Enough is Enough
First of all, I've written this post twice because the first time when I went to submit it, it said bad request or some bullshit like that. And I couldn't just go back one page and find the opus, so now I'm stuck writing it all over again. Yet another reason for me to be in charge of the world.
That's what this was all about in the first place. See, I'm starting to realize that for whatever fucked up reason, I'm not going to be in charge of the world anytime soon, even though it makes a lot more sense than what's been going on around here lately. A few examples of what I'm talking about are below. You can call them my case for being put in charge of this place.
My first case is about customer service. If I were in charge of the world, if you had a bad customer service experience somewhere, you could go to this court or just write it up or call someone, tell them the story, and the store would be investigated to see whether it was bullshit or not. You may think that we have something like this, called the Better Business Bureau. Well, I would tell you you'd be wrong. The BBB will take care of you if someone basically steals from you, but they won't do anything if you just think that having two separate lines for sales and service is total crap for how to help customers the best or if you have to deal with Mariah from Best Buy who is a total freaking moron. Nobody at the BBB cares. It makes me think that in my world, you could call up my system and complain about the BBB and maybe for once those people would be investigated. So there.
Anyway, I have tons of examples of customer service stupidity but the biggest offender right now (besides the perennial contender Comcast Motherfuckers) is Verizon. Verizon has the most bunk customer service plan I've ever heard of. Basically, you have to choose if you have a service or sales issue. You have to sign in on a computer at the front of the store and then you're put in a "queue" which is a freaking joke. I don't know why anybody thinks this, but people legitimately believe that if you're told you're in a queue it is far more polite and pleasing to the customer's ear than line. I say absolutely not and I get even angrier that someone thinks I'm stupid enough to fall for such crap. Anyhow, when I went in recently, I had a very quick issue that needed to be taken care of. I'd just gotten a Blackberry and I was having trouble figuring out how to work a simple application or key or something. Basically I needed someone there to tell me I was a moron and show me how to use it. I'd had a flip phone for years, and I wasn't used to dealing with all these applicationy things. It was literally going to take two seconds to set me straight.
So I go in. Granted, it was 7 pm on a Thursday in the middle of our humidity heat wave and I was hungry. So I give Verizon that they were at a disadvantage. But that didn't even matter. Kevin the Greeter started things off. As soon as I walked in, he made me sign in on the computer for a service or sales issue. Let me tell you, Kevin the Greeter takes his job seriously. See, this wasn't my first time at the rodeo so I knew Verizon's line game. There were already three people waiting in the service queue, the one I needed, and there was nobody in the sales queue. This is how it always works at Verizon. There's always a line for one and not a line for the other issue and so you have a bank of people just sitting there while a bunch of us stand around and wait and have nothing to distract us besides which plastic phone cover we like best. It is awful. I'm not sure which higher-up thought of this system, because I can't see how anybody would think that this would serve customers most effectively. Essentially it means that I could be waiting in their store for a half hour and still have two people ahead of me, and some jomoko can come in from off the street and walk right up to the sales counter and get help. How does this make sense? It doesn't which is why it shouldn't exist.
But anyway, Kevin the Greeter made me sign in so I did. Then I noticed that Kevin was texting on his blackberry since nobody else was coming in the store, and there were two people still in line for customer service issues - plus me - and nobody in line for sales issues, so the were three more Verizon staffers texting on their phones. That means that there were a total of 7 people doing absolutely nothing productive and four of those people should have been. Like, if I have a business and this scenario unfolded, I would want one of my go-getters to get up from the sales desk and transfer their service skills for fifteen minutes to get the line down. Duh! Someone tried to tell me that some Verizon employees are trained just on sales or just on service but if you believe that you are reallly fucking stupid because I saw the same guy who sold me my phone working at the service desk that night, and I've seen the opposite scenario as well. We're not talking whether you're trained to do cardiopulmonary surgery versus brain surgery here. We're talking whether you can reset a phone battery or sell me a new plan. Really now.
I could go into how I wasted the next 45 minutes of my life, but it's not even worth it. Suffice it to say that when I asked Kevin the Greeter my question, since I saw he had the exact same phone as me, he told me that QUOTE "I'm greeting today, so I'm in that mindset" and outright refused to answer my question. That led me to a whole list of questions, like, what kind of mindset do you have to be in to be a greeter at the Verizon store? Do you put your mindset on hold when you go order lunch? How do you maintain this greeter mindset while texting? I feel like these are very legitimate questions, which is why I should be able to ask them, which is why I should have some system in the world I can go to who will take care of these issues, which is why I should run the world. Case #1 done.
Case #2 is about the United States Justice System. I have a real beef with them. Mainly about their treatment of Lindsay Lohan. So Lindsay pretty much violated every court order she got and instead of cleaning up her act, she would just go out and get more and more wasted all over the place. I can't even remember the last movie she was in. Clearly, she is a complete trainwreck. Now look, if you know me, you know I don't believe in this whole rehab bullshit. I think rehab is a pretty good scam right now because you can pretty much do anything and then say you're going to rehab, go stay in a luxury resort, and you're cured. Then you have to do another stint ten months later. I think rehabs should have to give their money back to people if that happens because clearly, their services failed. But that's a whole other issue. I'll stick with Lindsay. For Lindsay, I actually think rehab is a good idea because she is just a mess and she definitely needs professional help right now to salvage her life, let alone her career. So I'm a proponent for Lindsay to go to rehab. I'll state that upfront.
What I am totally against is how ridiculous everyone is getting over her going to jail. In the two weeks between her sentencing and when she was supposed to report to jail, every time I checked one of my gossip websites there was some story on there about how she was freaking out over having to go to jail. They wrote this like it was major news. Umm, people? Isn't going to jail like the last resort? I mean, if you're not scared by going to jail, there's not much we can do for you. In fact, seeing that she was scared to go to jail was the first time I thought, "Hmm. Seems like she has some clue about life finally." So I was already annoyed that people were freaking out that she was freaking out and they were asking for sympathy for Lindsay. See, I don't have any sympathy for Lindsay. Well, that's not quite true. Clearly, I think she's in a lot of trouble and she just can't help herself or fix her life, so I do feel sort of bad for her for that. I also feel bad for her that she used to be this little kid on the Parent Trap and now she's probably the least bankable actress in Los Angeles. I mean, you might have people more willing to bet on Mel Gibson than Lindsay. That's saying a lot right now. So, I do feel kind of bad for her for how her life has turned out. But I absolutely refuse to feel bad for her having to go to jail! Sorry Lindsay! You got so many stupid chances and rehab visits and you made a freaking joke out of all of them. Spend some time in jail. In fact, I was disappointed that it was only a week she'd be there. (By the way, how annoyed do you think Martha Stewart is about all of these reduced jail sentences? If she had been charged in California, she'd have spent a week in her jail cell and then been home like Paris Hilton. Instead she had to come up with all these lemon recipes in the slammer for like a year. Unreal.) Anyway, I didn't feel bad for her jail sentence.
So imagine my disgust when I read that now her lawyers are saying that Lindsay is freaking out over having to go directly from jail to rehab. She wants to go home to her family first. Umm, sorry, no. You don't get that option. It is unfathomable to me the audacity of the lawyers to even ask this. Last I checked, a sentence is a sentence. The judge made the decision, you're done. Plus, no offense, but the Lohan clan isn't exactly the picture of stability and comfort for Lindsay when she gets out of jail. It's not like Dina can even go to Carvel to get her an ice cream cake to celebrate. (PS is there a bigger insult than Carvel revoking your celebrity gold card status? Yikes.) So here's the thing. In my mind, Lindsay is already getting a huge break by spending only one week of her jail sentence actually in jail. She needs to realize that. So if I were the judge, I'd tell Lindsay that she has a choice. She can either serve her full jail sentence, then take two days with her family, and then go to that rehab assignment for 90 days; or, she can serve the one week sentence and then go directly to rehab. Actually, if I were HER judge, I would probably just serve her right and bring her into court on the day of her release and tell her that her request was denied. And I would do this while having "Fuck Off" henna-tattooed on my hands. I'd also tell her that I was taking her request seriously. But that's if I were her judge. If I were just in charge of the world, I would give her the options.
Here's my point with Lindsay: I am tired of celebrities getting all these special privileges. I mean, these people play pretend for their living. They're playing the same games we all played when we were four years old in our backyards, only they have better costumes and props. Didn't everyone play cops and robbers? I mean, isn't that all half our movies are anyways? I'm just saying. Just because Lindsay had a few successful movie roles doesn't mean that she should be given special privileges. In fact, it's probably her special privileges that got her all messed up in the first place. You can't give people things all the time. It messes them up. Except if they're me. Then you can give me whatever.
Anyway, there's probably a bunch more that I have to complain about. And a bunch more great ideas I have. But recently I feel like every time I have an idea, someone else takes it. It's very depressing and reminds me that if I were in charge of the world, this shit wouldn't be happening because I would just think an idea and deem it so and there you'd have it. The world would be better.
That's what this was all about in the first place. See, I'm starting to realize that for whatever fucked up reason, I'm not going to be in charge of the world anytime soon, even though it makes a lot more sense than what's been going on around here lately. A few examples of what I'm talking about are below. You can call them my case for being put in charge of this place.
My first case is about customer service. If I were in charge of the world, if you had a bad customer service experience somewhere, you could go to this court or just write it up or call someone, tell them the story, and the store would be investigated to see whether it was bullshit or not. You may think that we have something like this, called the Better Business Bureau. Well, I would tell you you'd be wrong. The BBB will take care of you if someone basically steals from you, but they won't do anything if you just think that having two separate lines for sales and service is total crap for how to help customers the best or if you have to deal with Mariah from Best Buy who is a total freaking moron. Nobody at the BBB cares. It makes me think that in my world, you could call up my system and complain about the BBB and maybe for once those people would be investigated. So there.
Anyway, I have tons of examples of customer service stupidity but the biggest offender right now (besides the perennial contender Comcast Motherfuckers) is Verizon. Verizon has the most bunk customer service plan I've ever heard of. Basically, you have to choose if you have a service or sales issue. You have to sign in on a computer at the front of the store and then you're put in a "queue" which is a freaking joke. I don't know why anybody thinks this, but people legitimately believe that if you're told you're in a queue it is far more polite and pleasing to the customer's ear than line. I say absolutely not and I get even angrier that someone thinks I'm stupid enough to fall for such crap. Anyhow, when I went in recently, I had a very quick issue that needed to be taken care of. I'd just gotten a Blackberry and I was having trouble figuring out how to work a simple application or key or something. Basically I needed someone there to tell me I was a moron and show me how to use it. I'd had a flip phone for years, and I wasn't used to dealing with all these applicationy things. It was literally going to take two seconds to set me straight.
So I go in. Granted, it was 7 pm on a Thursday in the middle of our humidity heat wave and I was hungry. So I give Verizon that they were at a disadvantage. But that didn't even matter. Kevin the Greeter started things off. As soon as I walked in, he made me sign in on the computer for a service or sales issue. Let me tell you, Kevin the Greeter takes his job seriously. See, this wasn't my first time at the rodeo so I knew Verizon's line game. There were already three people waiting in the service queue, the one I needed, and there was nobody in the sales queue. This is how it always works at Verizon. There's always a line for one and not a line for the other issue and so you have a bank of people just sitting there while a bunch of us stand around and wait and have nothing to distract us besides which plastic phone cover we like best. It is awful. I'm not sure which higher-up thought of this system, because I can't see how anybody would think that this would serve customers most effectively. Essentially it means that I could be waiting in their store for a half hour and still have two people ahead of me, and some jomoko can come in from off the street and walk right up to the sales counter and get help. How does this make sense? It doesn't which is why it shouldn't exist.
But anyway, Kevin the Greeter made me sign in so I did. Then I noticed that Kevin was texting on his blackberry since nobody else was coming in the store, and there were two people still in line for customer service issues - plus me - and nobody in line for sales issues, so the were three more Verizon staffers texting on their phones. That means that there were a total of 7 people doing absolutely nothing productive and four of those people should have been. Like, if I have a business and this scenario unfolded, I would want one of my go-getters to get up from the sales desk and transfer their service skills for fifteen minutes to get the line down. Duh! Someone tried to tell me that some Verizon employees are trained just on sales or just on service but if you believe that you are reallly fucking stupid because I saw the same guy who sold me my phone working at the service desk that night, and I've seen the opposite scenario as well. We're not talking whether you're trained to do cardiopulmonary surgery versus brain surgery here. We're talking whether you can reset a phone battery or sell me a new plan. Really now.
I could go into how I wasted the next 45 minutes of my life, but it's not even worth it. Suffice it to say that when I asked Kevin the Greeter my question, since I saw he had the exact same phone as me, he told me that QUOTE "I'm greeting today, so I'm in that mindset" and outright refused to answer my question. That led me to a whole list of questions, like, what kind of mindset do you have to be in to be a greeter at the Verizon store? Do you put your mindset on hold when you go order lunch? How do you maintain this greeter mindset while texting? I feel like these are very legitimate questions, which is why I should be able to ask them, which is why I should have some system in the world I can go to who will take care of these issues, which is why I should run the world. Case #1 done.
Case #2 is about the United States Justice System. I have a real beef with them. Mainly about their treatment of Lindsay Lohan. So Lindsay pretty much violated every court order she got and instead of cleaning up her act, she would just go out and get more and more wasted all over the place. I can't even remember the last movie she was in. Clearly, she is a complete trainwreck. Now look, if you know me, you know I don't believe in this whole rehab bullshit. I think rehab is a pretty good scam right now because you can pretty much do anything and then say you're going to rehab, go stay in a luxury resort, and you're cured. Then you have to do another stint ten months later. I think rehabs should have to give their money back to people if that happens because clearly, their services failed. But that's a whole other issue. I'll stick with Lindsay. For Lindsay, I actually think rehab is a good idea because she is just a mess and she definitely needs professional help right now to salvage her life, let alone her career. So I'm a proponent for Lindsay to go to rehab. I'll state that upfront.
What I am totally against is how ridiculous everyone is getting over her going to jail. In the two weeks between her sentencing and when she was supposed to report to jail, every time I checked one of my gossip websites there was some story on there about how she was freaking out over having to go to jail. They wrote this like it was major news. Umm, people? Isn't going to jail like the last resort? I mean, if you're not scared by going to jail, there's not much we can do for you. In fact, seeing that she was scared to go to jail was the first time I thought, "Hmm. Seems like she has some clue about life finally." So I was already annoyed that people were freaking out that she was freaking out and they were asking for sympathy for Lindsay. See, I don't have any sympathy for Lindsay. Well, that's not quite true. Clearly, I think she's in a lot of trouble and she just can't help herself or fix her life, so I do feel sort of bad for her for that. I also feel bad for her that she used to be this little kid on the Parent Trap and now she's probably the least bankable actress in Los Angeles. I mean, you might have people more willing to bet on Mel Gibson than Lindsay. That's saying a lot right now. So, I do feel kind of bad for her for how her life has turned out. But I absolutely refuse to feel bad for her having to go to jail! Sorry Lindsay! You got so many stupid chances and rehab visits and you made a freaking joke out of all of them. Spend some time in jail. In fact, I was disappointed that it was only a week she'd be there. (By the way, how annoyed do you think Martha Stewart is about all of these reduced jail sentences? If she had been charged in California, she'd have spent a week in her jail cell and then been home like Paris Hilton. Instead she had to come up with all these lemon recipes in the slammer for like a year. Unreal.) Anyway, I didn't feel bad for her jail sentence.
So imagine my disgust when I read that now her lawyers are saying that Lindsay is freaking out over having to go directly from jail to rehab. She wants to go home to her family first. Umm, sorry, no. You don't get that option. It is unfathomable to me the audacity of the lawyers to even ask this. Last I checked, a sentence is a sentence. The judge made the decision, you're done. Plus, no offense, but the Lohan clan isn't exactly the picture of stability and comfort for Lindsay when she gets out of jail. It's not like Dina can even go to Carvel to get her an ice cream cake to celebrate. (PS is there a bigger insult than Carvel revoking your celebrity gold card status? Yikes.) So here's the thing. In my mind, Lindsay is already getting a huge break by spending only one week of her jail sentence actually in jail. She needs to realize that. So if I were the judge, I'd tell Lindsay that she has a choice. She can either serve her full jail sentence, then take two days with her family, and then go to that rehab assignment for 90 days; or, she can serve the one week sentence and then go directly to rehab. Actually, if I were HER judge, I would probably just serve her right and bring her into court on the day of her release and tell her that her request was denied. And I would do this while having "Fuck Off" henna-tattooed on my hands. I'd also tell her that I was taking her request seriously. But that's if I were her judge. If I were just in charge of the world, I would give her the options.
Here's my point with Lindsay: I am tired of celebrities getting all these special privileges. I mean, these people play pretend for their living. They're playing the same games we all played when we were four years old in our backyards, only they have better costumes and props. Didn't everyone play cops and robbers? I mean, isn't that all half our movies are anyways? I'm just saying. Just because Lindsay had a few successful movie roles doesn't mean that she should be given special privileges. In fact, it's probably her special privileges that got her all messed up in the first place. You can't give people things all the time. It messes them up. Except if they're me. Then you can give me whatever.
Anyway, there's probably a bunch more that I have to complain about. And a bunch more great ideas I have. But recently I feel like every time I have an idea, someone else takes it. It's very depressing and reminds me that if I were in charge of the world, this shit wouldn't be happening because I would just think an idea and deem it so and there you'd have it. The world would be better.
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