Forget Florida
Uncle.
I got a phone call from my father last Sunday, asking me why I wasn't writing this anymore. I asked him if he had read my last entry. He had. I asked him why he was asking the question then.
"You mean you're done writing because of what I said?!"
"Uhh, yeah."
"No!"
"Yeah, I told you, it was the letter in the mail."
"But that wasn't in reference to EVERYTHING, it was just going back to that one post I told you to take down."
Apparently, my father has never seen a dead horse.
Regardless, I decided to keep this thing after all. If I'm honest, it's partially because it's all I've been hearing for the past week when I run into anyone I haven't seen in a week or so. If I'm really honest, it's also because I can't deal with all the morons in the world without complaining about it. (Speaking of morons, nobody even got the literary allusion in the title of my formerly final post. Poor form.)
Anyhow, this past week, having been a former retiree, it got me thinking about other famous retirements, which got me thinking about annoying people, which got me thinking that I should write about it.
In my opinion, here are some of the best and worst retirements (and retirement announcements, really), ever:
1. The Beanie Baby
A few years back, these things were huuuuge. Adults who were freaks were out collecting them like they were going to be worth tons of money. In my family friend group, there's always some kook who gets on the latest craze and is obsessed. I remember clearly who that kook was. She was OBSESSED with getting the latest Beanie Baby and with tracking how much each was worth on Ebay. The thing was, they started releasing only limited editions, which were impossible to find, and then they started retiring old ones. For example, I had a vintage pig. This thing was worth a ton. I also had a vintage blue elephant.
Actually, that's a lie. My brother had the vintage blue elephant, which he loved. Nobody got why. He was a little kid so he probably just liked that it looked cool because it was a royal blue elephant. Anyhow, this thing became the jackpot. So what did I do? I told everyone it was mine. Typical.
For some unfathomable reason, none of us ever cashed in on the Beanie Baby bonanza. It's probably a result of us not knowing how to really deal with Ebay, when I think about it. But my point is, these TY people made a killing just by announcing you couldn't get some stupid red bull (no, a literal red bull stuffed bean bag animal) after August. The big seller was the Princess Diana bear. This purple thing was huuuuuuuge.
Now, nobody gives a crap about them. TY's rolling in the money from this little scheme, and I've got a collection full of random stuffed bean bag animals that at one time would have gotten me a new car.
In the end, everyone's a loser but the company. Brilliant scheme.
(This reminds me, by the way, of this time that I was playing monopoly with my sister and I had thought up this huge scheme to win the game. It was a little advanced, I admit, but it was really genius. So my dad came over and saw what was going on, and right when I had convinced my sister to agree to this trade - good for the short run, doom for her future - my father said to her, "You don't want to do that!!" And he stopped the deal right then and there and basically told her how to own me and all my properties. I still think about this.)
Final Retirement Rating (FRR): B+ (because some people still buy them, and they still make them sometimes, even though they aren't nearly as cute. Then again, that might just be because I'm not tweleve or an obsessed Ebay kook.)
2. Seinfeld
These guys went out on top. When I was in my conceited mood, I figured I would go out on top, too. Meaning not that I was the best ever, but that I was going out when my popularity was the highest. People didn't want Seinfeld to end, but by pulling the plug, the show didn't deteriorate into cancellation. A classy move.
FRR: A + adjustment for the fact that none of the original cast has done much since = C (Seriously, Jason Alexander's biggest role was playing back-up to an 8-year old and a monkey.)
3. Tom Brokaw
A solid retirement. He announced it, he didn't back away from it when the time came, he had a good end of the broadcast speech, and he still makes special appearances now and then to let everyone know he's retired, not dead.
FRR: A+
4. Jay Leno
He's announced his retirement for 2009, which makes me very upset. Jay Leno is the one celebrity I would really, really like to meet and just have as a buddy. I really love the guy. I include him in this list only because of those facts.
FRR: F, for retiring in the first place, and for having Conan (considerably less warm and cute) as his replacement. If I had a sad face, I'd use it here.
5. Cher
Notorious for announcing her retirements and then continuing on with her uhh, career, Cher is the Retirement Girl Who Cried Wolf. I just want to know who the freaks are who continue to buy into the "This is my last tour ever" gimmick. They're absolute morons.
FRR: Z
6. Sex and the City
Like Seinfeld, this show went out on top and with people begggging them to continue. There's even all this talk about how a movie was scrapped because of negotiation/diva issues. Look, I love the show but I'm happy that they had six solid seasons, told the stories of these characters, and that was that. It's like a good book: you don't want it to end, but in the end, you have a solid story and you can go back and re-read it if you really want. I feel like people should get this, but nobody reads anymore anyhow so it's futile.
This show is a little more complicated than "Seinfeld" with success for its stars though. Take Jerry Seinfeld. The guy sold out his comedy tour thing, great. If that's what he wants, then awesome. But nobody's made the jump to movies, or even another hit TV show. Sarah Jessica Parker, clearly the star then and now, has emerged as a huuuuuge selling point for everything. The others, though, aren't doing so hot, if you ask me. Kristin Davis is playing the Jason Alexander back up role in some third-rate movie about a superhero kid Sharkman or something. Kim Cattrall's in London, and Cynthia Nixon is in New York, having basically come out to the world. Rosie did the same thing: ended her successful talk show and came out, and look where she is. Doesn't look good for Cynthia.
FRR: A for show, tentative B- for cast success post-show, and if I'm honest, D for all the stupid "I'm Carrie" crap that has sparked because of this show. How many "I'm shoe shopping" voicemails am I going to have to listen to? Just how many?!?!
7. Michael Jordan
First, the guy decides to play baseball (FAILURE), then he retires, then he decides that he's going to come back, now he's retired. Uhh, Mike? Maybe you should try GOLF, like every other retired person.
FRR: ?
8. Jose Offerman
Should be retired.
Scratch that. Should be fired.
FRR: Ineligible.
9. Paris Hilton
At 23 or however young she is, she decided to announce her retirement. Okay, Paris? You have to have an actual occupation from which to retire. Seriously, what is she retiring from? Being the partying-hotel-heiress? Being the sex-tape actress? Hooking up with ex-boy band members? I'm confused.
FRR: C, because I don't really get it, and when nobody gets it, they always say to choose C.
10. Oprah
Oprah decided in, like, 2001 that she would announce her retirement for 2006. People don't announce royal appointments with that much notice, but it was Oprah, so it was accepted. Then, she decided that she would continue to 2009. If we get to 2008, and she's like, "Uhh... 2015," then I hope nobody plans a retirement party for her, ever. Just because I think it would be unfair of her to keep annoucing stuff that's not true. Even if it has no bearing on my life and she's not harming anyone, it still drives me nuts. I think it drives me nuts because it's very presumptuous of someone to assume that people will care that you're retiring FIVE YEARS FROM NOW. Mark your calendars. Ridiculous.
This follows (hold on a second. Hooolld up. I JUST heard the most annoying, overdone cell phone ring ever. It's that doodoodoodoo, doodoodoodoo, doodoodoodoo DOO from Love Actually. I want to drive a nail into my head every time it freakin rings. Whoever sells that needs to retire THAT one, for godsake)... back to Oprah. This "Let me Announce my retirement ten billion times" follows the same type of behavior she's now been displaying for some time, and it's about time somebody called her on it. Might as well be me. Here's the thing about Oprah: I like her. I really do. I have a lot of respect for a woman who has made herself into a freakin world-wide name like that. Plus, she has pretty good shows most of the time. I admit it. I'm an Oprah-watcher.
Still, what gets me is this: she has this Hermes battle going on right now, which (OH MY GOD THAT STUPID RING AGAIN) is a little insane. Granted, I know absolutely nothing really about this, given that I wasn't at Hermes, and I don't know Oprah, but whatever. Apparently, Oprah showed up at Hermes after it had closed, like by ten minutes, and wanted to go in to buy a watch for freakin Tina Turner. She wasn't allowed in. She says it was bad and that there was some racism included in the customer service send off. If that's the case, that's bad, obviously. But here's the thing: if I show up at Hermes, fifteen minutes after close, and I want to buy a watch for my friend, they're not going to let me in. Hell, if I show up during the day to buy a watch for my friend it's unsure whether they'd let me in. So how come Oprah should get the rules bent?
Oh, right, because she's OPRAH. Hermes is very stupid though because now everyone will hate them if Oprah says so, and plus, nobody can ever figure out whether it's Her-mezz, or Hermies.
And last, about Oprah: she hosted this Legends Ball to honor all these African-American women who really contributed to society. Great idea in concept. She had this huge party, where she ordered that it was a black and white ball, so people had to wear either black or white. That was it. What does she show up in? A bright red dress. Bright freakin red. The legends she's honoring? Have to be in black or white. Oprah? Red.
Wait, one more thing. Well I'm at it, I was once watching the Daytime Emmy Awards (I know, I know, why?!?) and when they were giving out the award for best talk show, Oprah gave it out and said that she had "removed" herself from being eligible, because she had won so many times. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?! That's like saying, "These people are beneath me." It's like, "I'm saying that no matter what, I automatically win and beat all of you, so this award is really like, 'Who's second best?' " Insane. Whoever let her do this is ridiculous.
Then again, she can't claim getting an Emmy since like 1995 or whatever. Actually, you know what? I bet she just assumes she would have won, so none of it matters. I bet if she actually asked the Emmy people to make her an award for every year just because, they would give serious consideration to it. I'll give her an Emmy. An Emmy for Worst Diva Behavior Ever.
And you know what kills me more than anything? This woman's always like, "yessss, I looove Walmart." Bullshit. She hasn't been in a Walmart, since, like, 1980. Don't give me that crap.
FRR: B- + adjustment for diva behavior = C - -
Ahhhhh it feels good to be back.
I got a phone call from my father last Sunday, asking me why I wasn't writing this anymore. I asked him if he had read my last entry. He had. I asked him why he was asking the question then.
"You mean you're done writing because of what I said?!"
"Uhh, yeah."
"No!"
"Yeah, I told you, it was the letter in the mail."
"But that wasn't in reference to EVERYTHING, it was just going back to that one post I told you to take down."
Apparently, my father has never seen a dead horse.
Regardless, I decided to keep this thing after all. If I'm honest, it's partially because it's all I've been hearing for the past week when I run into anyone I haven't seen in a week or so. If I'm really honest, it's also because I can't deal with all the morons in the world without complaining about it. (Speaking of morons, nobody even got the literary allusion in the title of my formerly final post. Poor form.)
Anyhow, this past week, having been a former retiree, it got me thinking about other famous retirements, which got me thinking about annoying people, which got me thinking that I should write about it.
In my opinion, here are some of the best and worst retirements (and retirement announcements, really), ever:
1. The Beanie Baby
A few years back, these things were huuuuge. Adults who were freaks were out collecting them like they were going to be worth tons of money. In my family friend group, there's always some kook who gets on the latest craze and is obsessed. I remember clearly who that kook was. She was OBSESSED with getting the latest Beanie Baby and with tracking how much each was worth on Ebay. The thing was, they started releasing only limited editions, which were impossible to find, and then they started retiring old ones. For example, I had a vintage pig. This thing was worth a ton. I also had a vintage blue elephant.
Actually, that's a lie. My brother had the vintage blue elephant, which he loved. Nobody got why. He was a little kid so he probably just liked that it looked cool because it was a royal blue elephant. Anyhow, this thing became the jackpot. So what did I do? I told everyone it was mine. Typical.
For some unfathomable reason, none of us ever cashed in on the Beanie Baby bonanza. It's probably a result of us not knowing how to really deal with Ebay, when I think about it. But my point is, these TY people made a killing just by announcing you couldn't get some stupid red bull (no, a literal red bull stuffed bean bag animal) after August. The big seller was the Princess Diana bear. This purple thing was huuuuuuuge.
Now, nobody gives a crap about them. TY's rolling in the money from this little scheme, and I've got a collection full of random stuffed bean bag animals that at one time would have gotten me a new car.
In the end, everyone's a loser but the company. Brilliant scheme.
(This reminds me, by the way, of this time that I was playing monopoly with my sister and I had thought up this huge scheme to win the game. It was a little advanced, I admit, but it was really genius. So my dad came over and saw what was going on, and right when I had convinced my sister to agree to this trade - good for the short run, doom for her future - my father said to her, "You don't want to do that!!" And he stopped the deal right then and there and basically told her how to own me and all my properties. I still think about this.)
Final Retirement Rating (FRR): B+ (because some people still buy them, and they still make them sometimes, even though they aren't nearly as cute. Then again, that might just be because I'm not tweleve or an obsessed Ebay kook.)
2. Seinfeld
These guys went out on top. When I was in my conceited mood, I figured I would go out on top, too. Meaning not that I was the best ever, but that I was going out when my popularity was the highest. People didn't want Seinfeld to end, but by pulling the plug, the show didn't deteriorate into cancellation. A classy move.
FRR: A + adjustment for the fact that none of the original cast has done much since = C (Seriously, Jason Alexander's biggest role was playing back-up to an 8-year old and a monkey.)
3. Tom Brokaw
A solid retirement. He announced it, he didn't back away from it when the time came, he had a good end of the broadcast speech, and he still makes special appearances now and then to let everyone know he's retired, not dead.
FRR: A+
4. Jay Leno
He's announced his retirement for 2009, which makes me very upset. Jay Leno is the one celebrity I would really, really like to meet and just have as a buddy. I really love the guy. I include him in this list only because of those facts.
FRR: F, for retiring in the first place, and for having Conan (considerably less warm and cute) as his replacement. If I had a sad face, I'd use it here.
5. Cher
Notorious for announcing her retirements and then continuing on with her uhh, career, Cher is the Retirement Girl Who Cried Wolf. I just want to know who the freaks are who continue to buy into the "This is my last tour ever" gimmick. They're absolute morons.
FRR: Z
6. Sex and the City
Like Seinfeld, this show went out on top and with people begggging them to continue. There's even all this talk about how a movie was scrapped because of negotiation/diva issues. Look, I love the show but I'm happy that they had six solid seasons, told the stories of these characters, and that was that. It's like a good book: you don't want it to end, but in the end, you have a solid story and you can go back and re-read it if you really want. I feel like people should get this, but nobody reads anymore anyhow so it's futile.
This show is a little more complicated than "Seinfeld" with success for its stars though. Take Jerry Seinfeld. The guy sold out his comedy tour thing, great. If that's what he wants, then awesome. But nobody's made the jump to movies, or even another hit TV show. Sarah Jessica Parker, clearly the star then and now, has emerged as a huuuuuge selling point for everything. The others, though, aren't doing so hot, if you ask me. Kristin Davis is playing the Jason Alexander back up role in some third-rate movie about a superhero kid Sharkman or something. Kim Cattrall's in London, and Cynthia Nixon is in New York, having basically come out to the world. Rosie did the same thing: ended her successful talk show and came out, and look where she is. Doesn't look good for Cynthia.
FRR: A for show, tentative B- for cast success post-show, and if I'm honest, D for all the stupid "I'm Carrie" crap that has sparked because of this show. How many "I'm shoe shopping" voicemails am I going to have to listen to? Just how many?!?!
7. Michael Jordan
First, the guy decides to play baseball (FAILURE), then he retires, then he decides that he's going to come back, now he's retired. Uhh, Mike? Maybe you should try GOLF, like every other retired person.
FRR: ?
8. Jose Offerman
Should be retired.
Scratch that. Should be fired.
FRR: Ineligible.
9. Paris Hilton
At 23 or however young she is, she decided to announce her retirement. Okay, Paris? You have to have an actual occupation from which to retire. Seriously, what is she retiring from? Being the partying-hotel-heiress? Being the sex-tape actress? Hooking up with ex-boy band members? I'm confused.
FRR: C, because I don't really get it, and when nobody gets it, they always say to choose C.
10. Oprah
Oprah decided in, like, 2001 that she would announce her retirement for 2006. People don't announce royal appointments with that much notice, but it was Oprah, so it was accepted. Then, she decided that she would continue to 2009. If we get to 2008, and she's like, "Uhh... 2015," then I hope nobody plans a retirement party for her, ever. Just because I think it would be unfair of her to keep annoucing stuff that's not true. Even if it has no bearing on my life and she's not harming anyone, it still drives me nuts. I think it drives me nuts because it's very presumptuous of someone to assume that people will care that you're retiring FIVE YEARS FROM NOW. Mark your calendars. Ridiculous.
This follows (hold on a second. Hooolld up. I JUST heard the most annoying, overdone cell phone ring ever. It's that doodoodoodoo, doodoodoodoo, doodoodoodoo DOO from Love Actually. I want to drive a nail into my head every time it freakin rings. Whoever sells that needs to retire THAT one, for godsake)... back to Oprah. This "Let me Announce my retirement ten billion times" follows the same type of behavior she's now been displaying for some time, and it's about time somebody called her on it. Might as well be me. Here's the thing about Oprah: I like her. I really do. I have a lot of respect for a woman who has made herself into a freakin world-wide name like that. Plus, she has pretty good shows most of the time. I admit it. I'm an Oprah-watcher.
Still, what gets me is this: she has this Hermes battle going on right now, which (OH MY GOD THAT STUPID RING AGAIN) is a little insane. Granted, I know absolutely nothing really about this, given that I wasn't at Hermes, and I don't know Oprah, but whatever. Apparently, Oprah showed up at Hermes after it had closed, like by ten minutes, and wanted to go in to buy a watch for freakin Tina Turner. She wasn't allowed in. She says it was bad and that there was some racism included in the customer service send off. If that's the case, that's bad, obviously. But here's the thing: if I show up at Hermes, fifteen minutes after close, and I want to buy a watch for my friend, they're not going to let me in. Hell, if I show up during the day to buy a watch for my friend it's unsure whether they'd let me in. So how come Oprah should get the rules bent?
Oh, right, because she's OPRAH. Hermes is very stupid though because now everyone will hate them if Oprah says so, and plus, nobody can ever figure out whether it's Her-mezz, or Hermies.
And last, about Oprah: she hosted this Legends Ball to honor all these African-American women who really contributed to society. Great idea in concept. She had this huge party, where she ordered that it was a black and white ball, so people had to wear either black or white. That was it. What does she show up in? A bright red dress. Bright freakin red. The legends she's honoring? Have to be in black or white. Oprah? Red.
Wait, one more thing. Well I'm at it, I was once watching the Daytime Emmy Awards (I know, I know, why?!?) and when they were giving out the award for best talk show, Oprah gave it out and said that she had "removed" herself from being eligible, because she had won so many times. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?! That's like saying, "These people are beneath me." It's like, "I'm saying that no matter what, I automatically win and beat all of you, so this award is really like, 'Who's second best?' " Insane. Whoever let her do this is ridiculous.
Then again, she can't claim getting an Emmy since like 1995 or whatever. Actually, you know what? I bet she just assumes she would have won, so none of it matters. I bet if she actually asked the Emmy people to make her an award for every year just because, they would give serious consideration to it. I'll give her an Emmy. An Emmy for Worst Diva Behavior Ever.
And you know what kills me more than anything? This woman's always like, "yessss, I looove Walmart." Bullshit. She hasn't been in a Walmart, since, like, 1980. Don't give me that crap.
FRR: B- + adjustment for diva behavior = C - -
Ahhhhh it feels good to be back.
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