Lardy Situations
Let me begin this by saying I have absolutely nothing against larders. I don't mind extra poundage on anybody. There are people who really can't deal with fat people, and that just makes me sad to be honest. I love a good fat person. I really do.
Anyhow, there are, however, a couple of things that make me upset about Lard. You don't have to be lardy to do these things, but if you are, it just makes it even worse, and makes me even more sad and depressed about the state of lard.
Situation 1: The Vending Machine
We've all been there. You're starving, you've got another four hours of class before any hope of nutritional sustenence. It's either go with the vending machine snack or force yourself to do weird stomach muscle contractions to avoid having your stomach participate more in discussion than you have all semester. No matter how lardy you are, if you're hungry, your stomach's telling you. (Stomach is such an ugly word, but tummy is so dumb.)
Anyhow, so you're standing there, dollar in hand, facing the machine. You can hear that stupid "Why wait... grab a Snickers" theme song, with the football pregame meeting running through your head. And here's where the lardy situation really gets me.
Normal people will just punch the button, get their Snickers bar, and solve the issue.
Freaks will do the following:
1. Agonize in front of the machine, trying to look like they're really deciding between water and Diet Coke.
2. Covertly place their dollar in the vending machine. Comment/Mumble that "there's nothing healthy in these stupid machines... but I haven't eaten all day... gonna die... fainting nowwww.... haven't studies proven that fatty chocolate really boosts your metabolism...."
3. Punch the input for the king-size larder Snickers bar.
4. Look around guiltily, then lean down and get the Snickers bar, sucking in their stomach the entire time.
5. Go over to some random person and say, "Stupid machine. I punched in for the non-fat pretzels, you know? And look what they give me! Now what am I supposed to do!"
6. Guzzzzzzle the Snickers.
Drives me nuts.
Situation #2: The Fatty Explainer
This is kind of along the same lines. But it takes place usually in a restaurant. You're with someone who really wants to just get the fried chicken platter. Or the chocolate cake for dessert. Or, heck, both. The situation also comes up with you're with someone who's eating their meal with such conviction and fervor that you feel compelled to warn them that the plate's not edible.
Here's what the person says:
"Ugh... I am so hungry. I worked out today for like fifteen hours, on the highest intensity, doing all six machines at once. I swear, I've worked out every day this week. Like a madwoman, I'm telling you it's nuts. I haven't eaten anything all day except one Cheerio with extra skim milk. And I've walked everywhere. We walked from the car to here, I didn't even have you drop me off. I mean, I figure I can eat the fried chicken, right? I've only done this, what, once every five years. Yeah, so I guess I'll get that chocolate cake too. I mean, are you going to be bad too? Please? Don't get that salad. You don't want a salad. No... come on, get those ribs. You deserve it."
Again, why not just order the chicken, eat it, and shut up? I hate hate hate when I go out with some girls and they justify their dinner order by telling me exactly what they've eaten and exactly how many calories they've burned so they can stuff down some buffalo wings. Eat them. Without telling me that you'll throw them up later.
Situation #3: I'm So Fat Syndrome
A disclaimer: this has absolutely nothing to do with girls saying they're fat. I'm not touching that subject. Ever.
But I will say this: don't say you're fat while you're eating it.
I cannot deal with the people who say to me, "God, I am so fat," while they're double-fisting the doughnuts. I love it. Because the truth is, they want you to say, "Nooooo... you're so skinny, eat another two doughnuts... you can afford it."
Riiiight. The next time somebody says that to me while eating a five-scoop ice cream sundae, I'm gonna tell it like it is. So help me.
Situation #4: Skinny Assholitis
This happens when you have a skinny person with a fat person. The skinny person clearly understands she's skinnier than the fat person; the fat person clearly gets that she's fatter than skinny bones, just like the rest of the world.
Skinny girl says, "I'm so fat."
That girl should die.
Or gain like a gazillion pounds by her thirties so that her ass needs its own two legs to get by.
Situation #5: Add some Lard to that, Please/Hold the lard
Here's what gets me. I'll go out and get a turkey sandwich, and some loser gets the salad bar, and claims that she's wicked healthy. So she'll go up to the salad bar, and she'll come back with her plate piled high with cheese, bacon bits, ranch dressing, and mounds of potato and pasta salads. Riiiiight.
Or the person who asks for butter on the side with their breakfast of pancakes, sausage, corned beef hash or whatever that crap is, and toast. Could I get that toast unbuttered? Thanks, can't deal with all that added fat.
People kill me.
Anyhow, there are, however, a couple of things that make me upset about Lard. You don't have to be lardy to do these things, but if you are, it just makes it even worse, and makes me even more sad and depressed about the state of lard.
Situation 1: The Vending Machine
We've all been there. You're starving, you've got another four hours of class before any hope of nutritional sustenence. It's either go with the vending machine snack or force yourself to do weird stomach muscle contractions to avoid having your stomach participate more in discussion than you have all semester. No matter how lardy you are, if you're hungry, your stomach's telling you. (Stomach is such an ugly word, but tummy is so dumb.)
Anyhow, so you're standing there, dollar in hand, facing the machine. You can hear that stupid "Why wait... grab a Snickers" theme song, with the football pregame meeting running through your head. And here's where the lardy situation really gets me.
Normal people will just punch the button, get their Snickers bar, and solve the issue.
Freaks will do the following:
1. Agonize in front of the machine, trying to look like they're really deciding between water and Diet Coke.
2. Covertly place their dollar in the vending machine. Comment/Mumble that "there's nothing healthy in these stupid machines... but I haven't eaten all day... gonna die... fainting nowwww.... haven't studies proven that fatty chocolate really boosts your metabolism...."
3. Punch the input for the king-size larder Snickers bar.
4. Look around guiltily, then lean down and get the Snickers bar, sucking in their stomach the entire time.
5. Go over to some random person and say, "Stupid machine. I punched in for the non-fat pretzels, you know? And look what they give me! Now what am I supposed to do!"
6. Guzzzzzzle the Snickers.
Drives me nuts.
Situation #2: The Fatty Explainer
This is kind of along the same lines. But it takes place usually in a restaurant. You're with someone who really wants to just get the fried chicken platter. Or the chocolate cake for dessert. Or, heck, both. The situation also comes up with you're with someone who's eating their meal with such conviction and fervor that you feel compelled to warn them that the plate's not edible.
Here's what the person says:
"Ugh... I am so hungry. I worked out today for like fifteen hours, on the highest intensity, doing all six machines at once. I swear, I've worked out every day this week. Like a madwoman, I'm telling you it's nuts. I haven't eaten anything all day except one Cheerio with extra skim milk. And I've walked everywhere. We walked from the car to here, I didn't even have you drop me off. I mean, I figure I can eat the fried chicken, right? I've only done this, what, once every five years. Yeah, so I guess I'll get that chocolate cake too. I mean, are you going to be bad too? Please? Don't get that salad. You don't want a salad. No... come on, get those ribs. You deserve it."
Again, why not just order the chicken, eat it, and shut up? I hate hate hate when I go out with some girls and they justify their dinner order by telling me exactly what they've eaten and exactly how many calories they've burned so they can stuff down some buffalo wings. Eat them. Without telling me that you'll throw them up later.
Situation #3: I'm So Fat Syndrome
A disclaimer: this has absolutely nothing to do with girls saying they're fat. I'm not touching that subject. Ever.
But I will say this: don't say you're fat while you're eating it.
I cannot deal with the people who say to me, "God, I am so fat," while they're double-fisting the doughnuts. I love it. Because the truth is, they want you to say, "Nooooo... you're so skinny, eat another two doughnuts... you can afford it."
Riiiight. The next time somebody says that to me while eating a five-scoop ice cream sundae, I'm gonna tell it like it is. So help me.
Situation #4: Skinny Assholitis
This happens when you have a skinny person with a fat person. The skinny person clearly understands she's skinnier than the fat person; the fat person clearly gets that she's fatter than skinny bones, just like the rest of the world.
Skinny girl says, "I'm so fat."
That girl should die.
Or gain like a gazillion pounds by her thirties so that her ass needs its own two legs to get by.
Situation #5: Add some Lard to that, Please/Hold the lard
Here's what gets me. I'll go out and get a turkey sandwich, and some loser gets the salad bar, and claims that she's wicked healthy. So she'll go up to the salad bar, and she'll come back with her plate piled high with cheese, bacon bits, ranch dressing, and mounds of potato and pasta salads. Riiiiight.
Or the person who asks for butter on the side with their breakfast of pancakes, sausage, corned beef hash or whatever that crap is, and toast. Could I get that toast unbuttered? Thanks, can't deal with all that added fat.
People kill me.
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