To Get to the Other Side
This past May, when I was finishing up my internship stint, we had this crazy lady calling the office 24/7 to talk to anybody she could about arranging for her daughter to be placed in a housing assignment that allowed her to avoid crossing Comm Ave. This woman was adamant about not having her daughter cross the street, and it seemed she'd told just about anyone who answered the phone about her history and her argument. It was a big joke in the office because everyone had directed her to the correct office, given that our office did not assign students housing, and then had to listen to her rail about life. She wouldn't shut up, and whenever anybody thought they'd made any progress, they would return only to hear some other poor bastard on the phone and know immediately by the conversation ("The speed limit is 35, yes.") that the old bird was calling back again.
I'd managed to avoid the phone calls because I was generally in meetings or in a room where there was no phone with the general office line. Then one afternoon, I volunteered to sit at the front desk while the work study student went to lunch. That turned out to be a bad choice.
I picked up on the second ring.
"I am calling to reiterate that my daughter is not to cross the street."
"Well, ma’am, I appreciate your concern. I think it’s probably best that you tell your daughter about your expectations, because we generally do not supervise students crossing the street."
"What do you have a police force then?"
"To prevent campus crime, ma'am."
"There's crime on your campus?"
"It's generally a safe campus but we are in the middle of a city. You can check on their website for specific statistics."
"I don't like crime."
"Most people don't."
"So nobody watches the students cross the street?"
"That's correct."
"You probably think I’m crazy."
(Silence)
"Well, let me just tell you my cautionary tale. Are you a student there?"
"Yes, I'm a graduate student."
"Well, you can use this too."
(Silence)
"My grandmother, who was a very agile woman, very agile, she was crossing the street and had an unfortunate collision with an automobile. She was dragged to her death."
(Silence)
"So, I don’t want my daughter crossing the street."
"Okay."
I thought that would be the end of the insanity, but it wasn't. The next day, I had another conversation with Crazy:
"I bet you are tired of hearing from me."
Silence.
"Well, I am calling to tell you that I checked that website you were talking about, on the police page."
Silence.
"And, well, they didn't have many details about collisions with automobiles."
Silence.
"Well, I mean, collisions with humans and automobiles. There are a lot of statistics of cars colliding with cars."
"You are referring to car accidents?"
"Yes."
Silence.
"Anyway, I called the department and spoke to a, well, rather rude officer, I won't name names or anything, but he was not very receptive. I asked him about human collisions, and at first, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. So I explained about my very agile grandmother - you remember the story, she was dragged to her death by an automobile, by a Volvo, ironically - and he said that cars run people over every day."
Silence.
"He then told me that usually one student, a knucklehead, he called them, gets hit by the trolley, or he said the T, every year. I was completely shocked. Isn't public transportation supposed to watch out for the public?"
"I think their main goal is to transport the public."
"Well, I have now put in another call to make sure that my daughter lives on the correct side of the street, but I'm calling just to let you know about this T garbage in case other parents call."
"Thank you."
And then, for the grand finale, when I came to work the day after that, I had this voicemail waiting for me:
"Hi, I'm calling you to let you know that I spoke with the dean of your school. Now, you seem like a very nice girl but the dean of your school was not appropriate. When I told him of my concern, I actually heard him chuckle, I think is the right word. Not quite a laugh, but a definite chuckle. He told me he would do what he could, but I should reevaluate whether this is the right place for my daughter. Do he and the police officer know each other? I wonder. Is there anyone else I can speak to about the dean's behavior? Please let me know if you can help me. Thank you, and have a pleasant day. I am watching the Today Show and I hear it is raining in Boston. Are the sidewalks slick? Bye bye."
No word on the resolution, on whether the girl ended up on the correct side of campus or whether she ended up here at all. But I did learn two important lessons from these conversations: one, that even very agile grandmothers can be dragged to their untimely death by (ironically) Volvos; and two, that volunteering to cover a front desk is never a good idea.
I'd managed to avoid the phone calls because I was generally in meetings or in a room where there was no phone with the general office line. Then one afternoon, I volunteered to sit at the front desk while the work study student went to lunch. That turned out to be a bad choice.
I picked up on the second ring.
"I am calling to reiterate that my daughter is not to cross the street."
"Well, ma’am, I appreciate your concern. I think it’s probably best that you tell your daughter about your expectations, because we generally do not supervise students crossing the street."
"What do you have a police force then?"
"To prevent campus crime, ma'am."
"There's crime on your campus?"
"It's generally a safe campus but we are in the middle of a city. You can check on their website for specific statistics."
"I don't like crime."
"Most people don't."
"So nobody watches the students cross the street?"
"That's correct."
"You probably think I’m crazy."
(Silence)
"Well, let me just tell you my cautionary tale. Are you a student there?"
"Yes, I'm a graduate student."
"Well, you can use this too."
(Silence)
"My grandmother, who was a very agile woman, very agile, she was crossing the street and had an unfortunate collision with an automobile. She was dragged to her death."
(Silence)
"So, I don’t want my daughter crossing the street."
"Okay."
I thought that would be the end of the insanity, but it wasn't. The next day, I had another conversation with Crazy:
"I bet you are tired of hearing from me."
Silence.
"Well, I am calling to tell you that I checked that website you were talking about, on the police page."
Silence.
"And, well, they didn't have many details about collisions with automobiles."
Silence.
"Well, I mean, collisions with humans and automobiles. There are a lot of statistics of cars colliding with cars."
"You are referring to car accidents?"
"Yes."
Silence.
"Anyway, I called the department and spoke to a, well, rather rude officer, I won't name names or anything, but he was not very receptive. I asked him about human collisions, and at first, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. So I explained about my very agile grandmother - you remember the story, she was dragged to her death by an automobile, by a Volvo, ironically - and he said that cars run people over every day."
Silence.
"He then told me that usually one student, a knucklehead, he called them, gets hit by the trolley, or he said the T, every year. I was completely shocked. Isn't public transportation supposed to watch out for the public?"
"I think their main goal is to transport the public."
"Well, I have now put in another call to make sure that my daughter lives on the correct side of the street, but I'm calling just to let you know about this T garbage in case other parents call."
"Thank you."
And then, for the grand finale, when I came to work the day after that, I had this voicemail waiting for me:
"Hi, I'm calling you to let you know that I spoke with the dean of your school. Now, you seem like a very nice girl but the dean of your school was not appropriate. When I told him of my concern, I actually heard him chuckle, I think is the right word. Not quite a laugh, but a definite chuckle. He told me he would do what he could, but I should reevaluate whether this is the right place for my daughter. Do he and the police officer know each other? I wonder. Is there anyone else I can speak to about the dean's behavior? Please let me know if you can help me. Thank you, and have a pleasant day. I am watching the Today Show and I hear it is raining in Boston. Are the sidewalks slick? Bye bye."
No word on the resolution, on whether the girl ended up on the correct side of campus or whether she ended up here at all. But I did learn two important lessons from these conversations: one, that even very agile grandmothers can be dragged to their untimely death by (ironically) Volvos; and two, that volunteering to cover a front desk is never a good idea.
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