Rules of the Road
Someone once asked me to name something I was really good at and to name something I was really bad at. I said I was great at Wheel of Fortune. Like Ken Jennings great. I stick by that. For what I was bad at, I said I was bad at crossing the street.
When I told people about this conversation, their reactions were always the same. "Really? You're really good at Wheel of Fortune?" and then, "Oh, yeah dude, you definitely suck at crossing the street."
I guess it is common knowledge among most of my friends that my street-crossing skills need work. The source of my weakness, I have discovered, is my timing. It's all off. There are three types of street-walkers: 1. the people who never cross against the light, even if there are no cars anywhere; 2. the people who cross at any time, halting traffic as they walk at the slowest, most deliberate pace ever; and then there's the third, most dangerous, most annoying group, and that's me - the people who walk up to the corner, hestitate, take a step forward, hesitate, then go at the last minute, forcing them into an awkward run/walk combo while causing the cars passing to at least slow down so as to not cause vehicular manslaughter.
Yeah, I'm in that third group.
It's pretty embarrassing. It's actually a real problem. Sometimes, I'll even look ahead to see the light and see if it's green or red. If the light is red, and I'm far enough back, I'll actually slow down a little bit. I really hate the whole awkward routine of standing at the corner, looking at the light, biting your lip, looking at the cars waiting and trying to determine if the drivers look like they're the type to step on it as soon as the red turns to green, thus mowing you down in the process, or whether they look like their foot is calmly placed on the floor - not the gas pedal - and so you are safe to wander across. I also have to consider whether crossing will put me into the walk/run/look apologetically at the impatient driver routine, because that is to be avoided at all costs.
The best action is to make a quick decision and go with it. Even a fake-out (when you step into the street and then step right back) is better than standing there, looking all nervous about it, because with a fake-out you at least look like you are in charge and aware and still playing it safe. This entire scenario is made easier, by the way, with more people at the corner. If you have a group, you can basically go whenever you want. So sometimes at an especially difficult cross, I will try to slow down or speed up to make it to the edge of a large group so I can just avoid the whole responsibility for making my own decision dilemma and cross with the group.
If there is nobody there to save me from myself, then I have a few other tricks I use. I try to make eye contact with some driver waiting. I figure, making eye contact is like signing a silent contract: I will not kill you. Then I usually go. I still end up in my walk/run routine, but at least then... you know, I was going to write an excuse for "at least then" but really, I've got nothing. The bottom line with walk/run is that it's always a little embarrassing.
Some crosses are just difficult, even for the most advanced and experienced crossers, so you just have to deal with it. Like in Kenmore Square, there is this awful cross. It's a pretty big street, and traffic can come at you from like four different areas. No matter who has a red light, someone can turn up the street and can kill you. It's really a matter of life and death sometimes. So what I do is, I just go whenever. I don't even wait for a light, I just go when there aren't any cars coming right at me. I figure, that way, if I die, at least I gave it a good shot and I was on the hardest cross. People could be like, "Well, this is a terrible cross," rather than, say, regular old Commonwealth Avenue, when people would just shake their heads and say, "This is such an easy cross, she must be a moron." I'd rather be remembered in the other sense. So, I just go and hope for the best.
I used to think the cross to West Campus was tough, but I was out of my mind. That one's really a piece of cake.
I have also gotten to be much better since being in London last summer, where buses will come thisclose to running you over. They really will. And, I was always double-checking myself every time I crossed even a side street because some loser was always going by at 200 miles per hour down what I consider the wrong side of the street. I would have to pull people back someimes. I do that sometimes and people get really upset at me. They look at me like, "I could have MADE that. What are you DOING??" And the truth is, I can only shrug and apologize. I'm trying to be nice when I try to save people from deaths that only I imagine, but nobody seems appreciative that I pulled them back to the curb, out of the danger of a truck 300 feet away. I've tried to stop, but I always think that with my luck, the one time I don't say something, my friend will end up on a dashboard.
Sadly, the whole street-crossing issue has sometimes manifested itself to when I'm just walking on the sidewalk. I attribute this, however, to the idiocy of bikeriders, skateboarders, rollerbladers, and people in other rolly devices. Here's the thing. It is a sideWALK. Not a sidebike, sideskate, sideblade, or siderolly. It is a sideWALK. Thereore, when I am WALKING, I feel like I should be boss. I'm in charge there. I feel like it's up to the other people to move around me. It drives me nuts when I have to stop and pull over and wait while some moron teeters on his bike to go around me. Which brings me to my next point: you should need a license to ride a bike on the sidewalk. You know how you need a license to drive a car down the street? I feel like with a bike on a sidewalk, you're as much of a hazard - if not more - than a bad driver.
I hate it when I'm walking down the street and some horrible bike rider is in front of you, teetering away. It's actually even worse when I'm driving. I HATE driving by bike riders. Especially ones that suck at it. Because let's face it. If a bike rider can't control his bike and he drives into my car and then flips over and dies, I'm going to have to pay for the damage done to my car, and I'm probably going to have to pay his family millions of dollars because he was some A+ person who cared for mentally disturbed animals, and I took his life away from him when he was just on a bike ride enjoying the summer afternoon. Do you see what I'm saying? This stuff can be really dangerous.
But if you're on the sidewalk, I hate it when you meet someone in a bike, and you have this face-off thing. I've been really grumpy in the past when I don't even respect the face-off routine and I just walk ahead anyway, making the bike rider teeter around even more. I'm sorry, and I'm sure the bike rider was one of the good guys, but sometimes, you just get fed up. You just do. But if you respect the face-off, then you have to stop, make eye contact, smile at the situation, you go left, he goes left, you go right, he goes right, you smile again, then one of you stops completely and lets the other person go, in effect giving them the "right of way." And this, THIS is what kills me. I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. And so, when I halt, out of respect for the bike rider, if he goes, that's just showing absolutely no respect for what should be the rules of the walk. Yeah. I just shortened sidewalk. I know, not the best move.
The other issue about the right of way is when you come to a complete walkblock. This occurs when a group of morons - usually female morons - decides to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to have a marathon conversation about Absolutely Nothing. I love when they choose convenient spots, such as right at the curb or directly in front of a doorway. It's just so considerate of the other walkers around them. Love that. If it were not a sidewalk, but a road, would you see a group of cards stopped in the middle of the street, chatting about the squirrels? Actually, you might. This is notorious for people with minivans. I'm not kidding. These people will stop and talk about the weather, their kids' soccer games, the color of the bottom of their shoes - all while blocking traffic with their big minivans. It reminds me of the version when they all block sidewalk traffic with their big minivan butts. (This is yet another reason why I will never, ever drive a minivan. I will seriously strap my kid the roof or take two trips rather than drive a minivan. I know this makes me a bad person, very superficial, and I know my family has had a van. But you know, some things are just not negotiable. Minivans are one of them.)
Maybe someday I will have improved my street-crossing skills to the point where when people ask me what I'm good and bad at, I'll have to think of another answer. I'm pretty awful at throwing a football, actually, now that I think about it. The key, by the way, to the "what are you good at/what are you bad at" questions is to choose something unique. Like, not everyone can be good at it, and not everyone can be bad at it. You have to pick a very specific skill in order to really personalize the whole conversation. It's a little difficult and you might find it takes a few days to come up with a really solid answer. That's what happened with me. But it's worth the wait, because then you have two really good answers and that's very satisfying. I'm curious to know what everyone else is good/bad at, so please, by all means, send it my way.
When I told people about this conversation, their reactions were always the same. "Really? You're really good at Wheel of Fortune?" and then, "Oh, yeah dude, you definitely suck at crossing the street."
I guess it is common knowledge among most of my friends that my street-crossing skills need work. The source of my weakness, I have discovered, is my timing. It's all off. There are three types of street-walkers: 1. the people who never cross against the light, even if there are no cars anywhere; 2. the people who cross at any time, halting traffic as they walk at the slowest, most deliberate pace ever; and then there's the third, most dangerous, most annoying group, and that's me - the people who walk up to the corner, hestitate, take a step forward, hesitate, then go at the last minute, forcing them into an awkward run/walk combo while causing the cars passing to at least slow down so as to not cause vehicular manslaughter.
Yeah, I'm in that third group.
It's pretty embarrassing. It's actually a real problem. Sometimes, I'll even look ahead to see the light and see if it's green or red. If the light is red, and I'm far enough back, I'll actually slow down a little bit. I really hate the whole awkward routine of standing at the corner, looking at the light, biting your lip, looking at the cars waiting and trying to determine if the drivers look like they're the type to step on it as soon as the red turns to green, thus mowing you down in the process, or whether they look like their foot is calmly placed on the floor - not the gas pedal - and so you are safe to wander across. I also have to consider whether crossing will put me into the walk/run/look apologetically at the impatient driver routine, because that is to be avoided at all costs.
The best action is to make a quick decision and go with it. Even a fake-out (when you step into the street and then step right back) is better than standing there, looking all nervous about it, because with a fake-out you at least look like you are in charge and aware and still playing it safe. This entire scenario is made easier, by the way, with more people at the corner. If you have a group, you can basically go whenever you want. So sometimes at an especially difficult cross, I will try to slow down or speed up to make it to the edge of a large group so I can just avoid the whole responsibility for making my own decision dilemma and cross with the group.
If there is nobody there to save me from myself, then I have a few other tricks I use. I try to make eye contact with some driver waiting. I figure, making eye contact is like signing a silent contract: I will not kill you. Then I usually go. I still end up in my walk/run routine, but at least then... you know, I was going to write an excuse for "at least then" but really, I've got nothing. The bottom line with walk/run is that it's always a little embarrassing.
Some crosses are just difficult, even for the most advanced and experienced crossers, so you just have to deal with it. Like in Kenmore Square, there is this awful cross. It's a pretty big street, and traffic can come at you from like four different areas. No matter who has a red light, someone can turn up the street and can kill you. It's really a matter of life and death sometimes. So what I do is, I just go whenever. I don't even wait for a light, I just go when there aren't any cars coming right at me. I figure, that way, if I die, at least I gave it a good shot and I was on the hardest cross. People could be like, "Well, this is a terrible cross," rather than, say, regular old Commonwealth Avenue, when people would just shake their heads and say, "This is such an easy cross, she must be a moron." I'd rather be remembered in the other sense. So, I just go and hope for the best.
I used to think the cross to West Campus was tough, but I was out of my mind. That one's really a piece of cake.
I have also gotten to be much better since being in London last summer, where buses will come thisclose to running you over. They really will. And, I was always double-checking myself every time I crossed even a side street because some loser was always going by at 200 miles per hour down what I consider the wrong side of the street. I would have to pull people back someimes. I do that sometimes and people get really upset at me. They look at me like, "I could have MADE that. What are you DOING??" And the truth is, I can only shrug and apologize. I'm trying to be nice when I try to save people from deaths that only I imagine, but nobody seems appreciative that I pulled them back to the curb, out of the danger of a truck 300 feet away. I've tried to stop, but I always think that with my luck, the one time I don't say something, my friend will end up on a dashboard.
Sadly, the whole street-crossing issue has sometimes manifested itself to when I'm just walking on the sidewalk. I attribute this, however, to the idiocy of bikeriders, skateboarders, rollerbladers, and people in other rolly devices. Here's the thing. It is a sideWALK. Not a sidebike, sideskate, sideblade, or siderolly. It is a sideWALK. Thereore, when I am WALKING, I feel like I should be boss. I'm in charge there. I feel like it's up to the other people to move around me. It drives me nuts when I have to stop and pull over and wait while some moron teeters on his bike to go around me. Which brings me to my next point: you should need a license to ride a bike on the sidewalk. You know how you need a license to drive a car down the street? I feel like with a bike on a sidewalk, you're as much of a hazard - if not more - than a bad driver.
I hate it when I'm walking down the street and some horrible bike rider is in front of you, teetering away. It's actually even worse when I'm driving. I HATE driving by bike riders. Especially ones that suck at it. Because let's face it. If a bike rider can't control his bike and he drives into my car and then flips over and dies, I'm going to have to pay for the damage done to my car, and I'm probably going to have to pay his family millions of dollars because he was some A+ person who cared for mentally disturbed animals, and I took his life away from him when he was just on a bike ride enjoying the summer afternoon. Do you see what I'm saying? This stuff can be really dangerous.
But if you're on the sidewalk, I hate it when you meet someone in a bike, and you have this face-off thing. I've been really grumpy in the past when I don't even respect the face-off routine and I just walk ahead anyway, making the bike rider teeter around even more. I'm sorry, and I'm sure the bike rider was one of the good guys, but sometimes, you just get fed up. You just do. But if you respect the face-off, then you have to stop, make eye contact, smile at the situation, you go left, he goes left, you go right, he goes right, you smile again, then one of you stops completely and lets the other person go, in effect giving them the "right of way." And this, THIS is what kills me. I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. And so, when I halt, out of respect for the bike rider, if he goes, that's just showing absolutely no respect for what should be the rules of the walk. Yeah. I just shortened sidewalk. I know, not the best move.
The other issue about the right of way is when you come to a complete walkblock. This occurs when a group of morons - usually female morons - decides to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to have a marathon conversation about Absolutely Nothing. I love when they choose convenient spots, such as right at the curb or directly in front of a doorway. It's just so considerate of the other walkers around them. Love that. If it were not a sidewalk, but a road, would you see a group of cards stopped in the middle of the street, chatting about the squirrels? Actually, you might. This is notorious for people with minivans. I'm not kidding. These people will stop and talk about the weather, their kids' soccer games, the color of the bottom of their shoes - all while blocking traffic with their big minivans. It reminds me of the version when they all block sidewalk traffic with their big minivan butts. (This is yet another reason why I will never, ever drive a minivan. I will seriously strap my kid the roof or take two trips rather than drive a minivan. I know this makes me a bad person, very superficial, and I know my family has had a van. But you know, some things are just not negotiable. Minivans are one of them.)
Maybe someday I will have improved my street-crossing skills to the point where when people ask me what I'm good and bad at, I'll have to think of another answer. I'm pretty awful at throwing a football, actually, now that I think about it. The key, by the way, to the "what are you good at/what are you bad at" questions is to choose something unique. Like, not everyone can be good at it, and not everyone can be bad at it. You have to pick a very specific skill in order to really personalize the whole conversation. It's a little difficult and you might find it takes a few days to come up with a really solid answer. That's what happened with me. But it's worth the wait, because then you have two really good answers and that's very satisfying. I'm curious to know what everyone else is good/bad at, so please, by all means, send it my way.
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