Facts I Have Recently Learned About Humanity
1. Apparently, people are allergic to holding doors. Sure, you can hold the door for these people (it's all but expected) but they can't hold the door for the person behind them (or for you, next time you're in their path). Further, as a 1A to this fact, I recently learned that squeezing through a doorway - without any part of a person touching the door (and therefore, leading to the allergic situation of "holding the door") - has become a competition, if not been elevated to an art form.
2. Rain is no longer transparent. Yup, it's true. When rain starts coming down, suddenly, nobody can see where he or she is going.
3. As a follow up, I've learned that when someone is in my direct path and approaching in an opposite direction, it is only right that I stop walking, bow down, and wait for the approaching dignitary to pass. I should not expect to be thanked, spoken to, or have my existence acknowledged.
4. If there are two doors, only one can be used at a time - especially if there's a line backing up. Then, under absolutely no circumstances, should the second door be utilized.
5. Waitresses hold second jobs as zoologists, and may make reference to this alternate profession when telling a patron, "Wow, you must be a camel," as they refill a Diet Coke. Fact 5A: Waitresses can also hold second jobs as mathematics tutors, and may offer on-the-go tutoring for their patrons, in addition to displaying their zoology background. Adding "You know, if you drink, like, twelve Diet Cokes, that defeats the purpose" instantly transforms any meal into a true learning experience and demonstrates their multiple talents. (Sadly for these waitresses, Fact 5B: Demonstrating these multitalents reduces their tip exponentially.)
6. When calling for information, it is silly to have a pen handy. It's also silly to have any concept of what you're calling for. Conversely, it is absolutely logical to call one university and request the telephone directory for another one, and it's most certainly understandable to become agitated when this information cannot be found - or looked up - for you.
7. Having to walk up or down two flights of stairs to use the ladies room when there is one right on the first floor is a fair solution when you have a preschool in the college building. After all, walking past the classroom may disrupt the class and permanently corrupt the children's learning process. However, it is completely appropriate to have song-and-dance story time in the middle of the office lobby, because adults don't get disturbed.
8. The movies only offer a discount to students Monday through Thursday. This policy makes sense, because students only go to movies during the week. No students go to movies on the weekend.
9. The workstudy student who works at the local coffee shop is the determiner of time. Not the Eastern Standard Time operators, not the phone operator, not God. If the workstudy student says it is 5:00, it is 5:00.
10. If your cell phone, still under warranty, is dying and the tech support people cannot fix it but you are not eligible for a new phone until June, you're stuck with the dying phone until then as well. Only the manager can help you, and if the manager isn't going to be in today (or tomorrow, the next day, or day after that) your best bet is to "hope that it doesn't zzzzzzap off before then." If you come back in a week, they might be able to fix it. But they also might charge you fifty dollars.
11. Verizon Wireless is a customer service bastion.
12. There's no need to determine what you want to order from a restaurant/coffee shop/sandwich line before the server gets to you. In fact, there is a direct positive correlation between the wait of the line and the time it takes to decide on what you want. (For the non-stats people, the English: the longer you wait, the longer you take to order.)
13. Leaning one's entire back against a pole on a crowded T is a perfectly acceptable social behavior. Feel absolutely free to relax while the people around you stumble around, trying to balance themselves so that they do not fall into each other. Disregard the fact that five people could be holding on to the pole that your back is resting upon; you are better than these people and you have earned your spot.
14. Apparently, either the Milwaukee Brewers don't own a DVD or VCR, or Wendell Kim was already hired somewhere else. In a related fact 14A, a starting pitcher requires less off-season rest for his arm than Dale Sveum.
15. No matter how you spin it, admitting to people that you once played "poor people" as a kid never goes over well.
16. When at a brunch for a law professor, asking a guest from Vermont whether he's a big UVM fan doesn't really stimulate much interest, conversation, or respect. This fact becomes exponentially more apparent when the guest is one of the Supreme Court justices for the Vermont Supreme Court.
17. A surprising fact for some students: contrary to what they think they have been taught, the phrase "I was like, oh my god," is not a simile, and no, you are not in fact being compared to God.
18. It's rude to ask the mailroom staff to stop reading your magazine so that you can take it. After all, it's one of those "understood social rules" that mailroom workers are allowed to read the magazines that come in. It's like, one of those silently understood THINGS.
19. Taking the best parts of the newspaper (the puzzles and sports section) and putting the remainder back so neatly that the paper still looks new and pristine is, somewhat suprisingly, not a punishable offense under the law. I am determined, however, that this act will come back to karmically haunt these offenders for life.
20. Every once in a while, it feels really, really, really good to call a moron when you see a moron. Yelling, "EXCUSE ME!" or "Don't worry, I'll watch where you're going," can be especially pleasing when the circumstances present themselves.
(Not that I would know.)
2. Rain is no longer transparent. Yup, it's true. When rain starts coming down, suddenly, nobody can see where he or she is going.
3. As a follow up, I've learned that when someone is in my direct path and approaching in an opposite direction, it is only right that I stop walking, bow down, and wait for the approaching dignitary to pass. I should not expect to be thanked, spoken to, or have my existence acknowledged.
4. If there are two doors, only one can be used at a time - especially if there's a line backing up. Then, under absolutely no circumstances, should the second door be utilized.
5. Waitresses hold second jobs as zoologists, and may make reference to this alternate profession when telling a patron, "Wow, you must be a camel," as they refill a Diet Coke. Fact 5A: Waitresses can also hold second jobs as mathematics tutors, and may offer on-the-go tutoring for their patrons, in addition to displaying their zoology background. Adding "You know, if you drink, like, twelve Diet Cokes, that defeats the purpose" instantly transforms any meal into a true learning experience and demonstrates their multiple talents. (Sadly for these waitresses, Fact 5B: Demonstrating these multitalents reduces their tip exponentially.)
6. When calling for information, it is silly to have a pen handy. It's also silly to have any concept of what you're calling for. Conversely, it is absolutely logical to call one university and request the telephone directory for another one, and it's most certainly understandable to become agitated when this information cannot be found - or looked up - for you.
7. Having to walk up or down two flights of stairs to use the ladies room when there is one right on the first floor is a fair solution when you have a preschool in the college building. After all, walking past the classroom may disrupt the class and permanently corrupt the children's learning process. However, it is completely appropriate to have song-and-dance story time in the middle of the office lobby, because adults don't get disturbed.
8. The movies only offer a discount to students Monday through Thursday. This policy makes sense, because students only go to movies during the week. No students go to movies on the weekend.
9. The workstudy student who works at the local coffee shop is the determiner of time. Not the Eastern Standard Time operators, not the phone operator, not God. If the workstudy student says it is 5:00, it is 5:00.
10. If your cell phone, still under warranty, is dying and the tech support people cannot fix it but you are not eligible for a new phone until June, you're stuck with the dying phone until then as well. Only the manager can help you, and if the manager isn't going to be in today (or tomorrow, the next day, or day after that) your best bet is to "hope that it doesn't zzzzzzap off before then." If you come back in a week, they might be able to fix it. But they also might charge you fifty dollars.
11. Verizon Wireless is a customer service bastion.
12. There's no need to determine what you want to order from a restaurant/coffee shop/sandwich line before the server gets to you. In fact, there is a direct positive correlation between the wait of the line and the time it takes to decide on what you want. (For the non-stats people, the English: the longer you wait, the longer you take to order.)
13. Leaning one's entire back against a pole on a crowded T is a perfectly acceptable social behavior. Feel absolutely free to relax while the people around you stumble around, trying to balance themselves so that they do not fall into each other. Disregard the fact that five people could be holding on to the pole that your back is resting upon; you are better than these people and you have earned your spot.
14. Apparently, either the Milwaukee Brewers don't own a DVD or VCR, or Wendell Kim was already hired somewhere else. In a related fact 14A, a starting pitcher requires less off-season rest for his arm than Dale Sveum.
15. No matter how you spin it, admitting to people that you once played "poor people" as a kid never goes over well.
16. When at a brunch for a law professor, asking a guest from Vermont whether he's a big UVM fan doesn't really stimulate much interest, conversation, or respect. This fact becomes exponentially more apparent when the guest is one of the Supreme Court justices for the Vermont Supreme Court.
17. A surprising fact for some students: contrary to what they think they have been taught, the phrase "I was like, oh my god," is not a simile, and no, you are not in fact being compared to God.
18. It's rude to ask the mailroom staff to stop reading your magazine so that you can take it. After all, it's one of those "understood social rules" that mailroom workers are allowed to read the magazines that come in. It's like, one of those silently understood THINGS.
19. Taking the best parts of the newspaper (the puzzles and sports section) and putting the remainder back so neatly that the paper still looks new and pristine is, somewhat suprisingly, not a punishable offense under the law. I am determined, however, that this act will come back to karmically haunt these offenders for life.
20. Every once in a while, it feels really, really, really good to call a moron when you see a moron. Yelling, "EXCUSE ME!" or "Don't worry, I'll watch where you're going," can be especially pleasing when the circumstances present themselves.
(Not that I would know.)
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