Get Your Own Goddamn Tickets
Well, it's that time of year again.
The count to date is 12. I have 12 voicemails and emails - combined - from this week, all with the same infuriating formula:
The first part is always the "hope everything is going well" introduction, making that awkward, "Wow, we haven't talked in FOREVER" go as smoothly as possible (read: not very smooth). This year, the common theme has been "Hope teaching is going well!" which is considerably better than last year's, which was, "Hey! Bet you're getting started on that job search. Hope that's going well," which immediately put me into an even grumpier mood regarding the email or voicemail.
Oh, and this reminds me, about this time of the year, I'm wary of any emails whose subject line is "Hey."
Anyway, the second part of any email or voicemail is the whole "We really need to get together to go to that movie/restaurant/store we had been talking about forever ago" (which, incidentally, is usually the last time I talked to this person - if I can place that person at all). This part gets me especially heated because I know it's all fake. If you really wanted to go to that movie/restaurant/store, you would have called me months ago when we made the tentative plans. I'm not stupid. It's just a thinly (THINLY) veiled attempt to make the awkward "I want tickets" request go over as smoothly as possible (read: even less smooth than the introduction).
This leads to the final segment, which says that I must be busy becuase of baseball season beginning. This seems to be a transition that gives both an excuse for not explicitly hanging out (i.e. "We should get together, but you must be getting busy with the start of baseball season!) and a way to get to the request as smoothly as possible. (Do I have to say it again?) This goes like this: "You must be getting really busy with baseball season beginning though! I bet you are excited. Actually, I was wondering..." Every single email, voicemail, whatever always includes the "actually," as though I'll be surprised by their request. You wanted tickets?! I'm SHOCKED.
Then I come to the fun part of the email or voicemail. I like to rate these on the level of egregiousness of the request. Like, some people just ask for two tickets to any game for themselves and whatever friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/parent/employer who's never been to the park before. The only real factor that affects its spot on the egregious scale is how well I know the person requesting the tickets. Like, if you're in my phone contact list and I've considered deleting you because I can't remember the last time I talked to you, then I'm mildly annoyed. If you are a friend of a friend, I'm annoyed. If you're a friend of a friend of a friend's boyfriend, the teeth begin to grind.
Those requests, however, are few and far between. And by "those requests" I don't mean the requests from a friend of a friend of a friend's boyfriend. I mean the request for two random tickets for any game. More often than not, I'm asked for four tickets to any game during a specified weekend (always with the inane addendum "I'm flexible!") or tickets for a group outing (six or more - which make me think, "What are you, fucking nuts?") or the dreaded Yankees tickets ("[Whatever assholes I'm inviting] have never been to Fenway, and we think a Yankees game would be so much fun to go to!"). Given any of these scenarios, added in with the factor of how well I know the jerk requesting the tickets, and I'm anywhere from glaring at my computer screen/phone to openly seething. What is sure to send me over the edge is adding at the end of the request, "Obviously, we'd pay for the tickets." Umm, obviously.
What I don't understand is how these idiots can think that these tickets are available to them. Obviously, if they have to ask me for them, it means that they're not easy to get. So, if they're not easy to get, don't you think you should make ANY request as easy as possible? Forget the idea that most reasonable people wouldn't ask someone in the first place - unless they're family or BFFAEAEAEAEAE - but what about just truly being flexbile? I'd be annoyed no matter what if somebody I didn't know started asking me for anything, but I'm enraged when these morons have the audacity to ask for specifics and then claim they are being "flexible" (I'd like to knock some of these idiots right on the head with a dictionary) when they say that they'll take an afternoon or evening game during the requested weekend. Do they think I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, she was so FLEXIBLE. She said she'd take either the Saturday OR Sunday Yankees game, as long as I can get the six tickets." Well, I'm not.
These people must think that either I have no friends or family or I get unlimited tickets. Because otherwise, they wouldn't be presumpuous enough to think that any tickets I do get would go to them, when I can count on one hand the number of times I've spoken to them - whether in the last five months or in my entire life.
This brings me to my final quandry: how to reply to these FFs. (Fake Friends or Fuck Faces, depending on the placement on the level of egregiousness or the number of requests I've received that day or just how I'm feeling at the moment.) I could go the dripping with sarcasm route:
Dear FF,
Thanks for the email. I love getting emails from people I haven't heard from in months. I think we should finally go see that movie, but by this point, we'll have to see whether they still have VHS at Blockbuster!
Anyway, it was so nice of you to think of me to email me, right about the time when you're right - I AM busy! I'd love to get you tickets, especially since you're being - as you say! - so flexible in requesting either Monday or Tuesday of the Yankees series. Since you said you'd really prefer Tuesday, then I'll try to figure out if we can get tickets for the Green Monster for that game. I know you said you'd rather not get standing room, but that if you have to, you'll take three seats and three standing room - but only on the Monster. I'll get back to you as quickly as you got back to me regarding the above plans and let you know whether this will be possible.
All the best,
EC
I could go the ignoring route:
"Deee-leted," says the voicemail!
Or, I could go the straightforward route:
Dear FF,
Where do you get off emailing me months after we've spoken to request that I get you and your precious family - whom I've never met nor care to meet - tickets for one of the hottest events in town? And being flexible means accepting ANYTHING I can do for you - not any day of the three days you happen to want. And you're not being "easy" when you say that you'll take half standing room tickets, half seats for your party of six. And by the way, it IS an inconvenience for me to have to ask for these tickets.
EC
PS I don't want to hang out with you to see that goddamn movie anyway.
PPS The box office is open every day, here or online. Get your own goddamn tickets.
The count to date is 12. I have 12 voicemails and emails - combined - from this week, all with the same infuriating formula:
The first part is always the "hope everything is going well" introduction, making that awkward, "Wow, we haven't talked in FOREVER" go as smoothly as possible (read: not very smooth). This year, the common theme has been "Hope teaching is going well!" which is considerably better than last year's, which was, "Hey! Bet you're getting started on that job search. Hope that's going well," which immediately put me into an even grumpier mood regarding the email or voicemail.
Oh, and this reminds me, about this time of the year, I'm wary of any emails whose subject line is "Hey."
Anyway, the second part of any email or voicemail is the whole "We really need to get together to go to that movie/restaurant/store we had been talking about forever ago" (which, incidentally, is usually the last time I talked to this person - if I can place that person at all). This part gets me especially heated because I know it's all fake. If you really wanted to go to that movie/restaurant/store, you would have called me months ago when we made the tentative plans. I'm not stupid. It's just a thinly (THINLY) veiled attempt to make the awkward "I want tickets" request go over as smoothly as possible (read: even less smooth than the introduction).
This leads to the final segment, which says that I must be busy becuase of baseball season beginning. This seems to be a transition that gives both an excuse for not explicitly hanging out (i.e. "We should get together, but you must be getting busy with the start of baseball season!) and a way to get to the request as smoothly as possible. (Do I have to say it again?) This goes like this: "You must be getting really busy with baseball season beginning though! I bet you are excited. Actually, I was wondering..." Every single email, voicemail, whatever always includes the "actually," as though I'll be surprised by their request. You wanted tickets?! I'm SHOCKED.
Then I come to the fun part of the email or voicemail. I like to rate these on the level of egregiousness of the request. Like, some people just ask for two tickets to any game for themselves and whatever friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/parent/employer who's never been to the park before. The only real factor that affects its spot on the egregious scale is how well I know the person requesting the tickets. Like, if you're in my phone contact list and I've considered deleting you because I can't remember the last time I talked to you, then I'm mildly annoyed. If you are a friend of a friend, I'm annoyed. If you're a friend of a friend of a friend's boyfriend, the teeth begin to grind.
Those requests, however, are few and far between. And by "those requests" I don't mean the requests from a friend of a friend of a friend's boyfriend. I mean the request for two random tickets for any game. More often than not, I'm asked for four tickets to any game during a specified weekend (always with the inane addendum "I'm flexible!") or tickets for a group outing (six or more - which make me think, "What are you, fucking nuts?") or the dreaded Yankees tickets ("[Whatever assholes I'm inviting] have never been to Fenway, and we think a Yankees game would be so much fun to go to!"). Given any of these scenarios, added in with the factor of how well I know the jerk requesting the tickets, and I'm anywhere from glaring at my computer screen/phone to openly seething. What is sure to send me over the edge is adding at the end of the request, "Obviously, we'd pay for the tickets." Umm, obviously.
What I don't understand is how these idiots can think that these tickets are available to them. Obviously, if they have to ask me for them, it means that they're not easy to get. So, if they're not easy to get, don't you think you should make ANY request as easy as possible? Forget the idea that most reasonable people wouldn't ask someone in the first place - unless they're family or BFFAEAEAEAEAE - but what about just truly being flexbile? I'd be annoyed no matter what if somebody I didn't know started asking me for anything, but I'm enraged when these morons have the audacity to ask for specifics and then claim they are being "flexible" (I'd like to knock some of these idiots right on the head with a dictionary) when they say that they'll take an afternoon or evening game during the requested weekend. Do they think I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, she was so FLEXIBLE. She said she'd take either the Saturday OR Sunday Yankees game, as long as I can get the six tickets." Well, I'm not.
These people must think that either I have no friends or family or I get unlimited tickets. Because otherwise, they wouldn't be presumpuous enough to think that any tickets I do get would go to them, when I can count on one hand the number of times I've spoken to them - whether in the last five months or in my entire life.
This brings me to my final quandry: how to reply to these FFs. (Fake Friends or Fuck Faces, depending on the placement on the level of egregiousness or the number of requests I've received that day or just how I'm feeling at the moment.) I could go the dripping with sarcasm route:
Dear FF,
Thanks for the email. I love getting emails from people I haven't heard from in months. I think we should finally go see that movie, but by this point, we'll have to see whether they still have VHS at Blockbuster!
Anyway, it was so nice of you to think of me to email me, right about the time when you're right - I AM busy! I'd love to get you tickets, especially since you're being - as you say! - so flexible in requesting either Monday or Tuesday of the Yankees series. Since you said you'd really prefer Tuesday, then I'll try to figure out if we can get tickets for the Green Monster for that game. I know you said you'd rather not get standing room, but that if you have to, you'll take three seats and three standing room - but only on the Monster. I'll get back to you as quickly as you got back to me regarding the above plans and let you know whether this will be possible.
All the best,
EC
I could go the ignoring route:
"Deee-leted," says the voicemail!
Or, I could go the straightforward route:
Dear FF,
Where do you get off emailing me months after we've spoken to request that I get you and your precious family - whom I've never met nor care to meet - tickets for one of the hottest events in town? And being flexible means accepting ANYTHING I can do for you - not any day of the three days you happen to want. And you're not being "easy" when you say that you'll take half standing room tickets, half seats for your party of six. And by the way, it IS an inconvenience for me to have to ask for these tickets.
EC
PS I don't want to hang out with you to see that goddamn movie anyway.
PPS The box office is open every day, here or online. Get your own goddamn tickets.
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