Say Cheese

This happened to me yesterday. Every single bit of it. Experiences like this, well, they make me appreciate solitude.

I was in the copy room when this woman approached me and asked me if I'd be willing to take a picture for her. Who says no to these requests? Obviously nobody, so I said okay and I went left my copies and went to the room next door. Admittedly, I wasn't in the best mood because I'd just had a big fight with the copier and I was getting really frustrated and annoyed about life (seriously, I could FEEL myself get tense and annoyed and mad... it's bad when that happens.) So I go in the room, and this other woman hands me the camera.

"Now, you push down on this button. It's a cell phone, really, can you see that?"

No, I thought the whole number buttons were for different film speeds.

"Okay, so you push down on this big silver button here, do you see that?"

"Yes." No. Jesus.

"And now, you look through, well, either the view finder, or see here, the screen in the back of the phone, see how that is also a view of the room? Right? You can see that?"

"Yes." She must think I'm blind.

"Now, you just move this around like this" - she waves around the camera - "to get the shot you want."

"So, I move the camera around until I get the shot I want?"

"Right!"

"And I push down on this silver button here?"

"Count to ten, outloud, when you're pressing, just so we know it's done. You can't just press and release. Watch, see, press, release, press, release, nothing!"

God help me.

"Now, don't put your finger in the way."

You mean you don't want a picture of my finger? Cause I'd love to show you one of my fingers right.... about... now.

"Okay, we're going to get posed. Everyone, get together!"

Five people get in front of this white screen.

"Now, what I want you to do, Miss, is I want you to say, 'I'm going to count to three, say cheese,' and then - "

"Count to three and say cheese?"

"No, don't take the picture!"

"No, I meant, you want me to say, 'I'm going to count to three and say cheese,' and then I should count to three and say, 'say cheese?' "

"We'll be the ones saying cheese, dear."

"Right."

"So, you say, 'One... two... three... Say Cheeese!' and then hold down the button for ten seconds. And be sure to count outloud to ten."

"Right." I used to think that people who took bad pictures of tourists on purpose were horrible people. I don't think that anymore.

"But don't just count really fast, it has to be slow, like 'one one thousand...' "

"I got it."

"We should all smile for the ten seconds, just to be safe."

"Fine."

"Okay, and we should all not smile for a minute or two, because our muscles won't hold."

"What's this picture for?"

"She just got her doctorate degree!"

"Is this for a newspaper or magazine or something?"

"Oh, no, just my personal [apparently Pulitzer-caliber] collection."

"Great. Are you set?"

"I think so. Do we look symmetrical?"

(There are two short Asian women, this older photo dictator, a tall woman, a young chubby guy and a guy who's 6'4".)

"Yeah."

"Okay then. Everyone, get ready."

"Okay, one, two, three, say cheese."

"Cheeeeeeeeeese."

"One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten."

"Did you get it?"

"Oh yeah, I got it."

"Okay, I thought it was a bit quick on the counting, that's all."

"Oh, you did?"

I hand the camera back to her. Next time, take your own damn picture.