The Christmas List
Dear Santa,
Merry Christmas. I hope you're having a nice time at the North Pole getting ready for Christmas with the reindeer and Mrs. Claus. I'm writing to you in regards to a most important matter: the naughty or nice list. I know you've probably made the list by now and may be in the middle of checking it twice, so I thought now would be a good time to make sure that Comcast was right at the top of your naughty list. If you're unfortunate enough to have to have Comcast at the North Pole, you probably know what I'm talking about.
See, Santa, Comcast deserves to be at the top of your naughty list because they are the shittiest and most dishonest company I've ever dealt with. All they do is fuck up every service they offer, fuck up every bill they send, and fuck up every customer service interaction they have. My internet is slow, my bills are always too high, and every conversation I have ends with someone promising me something that never happens. They act in bad faith, and quite frankly, have been very naughty this year.
I'm sure you're wondering why I just don't talk to Comcast directly, Santa, to get this all solved. Well, the thing is, Santa, I've tried. I've tried for the past four months to talk to someone who can actually help me, but I just keep getting told that I'm the one with the problem and that nobody can help me. Well, actually, they say that a technical supervisor can help me, but that technical supervisor has yet to call me back. Santa, if there is a technical supervisor for Comcast, that guy/woman/motherfucker belongs right at the top of the naughty list. Forever.
While you're adding that one, Santa, I'd like you to add Diane, Hector, Louise, Mary Ellen, Abe, Ivan, Paula, and Ginny to your naughty list, because every one of them told me that it was my fault that my computer crashed and that it was my fault that I had slow internet and that it was my fault that my bill was incorrect. And, of course, anything that was not my fault - like the "expert" telling me to insert an incompatible cd into my computer - wasn't anything they could help me with and, of course, wasn't their fault, either. I'd like to have all of those Comcast motherfuckers added to the naughty list, too, Santa.
I'm worried, Santa, because unless something's done to these Comcast motherfuckers, all's not right in the world. Every time I see a Comcast van, techinician, commercial, paper ad... you name it, I get angry. It's not fair that such a big company can take advantage of people and not make good on their promises to their customers. Since letters and phone calls seem to do absolutely no good, I'm hoping that a letter to Santa will. At the very least, if those Comcast motherfuckers refuse to give me the money they owe me for my ruined hard drive, and if they refuse to give me a correct bill or speedy internet, well, maybe I can take some comfort knowing that they're all receiving coal in their Christmas stockings this year. If I had anything to do with it, Santa, I'd give them coal forever. Or at least until they make good on their promises to me, which, well, may very well be the same thing.
Oh, and, if you have time Santa, if you could run your sleigh right into any Comcast motherfucking vans you see on your Christmas Eve travels, that would also make this Christmas quite merry for this little girl.
Thanks, Santa. Please send my best to Rudolph and the gang.
Merry Christmas. I hope you're having a nice time at the North Pole getting ready for Christmas with the reindeer and Mrs. Claus. I'm writing to you in regards to a most important matter: the naughty or nice list. I know you've probably made the list by now and may be in the middle of checking it twice, so I thought now would be a good time to make sure that Comcast was right at the top of your naughty list. If you're unfortunate enough to have to have Comcast at the North Pole, you probably know what I'm talking about.
See, Santa, Comcast deserves to be at the top of your naughty list because they are the shittiest and most dishonest company I've ever dealt with. All they do is fuck up every service they offer, fuck up every bill they send, and fuck up every customer service interaction they have. My internet is slow, my bills are always too high, and every conversation I have ends with someone promising me something that never happens. They act in bad faith, and quite frankly, have been very naughty this year.
I'm sure you're wondering why I just don't talk to Comcast directly, Santa, to get this all solved. Well, the thing is, Santa, I've tried. I've tried for the past four months to talk to someone who can actually help me, but I just keep getting told that I'm the one with the problem and that nobody can help me. Well, actually, they say that a technical supervisor can help me, but that technical supervisor has yet to call me back. Santa, if there is a technical supervisor for Comcast, that guy/woman/motherfucker belongs right at the top of the naughty list. Forever.
While you're adding that one, Santa, I'd like you to add Diane, Hector, Louise, Mary Ellen, Abe, Ivan, Paula, and Ginny to your naughty list, because every one of them told me that it was my fault that my computer crashed and that it was my fault that I had slow internet and that it was my fault that my bill was incorrect. And, of course, anything that was not my fault - like the "expert" telling me to insert an incompatible cd into my computer - wasn't anything they could help me with and, of course, wasn't their fault, either. I'd like to have all of those Comcast motherfuckers added to the naughty list, too, Santa.
I'm worried, Santa, because unless something's done to these Comcast motherfuckers, all's not right in the world. Every time I see a Comcast van, techinician, commercial, paper ad... you name it, I get angry. It's not fair that such a big company can take advantage of people and not make good on their promises to their customers. Since letters and phone calls seem to do absolutely no good, I'm hoping that a letter to Santa will. At the very least, if those Comcast motherfuckers refuse to give me the money they owe me for my ruined hard drive, and if they refuse to give me a correct bill or speedy internet, well, maybe I can take some comfort knowing that they're all receiving coal in their Christmas stockings this year. If I had anything to do with it, Santa, I'd give them coal forever. Or at least until they make good on their promises to me, which, well, may very well be the same thing.
Oh, and, if you have time Santa, if you could run your sleigh right into any Comcast motherfucking vans you see on your Christmas Eve travels, that would also make this Christmas quite merry for this little girl.
Thanks, Santa. Please send my best to Rudolph and the gang.
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