Get Your Own Goddamn Tickets

Well, it's that time of year again.

The count to date is 12. I have 12 voicemails and emails - combined - from this week, all with the same infuriating formula:

The first part is always the "hope everything is going well" introduction, making that awkward, "Wow, we haven't talked in FOREVER" go as smoothly as possible (read: not very smooth). This year, the common theme has been "Hope teaching is going well!" which is considerably better than last year's, which was, "Hey! Bet you're getting started on that job search. Hope that's going well," which immediately put me into an even grumpier mood regarding the email or voicemail.

Oh, and this reminds me, about this time of the year, I'm wary of any emails whose subject line is "Hey."

Anyway, the second part of any email or voicemail is the whole "We really need to get together to go to that movie/restaurant/store we had been talking about forever ago" (which, incidentally, is usually the last time I talked to this person - if I can place that person at all). This part gets me especially heated because I know it's all fake. If you really wanted to go to that movie/restaurant/store, you would have called me months ago when we made the tentative plans. I'm not stupid. It's just a thinly (THINLY) veiled attempt to make the awkward "I want tickets" request go over as smoothly as possible (read: even less smooth than the introduction).

This leads to the final segment, which says that I must be busy becuase of baseball season beginning. This seems to be a transition that gives both an excuse for not explicitly hanging out (i.e. "We should get together, but you must be getting busy with the start of baseball season!) and a way to get to the request as smoothly as possible. (Do I have to say it again?) This goes like this: "You must be getting really busy with baseball season beginning though! I bet you are excited. Actually, I was wondering..." Every single email, voicemail, whatever always includes the "actually," as though I'll be surprised by their request. You wanted tickets?! I'm SHOCKED.

Then I come to the fun part of the email or voicemail. I like to rate these on the level of egregiousness of the request. Like, some people just ask for two tickets to any game for themselves and whatever friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/parent/employer who's never been to the park before. The only real factor that affects its spot on the egregious scale is how well I know the person requesting the tickets. Like, if you're in my phone contact list and I've considered deleting you because I can't remember the last time I talked to you, then I'm mildly annoyed. If you are a friend of a friend, I'm annoyed. If you're a friend of a friend of a friend's boyfriend, the teeth begin to grind.

Those requests, however, are few and far between. And by "those requests" I don't mean the requests from a friend of a friend of a friend's boyfriend. I mean the request for two random tickets for any game. More often than not, I'm asked for four tickets to any game during a specified weekend (always with the inane addendum "I'm flexible!") or tickets for a group outing (six or more - which make me think, "What are you, fucking nuts?") or the dreaded Yankees tickets ("[Whatever assholes I'm inviting] have never been to Fenway, and we think a Yankees game would be so much fun to go to!"). Given any of these scenarios, added in with the factor of how well I know the jerk requesting the tickets, and I'm anywhere from glaring at my computer screen/phone to openly seething. What is sure to send me over the edge is adding at the end of the request, "Obviously, we'd pay for the tickets." Umm, obviously.

What I don't understand is how these idiots can think that these tickets are available to them. Obviously, if they have to ask me for them, it means that they're not easy to get. So, if they're not easy to get, don't you think you should make ANY request as easy as possible? Forget the idea that most reasonable people wouldn't ask someone in the first place - unless they're family or BFFAEAEAEAEAE - but what about just truly being flexbile? I'd be annoyed no matter what if somebody I didn't know started asking me for anything, but I'm enraged when these morons have the audacity to ask for specifics and then claim they are being "flexible" (I'd like to knock some of these idiots right on the head with a dictionary) when they say that they'll take an afternoon or evening game during the requested weekend. Do they think I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, she was so FLEXIBLE. She said she'd take either the Saturday OR Sunday Yankees game, as long as I can get the six tickets." Well, I'm not.

These people must think that either I have no friends or family or I get unlimited tickets. Because otherwise, they wouldn't be presumpuous enough to think that any tickets I do get would go to them, when I can count on one hand the number of times I've spoken to them - whether in the last five months or in my entire life.

This brings me to my final quandry: how to reply to these FFs. (Fake Friends or Fuck Faces, depending on the placement on the level of egregiousness or the number of requests I've received that day or just how I'm feeling at the moment.) I could go the dripping with sarcasm route:

Dear FF,

Thanks for the email. I love getting emails from people I haven't heard from in months. I think we should finally go see that movie, but by this point, we'll have to see whether they still have VHS at Blockbuster!

Anyway, it was so nice of you to think of me to email me, right about the time when you're right - I AM busy! I'd love to get you tickets, especially since you're being - as you say! - so flexible in requesting either Monday or Tuesday of the Yankees series. Since you said you'd really prefer Tuesday, then I'll try to figure out if we can get tickets for the Green Monster for that game. I know you said you'd rather not get standing room, but that if you have to, you'll take three seats and three standing room - but only on the Monster. I'll get back to you as quickly as you got back to me regarding the above plans and let you know whether this will be possible.

All the best,
EC

I could go the ignoring route:

"Deee-leted," says the voicemail!

Or, I could go the straightforward route:

Dear FF,

Where do you get off emailing me months after we've spoken to request that I get you and your precious family - whom I've never met nor care to meet - tickets for one of the hottest events in town? And being flexible means accepting ANYTHING I can do for you - not any day of the three days you happen to want. And you're not being "easy" when you say that you'll take half standing room tickets, half seats for your party of six. And by the way, it IS an inconvenience for me to have to ask for these tickets.

EC

PS I don't want to hang out with you to see that goddamn movie anyway.

PPS The box office is open every day, here or online. Get your own goddamn tickets.

March Madness, Part 1

I'm smack in the middle of my annual March Madness internal conflict nausea. This condition is brought on by me having to root against teams I like and root for teams I hate for the sake of my bracket. The cause of the condition at the moment is the Duke - VCU game. I hate Duke. Usually it's hard for me to take them out at an early stage of the tourney because they are a number one seed, but at a number six this year, I only had them going to the Sweet 16, which I still think is generous. This also means that for two games, I actually have to hope they win. Grimace.

This year was especially heartwrenching since they are playing VCU in the first round and I like VCU because they are an underdog team and a good friend of mine works for them. So I wanted to have them beating Duke, but I felt like the smarter bracket choice was to go with Duke. Plus, Bill Simmons picked Duke to lose and I didn't want to copy him.

Well, I've been watching and VCU has been drilling threes one after the other to keep up with the Blue Devils and trail by just two points, with less than five minutes to go. This has the makings of a great game and a great feel-good upset, but I really don't want Duke to lose because of two reasons: 1. my bracket, but mainly 2. it would mean that my gut instinct was right and I almost had it and once again went against it and I should have just gone with what I wanted to do in the first place, like I've been telling myself to do year after year after year of this bracket stuff.

Take two years ago, when UVM - a 16 seed - upset #2 seeded Syracuse in the first round. That realllly messed up my bracket, and I had almost gone with UVM after meeting a bunch of their fans at BU because I thought their fans were so insane that they would travel to Syracuse to cheer on their team and actually make the whole crowd factor - which should have gone to Syracuse since the game was being played like 15 minutes from them - a plus for Vermont. But I was like, "Vermont is in the America East tournament which is like Little League compared to the Big East, so forget it." And sure enough, I got beat. That was also the year my bracket imploded by the second round and I ended up dead-last in my pool.

Anyway, I've been doing okay today so far, but the truth is, that's not a huge deal because I played it pretty safe in my first round this year and most of the games have gone to the higher seeds. Right now, the exception for that is MSU vs Marquette, (no. 9 vs. no. 8) and I've got MSU, but I think a lot of people take Michigan in the tourney because they are a good tourney team, so that won't help me much. My point is that if Duke really loses, it won't be such a huge deal because I did okay today otherwise and it could have been much worse. That said, there are still a few games to go tonight, so I don't want to jinx myself. I always jinx myself, and I don't even believe in jinxes. (Just in case they exist though, just kidding.) Maybe since it won't kill my bracket entirely (I did have them going in the sweet 16), I can root for VCU and feel okay.

The score by the way is 71-70 Duke, with 2:37 to go.

VCU now has the chance to take the lead. I feel like it's at this moment I have to decide whether I should root for the upset. I feel like if I root for the upset, I'm a real person (They took the lead, 72-71) and if I root for Duke, I've sold my soul to the Blue Devil. I've officially given into the greed and pride of the March Madness bracketology, which, quite frankly, I was hoping to avoid. (Well, actually, who am I kidding??)

OK, so I took a two second break to clear my head and I realized something key that can solve my problem. No matter what happens, I can still hate Duke. I can hate Duke if they lose the game because they messed up my bracket (and thus be happy that VCU won) and I can hate Duke if they win because... well, they're Duke (and thus be happy because they won and my bracket is intact). The only thing I can't do is root for VCU to win. I can't root ... okay, so VCU just took a 74-72 lead. (Eww, a Duke guy is bleeding from his eye.)

Another problem by the way is that I like the VCU coach because he looks comfortable and nice and happy to be around and it's his first year. He looks like a guy who smiles and says hi when he walks by you in the hallway and opens doors for people.

Duke just tied it.

I don't know who to root for with less than a minute to play.

This is so exciting.

I want to puke.

VCU just took the lead again. 76-74.

34 seconds.

Duke has the ball. They're letting the clock run down. I think. Oh my god oh my god. VCU just fouled them with 21 seconds to go.

(How crazy is this? I hate Duke and until, like, tonight, I wasn't a VCU fan.)

OH MY GOD HE MISSED THE FREE THROW
OH MY GOD DUKE MISSED THE FREE THROW

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

(I guess I really am rooting for... my bracket! I've sold my soul. For 10 lousy bucks. Cheap.)

Sixteen seconds to go, Duke fouls VCU. I have 9% of my laptop battery left, by the way, since I've been doing work/checking emails etc. and watching basketball since I got home from work.

VCU just got the first free throw.

I think I want them to win.

I dont' know though. OH MY GOD H EMISSED THE SECOND. OH MY GOD DUKE TIES IT UP.

ten seconds left vcu has teh ball. he shoots. IT GOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD. VCU 79, DUKE 77, 1.8 seconds to go. This Maynor dude is ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous. I am seriously dying.

The coach for VCU is freaking calm by the way.

I really don't like Coach K for Duke. This is old news. This is also a long time out.

VCU won.

I am happy for them.

I am mad at myself.

I hate Duke. Coach K looks like he's going to puke. That makes me slightly happy.

I really like that VCU coach.

The one freaking time I bet on Duke, this is what happens. I knew it. I freaking knew it.

This is why I like/hate March Madness.

I have to calm down.

Rehab Rant

Apparently the folks running Britney Spears's life (or just her website, but whatever) have decided that they should launch this preview part of the new site that allows her fans to write messages of support and inspiration while their heroine is in resort rehab. People are writing all sorts of crap, like, "Do whatever it takes to get back... because we LUV you and PRAY 4 U every day to pay u back for being such an inspiration to the WORLD." While reading message after message like this, I sort of wondered whether someone like, say, Nelson Mandela might like knowing that not only is he an inspiration to the world, but so is Britney Spears. I'd like to know the definition of "inspiration to the WORLD" that's currently in use, because if you ask me, people have been throwing that phrase around just a little too much lately - and too much in response to people in rehab.

I feel like nowadays, if people do anything wrong or embarrass themselves in any way, they'll just go into rehab and then when they get out, they'll go on Oprah or some Barbara Walters special and talk about how they need to be a spokesperson for whatever problem they had, since it's never really acknowledged or talked about, and suddenly, badabing, they're in inspiration to the WORLD and pretty soon, they'll get all these critics praising their big comeback in some small part of an indie flick or something. Did anyone stop and consider that all of these problems ARE acknowledged - we all know about alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, general stupidity, selfishness, indulgence, greed, you name it - but that we choose not to CELEBRATE them? In some ways, I sort of feel like celebrities think that because they suffer (excuse me, the PC term is 'struggle') with some disease/illness/personality problem, we should all understand the magnamity of it and give every single person who ever suffered from it (excuse me, struggled with it) credit for simply surviving and ACKNOWLEDGING that they have a problem.

Well, I'm not doing it anymore. Look, I'm not saying that people who face alcoholism/addiction/whatever don't deserve support. Obviously, they do, but I don't think they deserve PRAISE for it. I get the argument: let's praise you for facing your problem and doing the hard work to get better. Okay. I give Britney Spears credit for going to get help for whatever problem she's struggling with, but I'm not going to say she's an inspiration to the world. I don't think an alcoholic getting help is an inspiration to the world. Actually, let me rephrase that: if it is an inspiration, something's gone horribly wrong.

Since when is life in general so tough that anyone who is able to face problems and overcome them suddenly life's greatest inspiration? Is it really THAT admirable that Britney Spears allowed her luxurious life of glamour, fame, and wealth to overcome her to the point that she turned to alcohol and drugs and then found that for the sake of her two children, she should check into some billion dollar resort-y rehab center? I won't even get into her whole music career anyway - sure, she sold billions of albums, but at the same time, was she really a brilliant musician or vocalist? I say no: she burst on the scene when the hot teenager was, in fact, hot, and she could dance and hire a producer who knew how to mix a decent voice to make it radio and teenager-friendly. Congratulations, Britney.

A few nights ago, Diana Ross was on American Idol, and I heard someone say that she's an inspiration because she was able to put her life back together after getting a DUI. This was even more disturbing than Britney: someone who has a DUI, could possibly kill someone, goes to rehab and suddenly SHE'S an inspiration? She probably had all the same publicist types as Britney did, telling her that it's her best career move to go to rehab. So she did. And now she's some moron's inspiration. Kill me.

This brings me to my next point, which is that celebrities going to rehab is like celebrities losing baby weight: they have a team of expensive experts, using only the best techniques/best resources to help them, making it seem like they did all this amazing work when, in fact, they really just had unlimited finances to get the best of the best. If the average crack addict could check into Malibu's Promises, have a team of people coordinate their childcare, then have a team of people get them personal assistants and trainers and psychologists when they got out of rehab, well, I bet the rehabilitation rate of crack addicts would get better. Just like if you gave a new mother a team of nutrionists, personal trainers, and childcare professionals, well, she'd be looking like Heidi Klum, too. So what's my point? It's not fair to use them as inspirations, or to think that they're really struggling in the first place: they're so far ahead of what any average person has, it's almost ridiculous to consider that they get into any trouble in the first place.

And I know, I know, I'm going to hear from people about being insensitive to people facing extreme troubles in life. I'm not. If you have a serious addiction and you beat it, all the best to you. A sincere congratulations, and I think you've done right by the people in your life. No joke. But, I'm really tired of having people think that anybody who faces problems should be called a hero or role model. Simply not true.

Finally, take the case of Miss USA. I have enough issues with the whole pageantry itself, but besides that, does anybody else find it troubling that someone representing us - Miss USA - spent a portion of her reign in REHAB? What does it say about our country that she's in rehab? Sure, in the grand scheme of things, we're not really represented by Miss USA, but don't you think it's representative in some way of our current state of the union that we're accepting her stint in rehab as "heroic"? Seriously? As my favorite newsguy, John Stossel, says, give me a break.

So this brings me back to Ms. Spears. First, she goes and has that quickie marriage to Jason Alexander, who becomes the ultimate hanger-on to the 15 minutes of fame (even dating K-Fed's ex to get some publicity). Then, she steals Kevin Federline from Shar Jackson (Mr. Alexander's paramour for a few minutes), marries him, has a kid, reveals her true white trash center, and then gets pregnant AGAIN. During her pregnancy she also goes on Dateline looking as though someone picked her up right out of her trailer and put the TV camera on before she could glue on her false eyelashes completely or iron her wrinkly tank top or spit out her gum. A few months later, she has her second kid, and within weeks of his arrival, she's lost all the baby weight (plastic surgery, anyone?) and she's left her husband and she's now BFFAEAE with Paris Hilton. So far, is any of this heroic? Any of this inspirational? Any of this show someone who's really facing tough times? (I should add that while she's pregnant, she spends time vacationing in Florida, California, Arizona, Mexico, the Caribbean... in between buying only the most expensive items for herself, her children, and her deadbeat husband.) Nobody feels like she's really facing anything tough - and she's not - she's just making really awful decisions. So what happens? She ends up in rehab. And suddenly, it's all explained and accepted. She's in REHAB.

I don't buy it. I think she fucked up a bunch of times and her management team told her she needs to get into rehab ASAP or she's headed back to the trailer - without any hopes of any more Matt Lauer interviews. So she did it, and the American people are such morons that they bought it, to the extent that they're now posting get well messages telling Britney she's their inspiration.

I wish this whole Britney site was a message board, because then I could reach out to all these morons and tell them that if Britney Spears is their inspiration, they need the well wishes more than she does.

Get Your Order Straight

Check out this meaningful exchange:

"I've got an order of sour cream and chive fries for the table," the busboy announced to our party of eight.

"Oh, no, we ordered sweet potato fries," I told him. I was the one who placed the order for the table. We have ordered the same thing each time we have had our monthly dinner at this restaurant as a large group - one order of sweet potato fries for the table. Never, ever have I ordered sour cream and chive fries. For this dinner or otherwise.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Umm, yes," I said. He walked away, towards the bar, where our waitress was standing.

She came back.

With the fries.

"You ordered sour cream and chive fries," she said to me.

(Umm, I did?)

"No, I ordered sweet potato fries," I corrected her. Nicely.

"I heard you say sour cream and chive fries." She was totally adamant.

"Umm, well, I didn't order that. I've never ordered that."

"I could have sworn you did."

"Well, umm, I didn't."

"I thought you did."

(Am I supposed to now say "You thought wrong"? Because I'm close.)

"Sorry?"

"I could have sworn you did." She's still standing in front of our table with the basket of unwanted - and unordered - sour cream and chive fries.

"We've never ordered those," interjected the woman next to me. "We always order sweet potato fries."

"Well, that's what I heard you say." She stuck her accusing chin at me.

And here's where I have to mention the major problem that I have with this entire exchange, aside from her alarmingly bad attitude and apparent disdain for the 'customer is always right' mentality: she didn't write down our order in the first place, despite us being a party of eight. The entire time she's been talking, I've been thinking, look, lady, if you don't write down the order, I don't want to hear a single thing from you if you get something wrong besides, "I'm sorry, I should have written it down."

I really don't get this new business of not writing down orders. I mean, if you took a poll of all restuarant patrons, wouldn't every single one of them value getting the correct meal over having their server taking their order simply by memory? Who in their right mind would be like, "What I really look for in a good waitress is her ability to remember my order without writing it down. I love seeing that talent." Yeah, I didn't think so.

If I ever run the world, I'm going to make it mandatory that waiters and waitresses write down their orders. And I'm also going to make it mandatory that if you get an order wrong, you just suck it up and return it. Don't make it all awkward by repeating the same thing over and over again, as though I'd suddenly be like, "Oh, you know what? Even though I just told you twice within ten seconds that I didn't order those fries, I really did! I was just kidding."

Not. Going. To. Happen.

It was at this moment, as I was having this thought, that this genius chose to say the watershed remark: "Look, I've been working here a few years now, and I'm telling you, I've never made a mistake."

Now, this whole thing had reminded me of the time when I was a kid and my family went to this diner, but this comment just put me over the edge. Here's the memory: They brought out a cheeseburger for my brother, who had never had a cheeseburger in his life. The waitress kept telling my dad that's what he'd ordered for my brother and my dad kept trying to reason with the lady that he'd never ordered that in his life. The woman was just as adamant as this waitress - she told my dad she'd been a waitress for like thirty years and she'd never made a mistake in those thirty years.

Thinking about that whole incident gave me the idea about how to answer this freak, still standing in front of our table, because I'd had just about enough of her.

"Well," I said to her, "I guess you just made your first."

So she had really no choice but to go back into the kitchen and get some sweet potato fries and spit on them and bring them out, which is (presumably) what she did.