The Grump
Earlier tonight I was in the worst mood. I don't think I've been in this bad a mood in a pretty long time. My friend had emailed me about getting dinner, and though I couldn't make it anyway, I actually did not call him back because I thought the first thing I would say was, "I'm the grumpiest I've been in such a long time, I don't want to spend time with me," and you know what? It would have been true.
I didn't feel like doing much besides just laying around, but I couldn't because I had made plans to go to the gym at 7 pm, not a good move. I should know better, but whatever, I make mistakes. (Really?! Do I?!?) So I get myself looking slightly better than death, which involves wearing a baseball hat. I go to open the door and get outside, and my hat literally flies right off my head. It fell on the floor of Warren, which would have been nasty enough, but then I couldn't find it so I stepped on it a few times with my muddy sneaker, just to pack the dirt right in there. I think I actually growled. I really might have, I was so frustrated with everything. Then I got my bag stuck on the door handle. Yeah. So the poor old guy trying to come in to Warren through my door had to wait for me to have my spasm and then the poor guy actually held the door for me, like I was some invalid. Which, by the way, at that point? I probably looked the part.
So then, I was thinking, hmm, maybe I should cut my losses right now and take the T, because I'm feeling like death and I almost always get hit by a car and today might be the day when I have to remove the almost from that little phrase. And that's when I think that I have my first stroke of good luck of the night, when the T magically is coming right towards the T stop. And then I meet the morons who are my fellow T passengers. These two guys are basically screaming the merits of (no joke) tuna fish vs. salmon. They're seriously having this debate. And then the woman sitting in the seat I'm standing next to, well, she decides to basically sit in the aisle and her bag keeps hitting me over and over again until it takes every inch of me not to slap it right back at her. See, here's the thing: normal day? This stuff doesn't get to me. (Okay, so that's a slight lie. But it doesn't get to me in the same "I'm going to explode right now" way.) Thank god my stop came quickly, and I was on my way out of the T when some big stupid girl tried to push right past me ON to the T. I seriously felt my head about to explode. I felt like I was literally going to combust, right there on the T steps. Then let's see how fast this stupid freak gets to her next appointment. AND! She was carrying with her a white cane, so I thought she was blind. And that's the only thing that made me not glare at her (for real - no pun intended. I've glared at blind people before. Umm... yeah, that sounded WAAAAY worse than I had thought.). Well well well, I turn back around, and guess what? She's not blind! It's some stupid prop. Here's my issue: I bet that girl USED that cane because she KNEW that people would think she's blind so she would get away with everything. She thought she was a real Jamie Foxx (tough sell on the joke, I know, I know). I think that officially makes her, like, a horrible person.
This is all conjecture, though, which could make ME the horrible person. Who knows. I was too grumpy to figure it out.
That's another thing. I want a Grumpy dwarf stuffed animal. I'm set on it. When I go to Disney World sometime, whenever I actually get there, I'm buying myself a Grumpy one. I bet not that many people buy him, and plus, at Disney? Can you see the irony in getting a Grumpy guy in the happiest place in the world? I love it. Plus, the word grumpy is ridiculously good, and being grumpy might be a little less painful if you could look at some ugly dwarf whose NAME was actually Grumpy. I'm not sure why this makes me so happy, but maybe Walt really knew what he was doing. Anyway, I might name my dog Grumpy.
And here's possibly the saddest thing of the day: you know what cured me of my grumpy day? At the gym, the movie they were playing was "First Daughter," the funniest unintentionally funny movie EVER. Right off the charts. It was at the end, when the First Family is at some Christmas ball, and Katie Holmes is wearing a low-cut dress. Her dad, the PRESIDENT, definitely takes a good look at her chest before telling her, "Well, honey, we're proud of you." In addition, Katie Holmes - playing an 18 year old - gives her father wicked profound advice, saying, "Well, I think there's nothing more important than taking care of home." Cue the barf music. Puh-leaze. But, I have to love the end when Katie Holmes leaves the White House lawn (what? no security suddenly?) in this little bug car like she's going to drive all the way to her freaking college, right in her ball gown. No license. No bag. Nothing. Loooove it.
You know the only bad thing about watching "First Daughter" at the gym? You're watching it with headphones, and there are like three other screens that everyone might be watching. So it's tough to laugh or smirk when you're running on a treadmill because you might look like you're dying or something, so you can't do that because trainers will come over and ask if you're okay and you have to just say that you're laughing at Katie Holmes on First Daughter, and they don't really get it unless they stick around to hear the whole explanation or unless they've seen the whole movie - both unlikely. So that's just a bad thing that might happen to you. You might also get some pretty weird looks from the person next to you. Also possible.
Anyhow. That was my grumpy experience. I wasn't so grumpy when I left the gym, which is either because of endorphins or because I was too exhausted. I'm going with the latter, because I'm not some super-gym freak. And trust me, I see a lot of them. But here's the thing: right when I was back home, as I was coming in, what do I do? I step in a giant puddle, get all frustrated at soaking my sneakers, and I drop my dinner sandwich-wrap, in a paper bag, right in the puddle. The truth is, it didn't taste bad because I picked it up within like 15 seconds of dropping and D'Angelos puts some aluminum stuff wrapped around it. I never thought I'd say it, but those people are geniuses. They saved my day. And possibly my life. And possibly the lives of anyone around me, who would have been subject to the explosion when I spontaneously combusted right there.
I didn't feel like doing much besides just laying around, but I couldn't because I had made plans to go to the gym at 7 pm, not a good move. I should know better, but whatever, I make mistakes. (Really?! Do I?!?) So I get myself looking slightly better than death, which involves wearing a baseball hat. I go to open the door and get outside, and my hat literally flies right off my head. It fell on the floor of Warren, which would have been nasty enough, but then I couldn't find it so I stepped on it a few times with my muddy sneaker, just to pack the dirt right in there. I think I actually growled. I really might have, I was so frustrated with everything. Then I got my bag stuck on the door handle. Yeah. So the poor old guy trying to come in to Warren through my door had to wait for me to have my spasm and then the poor guy actually held the door for me, like I was some invalid. Which, by the way, at that point? I probably looked the part.
So then, I was thinking, hmm, maybe I should cut my losses right now and take the T, because I'm feeling like death and I almost always get hit by a car and today might be the day when I have to remove the almost from that little phrase. And that's when I think that I have my first stroke of good luck of the night, when the T magically is coming right towards the T stop. And then I meet the morons who are my fellow T passengers. These two guys are basically screaming the merits of (no joke) tuna fish vs. salmon. They're seriously having this debate. And then the woman sitting in the seat I'm standing next to, well, she decides to basically sit in the aisle and her bag keeps hitting me over and over again until it takes every inch of me not to slap it right back at her. See, here's the thing: normal day? This stuff doesn't get to me. (Okay, so that's a slight lie. But it doesn't get to me in the same "I'm going to explode right now" way.) Thank god my stop came quickly, and I was on my way out of the T when some big stupid girl tried to push right past me ON to the T. I seriously felt my head about to explode. I felt like I was literally going to combust, right there on the T steps. Then let's see how fast this stupid freak gets to her next appointment. AND! She was carrying with her a white cane, so I thought she was blind. And that's the only thing that made me not glare at her (for real - no pun intended. I've glared at blind people before. Umm... yeah, that sounded WAAAAY worse than I had thought.). Well well well, I turn back around, and guess what? She's not blind! It's some stupid prop. Here's my issue: I bet that girl USED that cane because she KNEW that people would think she's blind so she would get away with everything. She thought she was a real Jamie Foxx (tough sell on the joke, I know, I know). I think that officially makes her, like, a horrible person.
This is all conjecture, though, which could make ME the horrible person. Who knows. I was too grumpy to figure it out.
That's another thing. I want a Grumpy dwarf stuffed animal. I'm set on it. When I go to Disney World sometime, whenever I actually get there, I'm buying myself a Grumpy one. I bet not that many people buy him, and plus, at Disney? Can you see the irony in getting a Grumpy guy in the happiest place in the world? I love it. Plus, the word grumpy is ridiculously good, and being grumpy might be a little less painful if you could look at some ugly dwarf whose NAME was actually Grumpy. I'm not sure why this makes me so happy, but maybe Walt really knew what he was doing. Anyway, I might name my dog Grumpy.
And here's possibly the saddest thing of the day: you know what cured me of my grumpy day? At the gym, the movie they were playing was "First Daughter," the funniest unintentionally funny movie EVER. Right off the charts. It was at the end, when the First Family is at some Christmas ball, and Katie Holmes is wearing a low-cut dress. Her dad, the PRESIDENT, definitely takes a good look at her chest before telling her, "Well, honey, we're proud of you." In addition, Katie Holmes - playing an 18 year old - gives her father wicked profound advice, saying, "Well, I think there's nothing more important than taking care of home." Cue the barf music. Puh-leaze. But, I have to love the end when Katie Holmes leaves the White House lawn (what? no security suddenly?) in this little bug car like she's going to drive all the way to her freaking college, right in her ball gown. No license. No bag. Nothing. Loooove it.
You know the only bad thing about watching "First Daughter" at the gym? You're watching it with headphones, and there are like three other screens that everyone might be watching. So it's tough to laugh or smirk when you're running on a treadmill because you might look like you're dying or something, so you can't do that because trainers will come over and ask if you're okay and you have to just say that you're laughing at Katie Holmes on First Daughter, and they don't really get it unless they stick around to hear the whole explanation or unless they've seen the whole movie - both unlikely. So that's just a bad thing that might happen to you. You might also get some pretty weird looks from the person next to you. Also possible.
Anyhow. That was my grumpy experience. I wasn't so grumpy when I left the gym, which is either because of endorphins or because I was too exhausted. I'm going with the latter, because I'm not some super-gym freak. And trust me, I see a lot of them. But here's the thing: right when I was back home, as I was coming in, what do I do? I step in a giant puddle, get all frustrated at soaking my sneakers, and I drop my dinner sandwich-wrap, in a paper bag, right in the puddle. The truth is, it didn't taste bad because I picked it up within like 15 seconds of dropping and D'Angelos puts some aluminum stuff wrapped around it. I never thought I'd say it, but those people are geniuses. They saved my day. And possibly my life. And possibly the lives of anyone around me, who would have been subject to the explosion when I spontaneously combusted right there.
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