A Raisin in the Sun
Recently, I've been having these awful moments of realization when I figure out that there's a whole bunch of things that I am never going to be able to do in my lifetime. Essentially, my dreams have been dying at a pretty rapid and alarming pace lately.
For example, Oprah has really been messing with me lately. I've always wanted to go to her show. Well, her show is ending this season, and I don't have tickets, so there's a dream... pretty much gone. I mean sure, there's the outside shot that I could get to a show at some point this year, so technically that dream isn't dead yet. It's just dying. That gave me some comfort, but then I watched her Favorite Things Show in November, and I realized that a more specific and bigger dream - to be at that show - was definitively dead. I told my sister this one morning on our way to work.
"It's my dream to go to that Favorite Things Show, and now, I know it will never happen," I said to her sadly.
"But how do you know for sure?" she asked me, just like everyone asks when someone says that something will never happen. Nobody likes when hope dies.
"Because her final Favorite Things Show aired yesterday."
"Oh."
Yeah, so that died. Thanks, Oprah.
Then, I was watching one of Oprah's new shows on her network and it is about the Oprah Winfrey Show Behind the Scenes. Secretly, or not-so-secretly, I've always sort of wanted to work for Oprah. There are many valid reasons for this, but that's besides the point. So I guess I could technically work for Oprah still, even after her show ends, but the thing that I could never figure out was what I wanted to do FOR Oprah. Like when people asked me, okay, so you want to work for Oprah, but what would you do for her? I couldn't answer that question. Until I watched this Behind the Scenes show. See, when I trying to figure out what to do with my career a couple years back, a lot of people suggested that I be a project manager. People thought that I would be good at managing projects. I couldn't really understand what that looked like, but then I saw this Oprah Behind the Scenes show and I realized... I should be a TV producer. Specifically, I would have loved to be one of Oprah's producers. Basically, producers take the idea for the show and then they manage the production of it. They make sure the guests are ready and prepared, that they have all the details nailed down for the segments, etc. It is essentially managing a project, and in this case, they're managing a project that I am definitely interested in... the Oprah show! So I found my dream career. I would like to be a TV producer for Oprah.
Well, coulda woulda shoulda, because as everyone knows by now, Oprah's show is ending and she doesn't need a producer. And I guess you could say that I could always just be a producer for another show, but no. My point is that yet another dream, to be a producer for the Oprah show, is dead.
This one was a little tougher to swallow, because it was more symbolic for me. See, I've always wondered what I am actually going to do with my life. Yeah, I teach and all, but I always thought that if I wanted to do something else, I could. And then I had trouble thinking of what that something else would be, so I stuck with teaching because it was familiar and comfortable and easy. I don't mean all of those things like it's a piece of cake job - it's not - but I mean because it's a lot harder to just stop your life and start over. As it turns out, I don't even think I COULD do that anymore.
I keep trying to think of an analogy for this, like if you went on this huge road trip or something and all of a sudden wanted to go somewhere entirely different, but I keep realizing that you could always turn back in every example that I think of. Every example, no matter what, you can turn back or make a change and start over. Except in reality, with time. Because you can't really start over there. You really can't.
So this dreams thing goes beyond Oprah for me. Oprah is sort of the embodiment of it right now, because it's the most tangible way to explain what I mean, but I would be willing to bet that everyone has an experience like mine with Oprah. Because at a certain point - sorry to be the dream killer - the long list you had as a kid of what you could be or do will turn into a longer list that you have as an adult of what you'll never be and do.
So I'm never going to be in Oprah's Favorite Things audience. I'm not going to be a TV producer for her show. I recently had a moment where I realized I'm not going to ever be Miss America (I'm beyond the age cut off, in case you were wondering how I knew that for absolute certainty). There's a bunch of serious ones I could put here, but you get the idea.
And before everyone freaks out that I'm being overly dramatic or depressing, I can tell you that there's still a lot of things I can do... some with great difficulty, but I suppose it's not impossible. It's just that recently, it feels a little like I'm in this minefield where I have to be careful of my next step because boom! another one of my dreams might just explode and die right in my face. It's very jarring when it happens, because it reminds you of the universal truth that my father once wisely shared with me. He won't remember this, and I include it for two reasons: one, because when he inevitably freaks out that I'm in some tailspin after he reads this blog I can point to what he said as evidence that he's thought the same thing, and two, because I finally understood what he meant.
We were driving somewhere, I forget where. Maybe to a bookstore. I don't remember what we were talking about or when it was, but I remember exactly what he said and how he said it. "I had this deep thought once," he said. (Yes, he said this.) "And it was like my one deep thought." (Yes, he said this.) "It made a lot of sense to me, because it's really deep." (Yes, he said this.)
"What?" I asked him.
"It's later than you think."
I probably said nothing in response.
"Very deep," he said again.
It took me a few years, but he's right. It is.
For example, Oprah has really been messing with me lately. I've always wanted to go to her show. Well, her show is ending this season, and I don't have tickets, so there's a dream... pretty much gone. I mean sure, there's the outside shot that I could get to a show at some point this year, so technically that dream isn't dead yet. It's just dying. That gave me some comfort, but then I watched her Favorite Things Show in November, and I realized that a more specific and bigger dream - to be at that show - was definitively dead. I told my sister this one morning on our way to work.
"It's my dream to go to that Favorite Things Show, and now, I know it will never happen," I said to her sadly.
"But how do you know for sure?" she asked me, just like everyone asks when someone says that something will never happen. Nobody likes when hope dies.
"Because her final Favorite Things Show aired yesterday."
"Oh."
Yeah, so that died. Thanks, Oprah.
Then, I was watching one of Oprah's new shows on her network and it is about the Oprah Winfrey Show Behind the Scenes. Secretly, or not-so-secretly, I've always sort of wanted to work for Oprah. There are many valid reasons for this, but that's besides the point. So I guess I could technically work for Oprah still, even after her show ends, but the thing that I could never figure out was what I wanted to do FOR Oprah. Like when people asked me, okay, so you want to work for Oprah, but what would you do for her? I couldn't answer that question. Until I watched this Behind the Scenes show. See, when I trying to figure out what to do with my career a couple years back, a lot of people suggested that I be a project manager. People thought that I would be good at managing projects. I couldn't really understand what that looked like, but then I saw this Oprah Behind the Scenes show and I realized... I should be a TV producer. Specifically, I would have loved to be one of Oprah's producers. Basically, producers take the idea for the show and then they manage the production of it. They make sure the guests are ready and prepared, that they have all the details nailed down for the segments, etc. It is essentially managing a project, and in this case, they're managing a project that I am definitely interested in... the Oprah show! So I found my dream career. I would like to be a TV producer for Oprah.
Well, coulda woulda shoulda, because as everyone knows by now, Oprah's show is ending and she doesn't need a producer. And I guess you could say that I could always just be a producer for another show, but no. My point is that yet another dream, to be a producer for the Oprah show, is dead.
This one was a little tougher to swallow, because it was more symbolic for me. See, I've always wondered what I am actually going to do with my life. Yeah, I teach and all, but I always thought that if I wanted to do something else, I could. And then I had trouble thinking of what that something else would be, so I stuck with teaching because it was familiar and comfortable and easy. I don't mean all of those things like it's a piece of cake job - it's not - but I mean because it's a lot harder to just stop your life and start over. As it turns out, I don't even think I COULD do that anymore.
I keep trying to think of an analogy for this, like if you went on this huge road trip or something and all of a sudden wanted to go somewhere entirely different, but I keep realizing that you could always turn back in every example that I think of. Every example, no matter what, you can turn back or make a change and start over. Except in reality, with time. Because you can't really start over there. You really can't.
So this dreams thing goes beyond Oprah for me. Oprah is sort of the embodiment of it right now, because it's the most tangible way to explain what I mean, but I would be willing to bet that everyone has an experience like mine with Oprah. Because at a certain point - sorry to be the dream killer - the long list you had as a kid of what you could be or do will turn into a longer list that you have as an adult of what you'll never be and do.
So I'm never going to be in Oprah's Favorite Things audience. I'm not going to be a TV producer for her show. I recently had a moment where I realized I'm not going to ever be Miss America (I'm beyond the age cut off, in case you were wondering how I knew that for absolute certainty). There's a bunch of serious ones I could put here, but you get the idea.
And before everyone freaks out that I'm being overly dramatic or depressing, I can tell you that there's still a lot of things I can do... some with great difficulty, but I suppose it's not impossible. It's just that recently, it feels a little like I'm in this minefield where I have to be careful of my next step because boom! another one of my dreams might just explode and die right in my face. It's very jarring when it happens, because it reminds you of the universal truth that my father once wisely shared with me. He won't remember this, and I include it for two reasons: one, because when he inevitably freaks out that I'm in some tailspin after he reads this blog I can point to what he said as evidence that he's thought the same thing, and two, because I finally understood what he meant.
We were driving somewhere, I forget where. Maybe to a bookstore. I don't remember what we were talking about or when it was, but I remember exactly what he said and how he said it. "I had this deep thought once," he said. (Yes, he said this.) "And it was like my one deep thought." (Yes, he said this.) "It made a lot of sense to me, because it's really deep." (Yes, he said this.)
"What?" I asked him.
"It's later than you think."
I probably said nothing in response.
"Very deep," he said again.
It took me a few years, but he's right. It is.
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