Welcome to the Freakin Forest
What's it like to be a Red Sox fan? Let me tell you what it's like to be a Red Sox fan. Let me TELL you.
It's like this. You finally think your team has a chance to win it all this year. You finally believe that they can beat the Yankees. You finally think George Steinbrenner will be the one crying after Game 7. You feel it. You get a little confident. Even that confidence scares you, because you know - they're the Yankees, for Chrissake. They don't lose. They're the Yankees.
But you can't help it. You're too excited to stop. You're too into it. We have Schilling. We have Pedro. We have Ortiz and Manny. We have Gold Glove-caliber infielders. I mean, where does this team go wrong? It's too good to be true, right?
Well, as it turns out, RIGHT!
Here's what happens to a Red Sox fan: you die. You really die. There's no other word for it. You just fall apart. I mean, I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. Talk to a Sox fan today. They're dead inside. It's like somebody told you that Christmas was cancelled this year because Santa Claus broke his arm or something. Seriously. No Christmas folks. Maybe next year. Wait until next year.
Two days ago, I was excited. I was ON. Remember that airport scene in Jerry Maguire, where Jerry tells Rod that two days ago, he was hot, and then he lost the number one draft pick the night before the draft? And now he's cloked in failure? Remember that? Well, welcome to the Red Sox. Two days ago, they were ready. They were going. Sox in Six. Sox in Six. SOX IN SIX! Now what? They return to Fenway, down two games. Their ace? They lost him, the night before the ALCS.
Let's talk about Curt Schilling. Let's TALK about Curt Schilling. I'm saying everything twice because at first I say it at normal volume and then I basically scream it. That's how it is, when I'm talking about the Sox today. That's how it IS, okay?!
So Curt Schilling has the worst bullpen session of his career, and what does Franfreakincona do? Does he say, "Pedro, you're going today, Arroyo tomorrow, we'll rest Schilling and see what happens"? No. Nah. Why do that? I mean, why potentially save your staff ace? Why save him? Why not just throw him out there, and hey, knowing he's battling the issue, why not just leave the guy floundering out there for three innings and six runs? I mean, really, Ter, why actually manage a team? Why do it?
Can you sense the anger? Seriously, CAN you?!
How about the fact that there was ONE good at-bat last night? Johnny Damon's 15-pitch at-bat was the only highlight of the game. Really. I mean, he was the only one who actually made Leiber pitch. While Martinez had thrown, oh I don't know, a good 1000 pitches, Leiber's throwing maybe 17. 15 of those went to Damon.
How about Bellhorn? How about BELLHORN?! APPLY THE TAG. Pokey Reese, sit on the bench. Sit on the bench, Poke. We don't need your Gold Glove. We need the Strikeout King. Todd Walker wasn't good enough, Theo? TODD WALKER WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH?!
Someone could legitimately send me to anger management class right this second, and I would have no good case against it.
The Sox. The goddamn Red Sox. They kill me. They really do. I want so much to believe that they'll battle back in Games 3, 4, and 5 at Fenway, but do you realize that the Yankees only have to win a game at Fenway in order to be in ridiculous shape? A single game. The Sox? They ahve to sweep. Riiiiight. RIIIIIGHT.
Oh, and what's that? Schilling's not available for Game 5? REALLY! There's a shocker. Only the Red Sox. Only the Red Sox would have their ace blow out his tendon during the playoffs, during the most important time of the season. Does anybody get the gravity of this situation: the Red Sox went out and got Curt Schilling SO THAT HE COULD PITCH IN THE POSTSEASON. Wait, let me say that again: THE RED SOX GOT CURT SCHILLING SO THAT HE COULD PITCH IN THE POSTSEASON.
We're so dead.
I'm hoping that I'm wrong. I'm hoping that I'm so dead wrong that I'm embarrassed, but I don't know. All I do know is that suddenly, that stupid hill metaphor is kicking me in the ass and there are trees everywhere I freaking look.
It's like this. You finally think your team has a chance to win it all this year. You finally believe that they can beat the Yankees. You finally think George Steinbrenner will be the one crying after Game 7. You feel it. You get a little confident. Even that confidence scares you, because you know - they're the Yankees, for Chrissake. They don't lose. They're the Yankees.
But you can't help it. You're too excited to stop. You're too into it. We have Schilling. We have Pedro. We have Ortiz and Manny. We have Gold Glove-caliber infielders. I mean, where does this team go wrong? It's too good to be true, right?
Well, as it turns out, RIGHT!
Here's what happens to a Red Sox fan: you die. You really die. There's no other word for it. You just fall apart. I mean, I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. Talk to a Sox fan today. They're dead inside. It's like somebody told you that Christmas was cancelled this year because Santa Claus broke his arm or something. Seriously. No Christmas folks. Maybe next year. Wait until next year.
Two days ago, I was excited. I was ON. Remember that airport scene in Jerry Maguire, where Jerry tells Rod that two days ago, he was hot, and then he lost the number one draft pick the night before the draft? And now he's cloked in failure? Remember that? Well, welcome to the Red Sox. Two days ago, they were ready. They were going. Sox in Six. Sox in Six. SOX IN SIX! Now what? They return to Fenway, down two games. Their ace? They lost him, the night before the ALCS.
Let's talk about Curt Schilling. Let's TALK about Curt Schilling. I'm saying everything twice because at first I say it at normal volume and then I basically scream it. That's how it is, when I'm talking about the Sox today. That's how it IS, okay?!
So Curt Schilling has the worst bullpen session of his career, and what does Franfreakincona do? Does he say, "Pedro, you're going today, Arroyo tomorrow, we'll rest Schilling and see what happens"? No. Nah. Why do that? I mean, why potentially save your staff ace? Why save him? Why not just throw him out there, and hey, knowing he's battling the issue, why not just leave the guy floundering out there for three innings and six runs? I mean, really, Ter, why actually manage a team? Why do it?
Can you sense the anger? Seriously, CAN you?!
How about the fact that there was ONE good at-bat last night? Johnny Damon's 15-pitch at-bat was the only highlight of the game. Really. I mean, he was the only one who actually made Leiber pitch. While Martinez had thrown, oh I don't know, a good 1000 pitches, Leiber's throwing maybe 17. 15 of those went to Damon.
How about Bellhorn? How about BELLHORN?! APPLY THE TAG. Pokey Reese, sit on the bench. Sit on the bench, Poke. We don't need your Gold Glove. We need the Strikeout King. Todd Walker wasn't good enough, Theo? TODD WALKER WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH?!
Someone could legitimately send me to anger management class right this second, and I would have no good case against it.
The Sox. The goddamn Red Sox. They kill me. They really do. I want so much to believe that they'll battle back in Games 3, 4, and 5 at Fenway, but do you realize that the Yankees only have to win a game at Fenway in order to be in ridiculous shape? A single game. The Sox? They ahve to sweep. Riiiiight. RIIIIIGHT.
Oh, and what's that? Schilling's not available for Game 5? REALLY! There's a shocker. Only the Red Sox. Only the Red Sox would have their ace blow out his tendon during the playoffs, during the most important time of the season. Does anybody get the gravity of this situation: the Red Sox went out and got Curt Schilling SO THAT HE COULD PITCH IN THE POSTSEASON. Wait, let me say that again: THE RED SOX GOT CURT SCHILLING SO THAT HE COULD PITCH IN THE POSTSEASON.
We're so dead.
I'm hoping that I'm wrong. I'm hoping that I'm so dead wrong that I'm embarrassed, but I don't know. All I do know is that suddenly, that stupid hill metaphor is kicking me in the ass and there are trees everywhere I freaking look.
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