Shut Me Up
About a year ago, I started this new practice as a way to deal with people I couldn't talk to. It seemed like we'd get into a huge argument every time we had any conversation. Basically, the person will say something annoying or wrong, and I used to correct the person and we'd then start going back and forth and before you knew it, one of us was catatonic. Obviously this is bad and so I came up with a new strategy: whenever this person said anything frustrating, which, was, well, all the time, I would respond- only in my head. Then I would play out the rest of the conversation, in my head, and I'd experience 1/1000000 of what it would be like if I'd actually said my little comment aloud, and I'd realize it would be not worth it at all, and I'd be able to move forward.
For example, let's say we're driving. The person says, "There is always traffic on the road," when, in fact, there is hardly ever a car on that particular road. Normal people might respond, "Actually, there's never traffic on the road," and then the normal person would say, "Oh. Right," or "Huh. It always seems busy to me for some reason," and that would be it. But not everyone is normal.
Let's say I go with the "Actually, there's never traffic on this road," comment. In response, I'll get something like: "Well, maybe because you're never here on this road, and maybe because I'm driving 1000000 miles a day working 1000000 hours and maybe I'm just overtired because of all that, and you never think I'm right about anything anyway."
Clearly, I'd rather avoid that whole conversation which takes about ten times longer in reality than in typed form, so I'll just play it out in my head and move on. You might think that I could just choose to ignore the incorrect or frustrating comment in the first place, but I feel oddly better after at least having the conversation on my end. In my head.
Anyway, this has been working out great for me. I no longer get into major arguments with this person, and everyone is happier because of that. Because I was having such success, I decided to try it out with a few other annoying people, or a few annoying situations. And it worked.
It was like I was that Adam Sandler guy in the movie Click. He gets a remote control for his life and can fast forward through annoying situations. It seems awesome to him to skip arguments with his wife and kids and boring business meetings, and then all of a sudden, he realizes he's fast forwarded through a lot of important stuff and he can't get any of it back and it turns out to be kind of depressing.
I was talking to my sister and explaining my strategy today and I realized that I was doing the exact same thing. When you can compare yourself to a movie that has a magic remote in it, something's wrong. And when you're just like a character played by Adam Sandler, something's very wrong.
Also, I realized that I'm hardly arguing with anyone anymore, and I'm a pretty good arguer. In fact, what I realized was that I had finally been shut up. I had shut me up all by myself.
So, what am I going to do? I know what I'm definitely not going to do - there's no way I'm going to start arguing with the original strategy person, but I think with everyone else, I'm going to stop censoring what I'd really say. In 2009, I'm going to start calling it like I see it. You might think I do this already, especially given what I've written here, but I think part of the reason I stopped writing so much was because I had stopped telling it like it is. I was just going along like every other moron out there, letting people have the best of me and the situations because I was trying to be the better person and see the good in everyone and everything, or some bullshit like that.
But you know what, I'm just not built like that. So, maybe it's a little late, but here's a list of recent comments that I've had to stick down my own throat instead of the offenders':
- It seems very sketchy to me that you went through and cut off all the price tags on the sweaters and suddenly they all ring in at $5 more.
- Actually, I did say "no cheese" on the sandwich.
- Your sign on the door says you do sell stamps though.
- We've had eight million meetings about walking the kids to the bathroom, and at each of them, I've envisioned having needles pricked into my eyes as a more palatable alternative than sitting through this.
- You know, you were wrong.
- I'm not sorry.
- Did you know that line cutters go directly to hell?
- Yes, I am technically a BestBuy Rewards Zone member, but I have yet to get any of these rewards because your system is completely fucked up and I hate it.
- When you put up the chairs like that, it makes me want to scream.
- Splitting the bill actually won't work because I had something that cost $10 and you had a full on feast for $40. And you do this all the time.
- "Thank you" would have been sufficient.
- Comcast, you motherfucker.
- Coughing directly in my face is disgusting.
- You owe me $3.95 for that sandwich. I wouldn't have charged you, but the least you could have done is acknowledge that I got it for you.
- You're only half listening to me, which is insulting when I full-listen to all of your stories. Even the boring ones.
- The more I think about it, the more I do want you to buy me a gift.
- When you begin every sentence by cocking your head to the right and sticking your hair behind your ear, I want to punch you in the face because I know you're about to try to manipulate me. Your jig is up.
- I might have given you the good restaurant seat, because I do agree with your reasons. You might have slowed down and considered that since you're a full foot taller than me, I can't walk as fast. But you didn't and so neither did I.
- So you can't help me find a product in your store because you only work in the gaming section? Even though you have a computer right there where you can look up all the DVD inventories in the same application?
- What kind of store has absolutely no copies of Jerry Maguire? And doesn't see this as a problem?
- Someone should have talked to your mother about contraception.
- Speaking on a speaker phone when you're in the middle of a quiet bookstore is wicked annoying. You seem to know it's slightly wrong because you told the person not to say anything vile. Better yet, neither of you say anything at all.
- I'm not letting you use my employee discount because you are a user and I don't like you.
- How are you still employed and receiving health benefits when you do your job like this?
- I didn't do anything to you.
- If you work for Staples and endorse this bullshit rewards program, then you must be an idiot.
- I've already waited the 30 minutes you said. And now you're saying to wait an additional 15, which I know will turn into 30 when you call us and then have us wait again by your throne.
- It might not matter to you, but it matters to me.
- I wish you'd see things from my perspective.
- You are dumb.
- You're being petty.
- Actually, I don't really want to order nachos.
- When I say "thank you," the least you can do is say "you're welcome" back.
- You are selfish.
- No, that's not what I said.
- Yes, actually, I meant what I said.
- So there.
For example, let's say we're driving. The person says, "There is always traffic on the road," when, in fact, there is hardly ever a car on that particular road. Normal people might respond, "Actually, there's never traffic on the road," and then the normal person would say, "Oh. Right," or "Huh. It always seems busy to me for some reason," and that would be it. But not everyone is normal.
Let's say I go with the "Actually, there's never traffic on this road," comment. In response, I'll get something like: "Well, maybe because you're never here on this road, and maybe because I'm driving 1000000 miles a day working 1000000 hours and maybe I'm just overtired because of all that, and you never think I'm right about anything anyway."
Clearly, I'd rather avoid that whole conversation which takes about ten times longer in reality than in typed form, so I'll just play it out in my head and move on. You might think that I could just choose to ignore the incorrect or frustrating comment in the first place, but I feel oddly better after at least having the conversation on my end. In my head.
Anyway, this has been working out great for me. I no longer get into major arguments with this person, and everyone is happier because of that. Because I was having such success, I decided to try it out with a few other annoying people, or a few annoying situations. And it worked.
It was like I was that Adam Sandler guy in the movie Click. He gets a remote control for his life and can fast forward through annoying situations. It seems awesome to him to skip arguments with his wife and kids and boring business meetings, and then all of a sudden, he realizes he's fast forwarded through a lot of important stuff and he can't get any of it back and it turns out to be kind of depressing.
I was talking to my sister and explaining my strategy today and I realized that I was doing the exact same thing. When you can compare yourself to a movie that has a magic remote in it, something's wrong. And when you're just like a character played by Adam Sandler, something's very wrong.
Also, I realized that I'm hardly arguing with anyone anymore, and I'm a pretty good arguer. In fact, what I realized was that I had finally been shut up. I had shut me up all by myself.
So, what am I going to do? I know what I'm definitely not going to do - there's no way I'm going to start arguing with the original strategy person, but I think with everyone else, I'm going to stop censoring what I'd really say. In 2009, I'm going to start calling it like I see it. You might think I do this already, especially given what I've written here, but I think part of the reason I stopped writing so much was because I had stopped telling it like it is. I was just going along like every other moron out there, letting people have the best of me and the situations because I was trying to be the better person and see the good in everyone and everything, or some bullshit like that.
But you know what, I'm just not built like that. So, maybe it's a little late, but here's a list of recent comments that I've had to stick down my own throat instead of the offenders':
- It seems very sketchy to me that you went through and cut off all the price tags on the sweaters and suddenly they all ring in at $5 more.
- Actually, I did say "no cheese" on the sandwich.
- Your sign on the door says you do sell stamps though.
- We've had eight million meetings about walking the kids to the bathroom, and at each of them, I've envisioned having needles pricked into my eyes as a more palatable alternative than sitting through this.
- You know, you were wrong.
- I'm not sorry.
- Did you know that line cutters go directly to hell?
- Yes, I am technically a BestBuy Rewards Zone member, but I have yet to get any of these rewards because your system is completely fucked up and I hate it.
- When you put up the chairs like that, it makes me want to scream.
- Splitting the bill actually won't work because I had something that cost $10 and you had a full on feast for $40. And you do this all the time.
- "Thank you" would have been sufficient.
- Comcast, you motherfucker.
- Coughing directly in my face is disgusting.
- You owe me $3.95 for that sandwich. I wouldn't have charged you, but the least you could have done is acknowledge that I got it for you.
- You're only half listening to me, which is insulting when I full-listen to all of your stories. Even the boring ones.
- The more I think about it, the more I do want you to buy me a gift.
- When you begin every sentence by cocking your head to the right and sticking your hair behind your ear, I want to punch you in the face because I know you're about to try to manipulate me. Your jig is up.
- I might have given you the good restaurant seat, because I do agree with your reasons. You might have slowed down and considered that since you're a full foot taller than me, I can't walk as fast. But you didn't and so neither did I.
- So you can't help me find a product in your store because you only work in the gaming section? Even though you have a computer right there where you can look up all the DVD inventories in the same application?
- What kind of store has absolutely no copies of Jerry Maguire? And doesn't see this as a problem?
- Someone should have talked to your mother about contraception.
- Speaking on a speaker phone when you're in the middle of a quiet bookstore is wicked annoying. You seem to know it's slightly wrong because you told the person not to say anything vile. Better yet, neither of you say anything at all.
- I'm not letting you use my employee discount because you are a user and I don't like you.
- How are you still employed and receiving health benefits when you do your job like this?
- I didn't do anything to you.
- If you work for Staples and endorse this bullshit rewards program, then you must be an idiot.
- I've already waited the 30 minutes you said. And now you're saying to wait an additional 15, which I know will turn into 30 when you call us and then have us wait again by your throne.
- It might not matter to you, but it matters to me.
- I wish you'd see things from my perspective.
- You are dumb.
- You're being petty.
- Actually, I don't really want to order nachos.
- When I say "thank you," the least you can do is say "you're welcome" back.
- You are selfish.
- No, that's not what I said.
- Yes, actually, I meant what I said.
- So there.
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