stuffed animal named Brownie. Yeah. He's brown. It's a Pound Puppy that my great-grandmother bought me. Those things have the saddest eyes ever. Go home and look at yours. I bet it's sad. I used to love Brownie when I was a kid. I would take that thing everywhere. This was long before Pinky came into the picture. I got Brownie when I was about two years old. I took him with me to the Westfarms mall and I left him there. Big mistake. My dad went back to get him, and they had put him in a display. When I was little, I thought that was the coolest story - my dog, famous in a display.
I was a messed up little kid.
I also had this doll, Jennifer. Jennifer was a beautiful baby doll. She looked like a real baby, only not ugly with a scrunched up face like the other realistic baby dolls were. She was like real-size, too. I really loved Jennifer. I was probably about seven. So I loved this doll. And then I saw this commercial for this other doll. Baby Wanna Walk. I became OBSESSED with getting Baby Wanna Walk. I begged my mother to buy me a Baby Wanna Walk. She told me I could trade in my Jennifer doll for Baby Wanna Walk. I had basically just bought Jennifer, so I could still return it to Toys R Us I guess. I don't remember all the details. So I said okay, great, that was fine. I probably used those words, I was such a wise-ass. So anyhow, my mom takes me to Toys R Us, and we had packed up Jennifer. My mom was so sad about it. I could tell she thought I was making the wrong decision. But I was set on having Baby Wanna Walk. She actually walked! I was so excited. So I traded her in. And I don't remember feeling bad about it at all, except I do remember my mom continuing to ask me if I was sure I wanted to do this. If there's one thing I've learned with my mother, if she keeps asking if you're sure, then you are in the middle of making a bad decision. But I kept going. So I bought Baby Wanna Walk. I brought her home. I took her out. I set her up. Got all excited to play house. Had my sister set as my neighbor. My brother was my dog. And then, SHE DIDN'T WALK. She didn't walk. It was horrible. She was some cheap stupid doll that could barely put one foot in front of the other before it fell over and made some horrible machine walk. It was a bust. I told my mom I hated Baby Wanna Walk, and, my mother being the amazing mom that she is, she took me back to Toys R Us the next day to get Jennifer back. So I walked up and down the aisles looking for Jennifer, but that doll was nowhere. They had no more Jennifers. They were surprised they took Jennifer back in the first place. I finally settled on another doll. I named her Lindsay, but I always knew that Jennifer was the best. That's how I learned the hard way to stick with what you have, because you never know what you're going to get. And just when some gizmo (decent word, no?) comes along, that doesn't mean you should give up a proven good thing, like Jennifer.
You can see that this was a serious issue of my childhood.
In fifth grade, we had this old monster of a computer. Like it was all with the black screen and green computery writing. We had a few games though that were cool. Reader Rabbit. God that was a quality game. I remember I played the hard level sometimes and lost a lot. We also had the best no-frills versions of Jeopardy and Wheel-of-Fortune. I loved those. Seriously. (By the way, I am possibly the best Wheel-of-Fortune player I know. I wish I was kidding. I can solve those things so fast. It's one of my greatest skills, and the only thing I will brag about. Really.) Now they have all these other versions of the game shows, with all these supposed extras, like Alex Trebek actually making an appearance and Vanna White actually turning the letters. Am I the only person out there who preferred the basic versions, that just allowed you to play the games? They were great. They need to go back to that. I hate all this updated stuff that freezes on you or takes ten minutes to spin the wheel with all of the extras they keep stuffing in there. Even writing this now, I get a little angry about it, I have to be honest.
People say that you should be given a test before you should be able to have children. I don't know if I agree with that, but I definitely think that people should be given a test before they are allowed to carry umbrellas. These people are morons! They walk right into you. Or they carry these huge golf umbrellas and take up the whole sidewalk. Or they just drip all over you. Really. Umbrella smarts is a tough thing to come by.
I think I've reached the bottom. Enough of this nonsense.
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