The Braces Clusterfuck
Tonight I went to a concert with about 1000 sixteen year old girls and 200 of their fathers. Don't ask. It wasn't on purpose, and the concert itself turned out fine, but I have the following observations about concert behavior:
First, I don't like wicked crowded places. And second, I really don't like wicked crowded places when the music isn't THAT great. Basically, if I'm going to be eating someone's hair, I would like to at least be enjoying the music that is causing the whole clusterfuck. And that word, ps, is the only one appropriate for what was happening tonight: a total clusterfuck. With braces.
I once went to an NSYNC concert (again, don't ask) and the girls there were about 8, so it was more manageable. I think it's a good rule to avoid any venue where there's more than a good chance that you're going to run into more than 50 people with braces. It's the braces bracket - between like 12 and 17 - that you want to shoot yourself. Or, really, them. But anyhow, at the NSYNC concert, I made friends with the little kids in front of me who were talking about how they loved Justin Timberlake. There was one poor girl, so misguided, that she liked Joey Fatone the best. So sad. But the point is, they were screaming and all, but it was half-cute because they were like, up to my waist and didn't have braces. It's a whole different story when they're about eight years older, and they think that some guy on a WB show is the hottest guy ever, and they think that they're the coolest people ever, and they have braces. Plus, they didn't even get the "Boy Meets World" joke when the kid who played Minkus came on stage. That was really depressing. I felt pretty old to be, like, the only person laughing, when I really shouldn't have been. Oh, and ultra-not-cool, one girl was putting in her rubber bands in her mouth as she was watching the concert because she had opened her mouth sooo wide to scream that it had popped, and so she had to replace it. She was actually carrying a Braces Repair Kit in her sequined bag. Huge sign of trouble for me.
Aside from the braces-wearing-crowd were about 200 of their parents, plus about 50 random people, like me and my friend, who were duped into believing that Gavin DeGraw would be performing. I now officially hate the WB, by the way. Anyway, this group brought some entertainment with them. The best parent scenario happened right next to me, where there were these two dads. One of them was a total DILF. I mean, seriously, the guy was hot. A lot of others noticed it, and I'm pretty certain a few minors noticed it as well, but because he was, oh, about 40, wearing a wedding ring, and there with his daughter and her friends and another dad-chaperone, nobody was really doing anything about it besides making the obligatory, "Total DILF" acknolwedgement to their friend. Well, everyone, that is, except for this one weirdo (approximate age: 21) who for about 30 minutes, totally entertained me with the most awkward moves ever. EVER. It took me a few minutes to realize that this girl wasn't just being friendly, but that she was actually hoping that this guy would be like, "hey, you wanna see my minivan?" and when I realized that, the concert's enjoyment level skyrocketed. In addition to watching their completely stilted interaction, it was also enjoyable to watch the other dad, considerably less of a DILF, be the awkward third-wheel. And best of all, at the end of the concert, the girl gave this send off, in her attempt to bond with his daughter (score points with the family!): "Tell your daughter she's got a wicked cool dad." Wink. Hotttt.
Equally entertaining was this group of two girls and two guys who met in front of us, danced in front of us, made out in front of us, and declared their love for each other (no, seriously) in front of us. They were, oh, about 16, and apparently had found their soulmates at a WB concert. (Can you SEE this as a most memorable moment in a future yearbook?) "I can't believe I met you!" said one of the girls. "I can't believe I met YOU!" said the guy in return. "I totally have to thank my dad for driving us in," said the other girl. "Me too!" said the other guy. "I love your braces," said one guy. "I love yours too," said the girl. (Okay, so that part of the exchange didn't happen. But it COULD have, which is my point.) "You think we'll stay together?" asked the first girl. "I'm committed," said the other guy. (Should be true.) Oh I love teenage love. So beautiful. (If I could, I would put a big old braces-smiley right here. Really, I should email AIM and tell them to add some braces to that fat grin of theirs.)
Considerably less enjoyable was the signature concert move, which was made multiple times tonight, when couples make out to some random song that they have never heard but just becuase it happens to be a slow one, must have some sort of romantic undertone and therefore is a suitable declaration of their love for each other. This move usually entails the girl leaning back against her boyfriend, and the boyfriend starting to sing the chorus in her ear. Totally nauseating. I'm not just saying that. It's just ridiculous, especially when the song lyrics go, "And I told you this was the end/Please believe me that I'm done/I can't be with anyone." I love watching couples dance to that like it's Endless Love. (Random sidenote: WTF is with people choosing "My Heart Will Go On" and "With OR Without You" as their wedding song? The world is really populated with morons.)
And completely unacceptable: this girl in braces (of course) turns around halfway through the concert and goes, "Hey, can you buy me a drink?" When I looked at her like she was from outerspace, or at least the suburbs, she didn't even blink. So I had to actually tell her no. Sure, kiddo. Nobody in braces should be drinking an alcoholic beverage. Seriously, can you imagine someone with a metal-mouth ordering Merlot? Totally ridiculous. So if you're 15, and you're asking for a drink, at least hide your braces. Good god. (I just realized braces are nothing compared to headgear. My friend Liz won the award for best comment of sophomore year: "I wish someone on our floor had headgear." We spent about 15 minutes selling our souls to the Devil and discussing why it would be so much fun.) Not that I would have bought her a drink if she didn't have braces, but don't you think the braces should be a pretty obvious sign to her that her request is borderline insane? I think so.
One last thing: the clothes that 15 year olds wear are ridiculous. I sound like I'm eighty, but I don't even care. As always, it all goes back to the braces: if you're wearing braces, don't wear pointy-toed high heeled shoes that you're wobbling in. Don't wear lingerie tops if you're going to the orthodontist. I wonder, I really do wonder, how these girls can think that this is a hot look, when the smile in the mirror and see chunks of metal shining back at them? Isn't that a hint - I'm not that cool? I mean, I think that every day of my life, and I don't even have braces.
In the end, maybe braces are good for teenagers to have. Most of the time, they think they are the coolest people ever, and so maybe once in a while, if they get one of those wires loose and have it constantly poking them in the side of the mouth, they'll be reminded of their dorkiness. Or if they get food stuck in their wires, they'll realize they aren't as smooth as they think. Or whenever their orthodontist asks them if they want to color-code them for Easter (umm, yes, as kids, we actually had black-and-orange braces for Halloween. How cool can you REALLY be?), they can be humbled - if even momentarily. Plus, it always puts the whole thing in perspective when I see some girl completely bitch out a bouncer for not letting her order a drink when she turns around and shouts at her friend that the bouncer is a total "lame ass motherfucker" and I see metal glaring back at her audience.
Someone should give an award to orthodontists for this stuff. If my kid ever gives me trouble and starts acting like he's too cool for school, I'm taking him right down to the orthodontist's office and making him get headgear. Even if he doesn't need it. I'll make him walk around for a day or two (well, I probably won't have the heart to do that. Maybe like ten minutes) and he'll see how cool he really is. That has to be, like, the best punishment ever.
These ideas can only come from experiences like tonight's. I think they should rename the tour. Forget One Tree Hill. The show isn't that great, and the music isn't either. They should bill it for what it is: a complete braces clusterfuck, in all its glory. Even I might buy a ticket for that.
First, I don't like wicked crowded places. And second, I really don't like wicked crowded places when the music isn't THAT great. Basically, if I'm going to be eating someone's hair, I would like to at least be enjoying the music that is causing the whole clusterfuck. And that word, ps, is the only one appropriate for what was happening tonight: a total clusterfuck. With braces.
I once went to an NSYNC concert (again, don't ask) and the girls there were about 8, so it was more manageable. I think it's a good rule to avoid any venue where there's more than a good chance that you're going to run into more than 50 people with braces. It's the braces bracket - between like 12 and 17 - that you want to shoot yourself. Or, really, them. But anyhow, at the NSYNC concert, I made friends with the little kids in front of me who were talking about how they loved Justin Timberlake. There was one poor girl, so misguided, that she liked Joey Fatone the best. So sad. But the point is, they were screaming and all, but it was half-cute because they were like, up to my waist and didn't have braces. It's a whole different story when they're about eight years older, and they think that some guy on a WB show is the hottest guy ever, and they think that they're the coolest people ever, and they have braces. Plus, they didn't even get the "Boy Meets World" joke when the kid who played Minkus came on stage. That was really depressing. I felt pretty old to be, like, the only person laughing, when I really shouldn't have been. Oh, and ultra-not-cool, one girl was putting in her rubber bands in her mouth as she was watching the concert because she had opened her mouth sooo wide to scream that it had popped, and so she had to replace it. She was actually carrying a Braces Repair Kit in her sequined bag. Huge sign of trouble for me.
Aside from the braces-wearing-crowd were about 200 of their parents, plus about 50 random people, like me and my friend, who were duped into believing that Gavin DeGraw would be performing. I now officially hate the WB, by the way. Anyway, this group brought some entertainment with them. The best parent scenario happened right next to me, where there were these two dads. One of them was a total DILF. I mean, seriously, the guy was hot. A lot of others noticed it, and I'm pretty certain a few minors noticed it as well, but because he was, oh, about 40, wearing a wedding ring, and there with his daughter and her friends and another dad-chaperone, nobody was really doing anything about it besides making the obligatory, "Total DILF" acknolwedgement to their friend. Well, everyone, that is, except for this one weirdo (approximate age: 21) who for about 30 minutes, totally entertained me with the most awkward moves ever. EVER. It took me a few minutes to realize that this girl wasn't just being friendly, but that she was actually hoping that this guy would be like, "hey, you wanna see my minivan?" and when I realized that, the concert's enjoyment level skyrocketed. In addition to watching their completely stilted interaction, it was also enjoyable to watch the other dad, considerably less of a DILF, be the awkward third-wheel. And best of all, at the end of the concert, the girl gave this send off, in her attempt to bond with his daughter (score points with the family!): "Tell your daughter she's got a wicked cool dad." Wink. Hotttt.
Equally entertaining was this group of two girls and two guys who met in front of us, danced in front of us, made out in front of us, and declared their love for each other (no, seriously) in front of us. They were, oh, about 16, and apparently had found their soulmates at a WB concert. (Can you SEE this as a most memorable moment in a future yearbook?) "I can't believe I met you!" said one of the girls. "I can't believe I met YOU!" said the guy in return. "I totally have to thank my dad for driving us in," said the other girl. "Me too!" said the other guy. "I love your braces," said one guy. "I love yours too," said the girl. (Okay, so that part of the exchange didn't happen. But it COULD have, which is my point.) "You think we'll stay together?" asked the first girl. "I'm committed," said the other guy. (Should be true.) Oh I love teenage love. So beautiful. (If I could, I would put a big old braces-smiley right here. Really, I should email AIM and tell them to add some braces to that fat grin of theirs.)
Considerably less enjoyable was the signature concert move, which was made multiple times tonight, when couples make out to some random song that they have never heard but just becuase it happens to be a slow one, must have some sort of romantic undertone and therefore is a suitable declaration of their love for each other. This move usually entails the girl leaning back against her boyfriend, and the boyfriend starting to sing the chorus in her ear. Totally nauseating. I'm not just saying that. It's just ridiculous, especially when the song lyrics go, "And I told you this was the end/Please believe me that I'm done/I can't be with anyone." I love watching couples dance to that like it's Endless Love. (Random sidenote: WTF is with people choosing "My Heart Will Go On" and "With OR Without You" as their wedding song? The world is really populated with morons.)
And completely unacceptable: this girl in braces (of course) turns around halfway through the concert and goes, "Hey, can you buy me a drink?" When I looked at her like she was from outerspace, or at least the suburbs, she didn't even blink. So I had to actually tell her no. Sure, kiddo. Nobody in braces should be drinking an alcoholic beverage. Seriously, can you imagine someone with a metal-mouth ordering Merlot? Totally ridiculous. So if you're 15, and you're asking for a drink, at least hide your braces. Good god. (I just realized braces are nothing compared to headgear. My friend Liz won the award for best comment of sophomore year: "I wish someone on our floor had headgear." We spent about 15 minutes selling our souls to the Devil and discussing why it would be so much fun.) Not that I would have bought her a drink if she didn't have braces, but don't you think the braces should be a pretty obvious sign to her that her request is borderline insane? I think so.
One last thing: the clothes that 15 year olds wear are ridiculous. I sound like I'm eighty, but I don't even care. As always, it all goes back to the braces: if you're wearing braces, don't wear pointy-toed high heeled shoes that you're wobbling in. Don't wear lingerie tops if you're going to the orthodontist. I wonder, I really do wonder, how these girls can think that this is a hot look, when the smile in the mirror and see chunks of metal shining back at them? Isn't that a hint - I'm not that cool? I mean, I think that every day of my life, and I don't even have braces.
In the end, maybe braces are good for teenagers to have. Most of the time, they think they are the coolest people ever, and so maybe once in a while, if they get one of those wires loose and have it constantly poking them in the side of the mouth, they'll be reminded of their dorkiness. Or if they get food stuck in their wires, they'll realize they aren't as smooth as they think. Or whenever their orthodontist asks them if they want to color-code them for Easter (umm, yes, as kids, we actually had black-and-orange braces for Halloween. How cool can you REALLY be?), they can be humbled - if even momentarily. Plus, it always puts the whole thing in perspective when I see some girl completely bitch out a bouncer for not letting her order a drink when she turns around and shouts at her friend that the bouncer is a total "lame ass motherfucker" and I see metal glaring back at her audience.
Someone should give an award to orthodontists for this stuff. If my kid ever gives me trouble and starts acting like he's too cool for school, I'm taking him right down to the orthodontist's office and making him get headgear. Even if he doesn't need it. I'll make him walk around for a day or two (well, I probably won't have the heart to do that. Maybe like ten minutes) and he'll see how cool he really is. That has to be, like, the best punishment ever.
These ideas can only come from experiences like tonight's. I think they should rename the tour. Forget One Tree Hill. The show isn't that great, and the music isn't either. They should bill it for what it is: a complete braces clusterfuck, in all its glory. Even I might buy a ticket for that.
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