Celebrity Lies
Do celebrities think the American public is made up of morons? (OK, but I have a point to make here.) I'm sure celebritards lie about a lot, but three key things really get me: 1. naked pictures/videos being released, 2. nose jobs, and 3. diet/make-up regime.
1. I have absolutely no sympathy for celebrities who are supposedly really upset and "devastated" about sex tapes or naked pictures that are released of them. Supposedly these pictures were taken for artistic purposes or private purposes, but let's just face it: some publicist is leaking this stuff to get you noticed. Hello, fake celebrity Audrina from the Hills. She's been everywhere lately - hosting club nights, modeling, and now, shocking timing, she has some naked pictures that were released. We're all supposed to believe she's freaking out over this? Absolutely not. She's writing a check to her publicist.
2. How many female actresses really have a deviated septum that makes it hard for them to breathe at night? How many normal females have FRIENDS who have a deviated septum that makes it hard for them to breathe at night? I have never met a person who's been like, "Yeah, I have this huge breathing problem... I need to get it taken care of," yet it seems like every other Hollywood actress has a deviated septum. It must be contagious, the way they are diagnosed out there.
Why can't a celebrity just say, "Look, my nose is big/weird/ugly. I'm getting it fixed, along with my boobs, stomach, butt, cheeks, eyebrows, and chin?" I'd have more respect for them. Ashlee Simpson playing off her face transplant was the same thing. There's no way that an at-home dye job to turn yourself blonde also changed the shape of your face, Ash. I really get annoyed when these people don't own up to their surgery, or they say this in magazines: "I believe every person is beautiful and everyone should love their body the way it is." I'd love my body too the way it was if I got to design exactly how it would be professionally sculpted and managed.
3. Which brings me to my next big one: the diet and exercise whopper. These size 0, perfectly made-up people tell us that they attribute their good body and looks to genetics, a fast metabolism, or light walking for 30 minutes twice a week. I seriously want to shove them into a wall when they say this. Seriously? You're not downing laxatives with that megaburger and fries? And you're not having a personal trainer attach a 90-lb resistance ball on your back during your 30 minute uphill hike through the wilderness twice a week? They oughta just be honest about it: I have an insane personal trainer who kicks my ass every day, I barely eat real food except for what is specially prepared and delivered and then prepared again for me in my house; I drink those weird cayenne pepper/lemon juice cocktails; I'm probably one more bulimic episode away from being checked into one of those rehab facilities for "exhausation." I'm not buying that Kate Hudson can "tuck into" french fries and french toast during an interview unless she follows it up with a trip to the ladies room or her personal trainer, stat.
And while we're at it, can they also admit that their favorite make-up product isn't the $2.99 Lipsmacker lip gloss that they sell at Costco? I get that you're not wearing a $10 shirt from Target, so I'm okay accepting that you're "look" isn't based on discount store lip gloss and moisturizer every day. I can accept that you have those $200 creams and lipsticks and personal make-up and hair stylists come to your house each morning to get you ready. I know that stylists are out there finding perfect outfits for you to wear out grocery shopping, Just Like Us. I get it. I just wish people would freaking admit to this rather than make me think that I can look like that too, if I just had the right flavor of Bonnebell LipSmackers.
By the way, I'm watching The View right now, and Barbara Walters never confirms that she's had plastic surgery, like it's some big secret. Hello, we have HD TV! There's absolutely no way that she's not had plastic surgery. The woman does not have a wrinkle on her face. It's kind of disgusting. I can't tell if her lisp is her normal lisp or if it's slightly affected by the fact that one half of her face doesn't look like it's moving.
There's this new game show, some sick To Tell the Truth or Moment of Truth Show. Basically the host asks very uncomfortable and personal questions to everyday people, wreaking havoc on their lives. I'd like celebrities to go on that show and I can ask them my three questions: 1. Did you plan to have these photos released? 2. Did you have a deviated septum? 3. Do you even know what a deviated septum is? 4. Have you ever worn Bonnebell Lipgloss? And I'd expose these celebrities and in the process, make the American public feel better.
Or, at the very least, in my new career (which has yet to be determined. More on that later, perhaps), I'm going to run an interview in a magazine where I will make snide comments and asides after the celebrity subject says shit like, "I hate to exercise, I eat everything in sight, I just get lucky!" or "I am so grateful that I can now breathe, I was always fine with my nose" or "I was just so devastated about those pictures, they were meant to be private." Boo hoo. I call bullshit!
1. I have absolutely no sympathy for celebrities who are supposedly really upset and "devastated" about sex tapes or naked pictures that are released of them. Supposedly these pictures were taken for artistic purposes or private purposes, but let's just face it: some publicist is leaking this stuff to get you noticed. Hello, fake celebrity Audrina from the Hills. She's been everywhere lately - hosting club nights, modeling, and now, shocking timing, she has some naked pictures that were released. We're all supposed to believe she's freaking out over this? Absolutely not. She's writing a check to her publicist.
2. How many female actresses really have a deviated septum that makes it hard for them to breathe at night? How many normal females have FRIENDS who have a deviated septum that makes it hard for them to breathe at night? I have never met a person who's been like, "Yeah, I have this huge breathing problem... I need to get it taken care of," yet it seems like every other Hollywood actress has a deviated septum. It must be contagious, the way they are diagnosed out there.
Why can't a celebrity just say, "Look, my nose is big/weird/ugly. I'm getting it fixed, along with my boobs, stomach, butt, cheeks, eyebrows, and chin?" I'd have more respect for them. Ashlee Simpson playing off her face transplant was the same thing. There's no way that an at-home dye job to turn yourself blonde also changed the shape of your face, Ash. I really get annoyed when these people don't own up to their surgery, or they say this in magazines: "I believe every person is beautiful and everyone should love their body the way it is." I'd love my body too the way it was if I got to design exactly how it would be professionally sculpted and managed.
3. Which brings me to my next big one: the diet and exercise whopper. These size 0, perfectly made-up people tell us that they attribute their good body and looks to genetics, a fast metabolism, or light walking for 30 minutes twice a week. I seriously want to shove them into a wall when they say this. Seriously? You're not downing laxatives with that megaburger and fries? And you're not having a personal trainer attach a 90-lb resistance ball on your back during your 30 minute uphill hike through the wilderness twice a week? They oughta just be honest about it: I have an insane personal trainer who kicks my ass every day, I barely eat real food except for what is specially prepared and delivered and then prepared again for me in my house; I drink those weird cayenne pepper/lemon juice cocktails; I'm probably one more bulimic episode away from being checked into one of those rehab facilities for "exhausation." I'm not buying that Kate Hudson can "tuck into" french fries and french toast during an interview unless she follows it up with a trip to the ladies room or her personal trainer, stat.
And while we're at it, can they also admit that their favorite make-up product isn't the $2.99 Lipsmacker lip gloss that they sell at Costco? I get that you're not wearing a $10 shirt from Target, so I'm okay accepting that you're "look" isn't based on discount store lip gloss and moisturizer every day. I can accept that you have those $200 creams and lipsticks and personal make-up and hair stylists come to your house each morning to get you ready. I know that stylists are out there finding perfect outfits for you to wear out grocery shopping, Just Like Us. I get it. I just wish people would freaking admit to this rather than make me think that I can look like that too, if I just had the right flavor of Bonnebell LipSmackers.
By the way, I'm watching The View right now, and Barbara Walters never confirms that she's had plastic surgery, like it's some big secret. Hello, we have HD TV! There's absolutely no way that she's not had plastic surgery. The woman does not have a wrinkle on her face. It's kind of disgusting. I can't tell if her lisp is her normal lisp or if it's slightly affected by the fact that one half of her face doesn't look like it's moving.
There's this new game show, some sick To Tell the Truth or Moment of Truth Show. Basically the host asks very uncomfortable and personal questions to everyday people, wreaking havoc on their lives. I'd like celebrities to go on that show and I can ask them my three questions: 1. Did you plan to have these photos released? 2. Did you have a deviated septum? 3. Do you even know what a deviated septum is? 4. Have you ever worn Bonnebell Lipgloss? And I'd expose these celebrities and in the process, make the American public feel better.
Or, at the very least, in my new career (which has yet to be determined. More on that later, perhaps), I'm going to run an interview in a magazine where I will make snide comments and asides after the celebrity subject says shit like, "I hate to exercise, I eat everything in sight, I just get lucky!" or "I am so grateful that I can now breathe, I was always fine with my nose" or "I was just so devastated about those pictures, they were meant to be private." Boo hoo. I call bullshit!
