Mongrels
Sometimes, I think kids can be a drag. Don't get me wrong - I likea lot of kids and someday I hope to have four of them running around. Maybe it's that I've had a bunch of bad kiddie experiences in the past few days,but sometimes, I really just can't stand them. Today, my friend Paul told me he subbed for a third grade teacher. At first, I was like, "Oh, they must have been great! I love third grade." (It's true. I once thought I wanted to teach third grade. It's still something that I wouldn't say no to.) His response? "For the morning they're fine. But after lunch, forget it." Another teacher in the room interrupted him. "Yup. All they do in the afternoon is fart."
Umm, gross.
The coincidence is that throughout the weekend, I've had encounters with kids that have made me think, "These little people are insane." And, you know, it got me thinking: society puts up with this behavior, like it's nothing unusual or bad. For example, I was in Target on Sunday, enjoying my visit to the Christmas decorations. All of a sudden, I hear this brat whine to his dad, "Daddy, you didn't buy me any toys!" And then louder: "Daddy, you didn't buy me any TOYS!" And finally: "DADDY! YOU DIDN'T BUY ME ANY TOYS!" He totally flipped out at his father, who was calmly trying to explain why Daddy didn't buy him any toys that day. (How about: "Shut up, you think today is bad, keep acting like this, Christmas is gonna seem like a funeral, pal!") The only thing more disturbing than this kid was that the Christmas display included a light-up deer that had seizures every thirty seconds. Actually, this kid wasn't that different from the deer after all.
Then, not even an hour later, I was at a restaurant and two booths away, this kid was whining about his food. I love the parents who clearly hear their kid wailing, and they do nothing. This drives me nuts. I know what everyone is thinking - just wait until I have kids, then I'll see. Maybe. I'm not going to say that I'm going to be world's greatest mom or anything, but I think I'll have the social manners to remove myself and my screaming monster from a restaurant so that everyone else can enjoy their meal. Worse than the restaurant is when you have a whiny kid in a movie theater. I hate when parents bring their little kids to movies that cleary aren't kiddie appropriate. One time, I went to see Spanglish with two of my friends, and this woman was in front of us trying to figure out what movie to see. I stupidly said that I heard that Spanglish was good. My friends were ready to kill me. The woman bought herself a ticket and wheeled her kid into the theater. At several key moments, the kid started to wail. I had nobody to blame but my stupid self. I'll never make that mistake again.
Today, walking into work, I saw that the preschool had brought their kiddies out to see a bus. Some woman was like, "Loook, kiiiiiidddiieees, loooook at the wheeeels." Then "looook at the colllooorrrs." Big whoop. My brother's teacher once told his class that they would have a surprise if they finished their work on time, and the surprise was showing them his folks' new car, a PT Cruiser. My brother's reaction? "It looks like a hearse." (Yeah, he can really kill a good time.) Sure, my brother was in fifth grade, but still, the point is: who cares about looking at a bus? Don't these kids see buses all the time? Isn't this insulting their supposed brilliance (apparently every child who attends this school is super special and brilliant)? I'm going to make an official suggestion in their suggestion box that they have the kids examine a shitbox car, like a beat-up Chevy. Ten bucks says no child attending the school has ever seen one of those.
And while we're on this, what's up with the kiddie voice? At what age is it no longer approrpriate to talk to your child like you've just sucked in about ten pounds of helium? I would say it should be the same age that a mom stops breastfeeding, but I've seen too many five year olds enjoying a snack. (I'm not even exaggerating. I saw a mom breastfeed easily a five-year-old at the mall once. This was so gross, I almost lost my lunch. And you know, these advocates of public breastfeeding would probably want to crucify me for saying it, but I don't want to see some kid who can freakin ride a two-wheeler being breastfed. Shouldn't there be a law against this?)
This all makes me think of the computer game The Sims. Everyone loves this game. I don't get it. Why would anyone find this fun? Hey, let's decorate a house, have some kids, and try to pay for everything and keep everyone happy enough not to kill each other or themselves. If my kid ever asks me to get a game like the Sims, I'm gonna save my money and just pull a Freaky Friday and have them swap places with me for the afternoon. "Here, kiddo, you figure out how to pay the mortgage, the electric bill, the cable guy, and get your sister to soccer practice, and I'll play a round of Horse with your dad." Which brings me to my next point: what's with the morons who buy this game for their kids? In twenty years, are there going to be a group of adults who played this game as children, who are going to stress out about money and life, and then tell themselves, "Calm down, it's just like the Sims"? God help society. I worry about this.
You know, the more I think about it, I think it's a good idea to make children earn their keep. Parents have been doing this for centuries, only lately, it's been frowned upon. I think some manual labor is an excellent idea. Look at history. Years ago, kids were part of the business of the family. If their dad was a farmer, they farmed. They sewed the family clothes. They didn't talk back. (Probably because they got whipped, but I'm not into that.) Anyway, my point is: kids have it GOOD if all they're asked to do is wash a dish. Give me a break. When I used to throw tantrums, my parents would threaten that they'd send me away to this psycho school that one of my classmates had to go to. It's basically an institution, but I think they were just like, "It's a very scary place, so shut up." Anyway, it scared the shit out of me, to tell you the truth. Once, my dad evenpretended to call up the place, and when I told him I didn't believe he did it, he went outside the back door, and rang the doorbell. I nearly shit myself, I was so scared. I've got a similar idea. If my kid complains about doing chores, I'm going to keep the number of some place in Asia or South America where they don't have the child labor laws really enforced. "Oh yeah? You don't want to set the table? How does 18 hours a day on a machine manufacturing designer sneakers sound?!"
I kid, of course.
But all of this brings me to my final point (no, it's not about sweatshops. Obviously I oppose those.) What all of this comes down to, of course, is that parents deserve a lot of blame (unless you just get a bad kid, in which case, you're totally screwed - you have to take care of the kid forever. Talk about a raw deal.) Anyway, these parents are the same people who take twenty minutes to decide what they want once they're at the front of the line. They're the same people who can't operate cars, cameras, and their umbrellas. They're the same morons who run the telephone customer service lines (unless you call Dell, in which case, I'm pretty sure some guy in a tiny hut in India is trying to help you save your computer. Give up).
Haven't we always been taught that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? It's not like we're working with a prime batch of apples or anything - some of the parents we're talking about have hit most of the stupid branches on their original descent from the old apple tree. So, is it any surprise that these morons are raising morons?
No, of course not.
Umm, gross.
The coincidence is that throughout the weekend, I've had encounters with kids that have made me think, "These little people are insane." And, you know, it got me thinking: society puts up with this behavior, like it's nothing unusual or bad. For example, I was in Target on Sunday, enjoying my visit to the Christmas decorations. All of a sudden, I hear this brat whine to his dad, "Daddy, you didn't buy me any toys!" And then louder: "Daddy, you didn't buy me any TOYS!" And finally: "DADDY! YOU DIDN'T BUY ME ANY TOYS!" He totally flipped out at his father, who was calmly trying to explain why Daddy didn't buy him any toys that day. (How about: "Shut up, you think today is bad, keep acting like this, Christmas is gonna seem like a funeral, pal!") The only thing more disturbing than this kid was that the Christmas display included a light-up deer that had seizures every thirty seconds. Actually, this kid wasn't that different from the deer after all.
Then, not even an hour later, I was at a restaurant and two booths away, this kid was whining about his food. I love the parents who clearly hear their kid wailing, and they do nothing. This drives me nuts. I know what everyone is thinking - just wait until I have kids, then I'll see. Maybe. I'm not going to say that I'm going to be world's greatest mom or anything, but I think I'll have the social manners to remove myself and my screaming monster from a restaurant so that everyone else can enjoy their meal. Worse than the restaurant is when you have a whiny kid in a movie theater. I hate when parents bring their little kids to movies that cleary aren't kiddie appropriate. One time, I went to see Spanglish with two of my friends, and this woman was in front of us trying to figure out what movie to see. I stupidly said that I heard that Spanglish was good. My friends were ready to kill me. The woman bought herself a ticket and wheeled her kid into the theater. At several key moments, the kid started to wail. I had nobody to blame but my stupid self. I'll never make that mistake again.
Today, walking into work, I saw that the preschool had brought their kiddies out to see a bus. Some woman was like, "Loook, kiiiiiidddiieees, loooook at the wheeeels." Then "looook at the colllooorrrs." Big whoop. My brother's teacher once told his class that they would have a surprise if they finished their work on time, and the surprise was showing them his folks' new car, a PT Cruiser. My brother's reaction? "It looks like a hearse." (Yeah, he can really kill a good time.) Sure, my brother was in fifth grade, but still, the point is: who cares about looking at a bus? Don't these kids see buses all the time? Isn't this insulting their supposed brilliance (apparently every child who attends this school is super special and brilliant)? I'm going to make an official suggestion in their suggestion box that they have the kids examine a shitbox car, like a beat-up Chevy. Ten bucks says no child attending the school has ever seen one of those.
And while we're on this, what's up with the kiddie voice? At what age is it no longer approrpriate to talk to your child like you've just sucked in about ten pounds of helium? I would say it should be the same age that a mom stops breastfeeding, but I've seen too many five year olds enjoying a snack. (I'm not even exaggerating. I saw a mom breastfeed easily a five-year-old at the mall once. This was so gross, I almost lost my lunch. And you know, these advocates of public breastfeeding would probably want to crucify me for saying it, but I don't want to see some kid who can freakin ride a two-wheeler being breastfed. Shouldn't there be a law against this?)
This all makes me think of the computer game The Sims. Everyone loves this game. I don't get it. Why would anyone find this fun? Hey, let's decorate a house, have some kids, and try to pay for everything and keep everyone happy enough not to kill each other or themselves. If my kid ever asks me to get a game like the Sims, I'm gonna save my money and just pull a Freaky Friday and have them swap places with me for the afternoon. "Here, kiddo, you figure out how to pay the mortgage, the electric bill, the cable guy, and get your sister to soccer practice, and I'll play a round of Horse with your dad." Which brings me to my next point: what's with the morons who buy this game for their kids? In twenty years, are there going to be a group of adults who played this game as children, who are going to stress out about money and life, and then tell themselves, "Calm down, it's just like the Sims"? God help society. I worry about this.
You know, the more I think about it, I think it's a good idea to make children earn their keep. Parents have been doing this for centuries, only lately, it's been frowned upon. I think some manual labor is an excellent idea. Look at history. Years ago, kids were part of the business of the family. If their dad was a farmer, they farmed. They sewed the family clothes. They didn't talk back. (Probably because they got whipped, but I'm not into that.) Anyway, my point is: kids have it GOOD if all they're asked to do is wash a dish. Give me a break. When I used to throw tantrums, my parents would threaten that they'd send me away to this psycho school that one of my classmates had to go to. It's basically an institution, but I think they were just like, "It's a very scary place, so shut up." Anyway, it scared the shit out of me, to tell you the truth. Once, my dad evenpretended to call up the place, and when I told him I didn't believe he did it, he went outside the back door, and rang the doorbell. I nearly shit myself, I was so scared. I've got a similar idea. If my kid complains about doing chores, I'm going to keep the number of some place in Asia or South America where they don't have the child labor laws really enforced. "Oh yeah? You don't want to set the table? How does 18 hours a day on a machine manufacturing designer sneakers sound?!"
I kid, of course.
But all of this brings me to my final point (no, it's not about sweatshops. Obviously I oppose those.) What all of this comes down to, of course, is that parents deserve a lot of blame (unless you just get a bad kid, in which case, you're totally screwed - you have to take care of the kid forever. Talk about a raw deal.) Anyway, these parents are the same people who take twenty minutes to decide what they want once they're at the front of the line. They're the same people who can't operate cars, cameras, and their umbrellas. They're the same morons who run the telephone customer service lines (unless you call Dell, in which case, I'm pretty sure some guy in a tiny hut in India is trying to help you save your computer. Give up).
Haven't we always been taught that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? It's not like we're working with a prime batch of apples or anything - some of the parents we're talking about have hit most of the stupid branches on their original descent from the old apple tree. So, is it any surprise that these morons are raising morons?
No, of course not.
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